Not sure where to start

[ladymedtrina]

Hi all. My husband has started therapy and they told him that it is likely that his mom had BPD, and during his research into it he came to the conclusion that he has BPD as well. I didn't know anything about BPD until a few days ago. Reading up on it - it feels spot on. I feel like I have found an answer to all the questions I didn't know to ask. I don't really know where to start with all this. I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. I am worried that my husband will shut down with too much information and stop therapy again. I was genuinely about to separate from this man because of how bad things can get, but now I feel like I have to give him the opportunity to keep trying because it's not his fault. All of the times I thought he was being awful to me on purpose or straight lying to me feels like they were all related to BPD and not him at all. Any advice or comments are welcome. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in loving someone that struggles this way and I'm looking forward to diving into previous posts/comments and learning what I can to help him, myself, and our relationship. Thank you (:

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but I am glad that you're open to trying to work through this.  You actually have a few good things going on in your favor here-

1) A self-discovered diagnosis (off mom's diagnosis)
2) He's already in therapy and trying to improve
3) You realize that this isn't all his fault
4) You're starting with a great book to learn

So where can we help?  Do you have specific things that keep occurring?  And do you guys have kids?

As just a 30 second intro to BPD, it's a personality disorder that makes it hard to regulate feelings.  A good day is the best day ever!  A bad day is the opposite of that and can make the person spiral in negative thinking.  All of this is tied to self-esteem and self-worth, with a huge fear of rejection or abandonment.

A BPD person in my life might have a flat tire.  She's going to be late to work, so she starts thinking about how the entire world is against her and she just can't take all of this.  It's a severe over-reaction and maybe she tells me off...not that she's mad at me, but she's mad at the world because nobody ever helps her with anything.  And if I react appropriately (to someone telling me off out of the blue), it becomes confirmation that I never cared about this person, never did anything for them, etc.

Soon, the tire problem is forgotten as that BPD person focuses on all the things that I've done to make their life miserable.  And they just spiral with negative thinking and disordered thoughts.  I didn't take out the trash last month, so that proves I'm cheating.  I didn't offer to cook on our honeymoon 20 year ago, so I must have been plotting this the entire time.  And it just spirals and spirals....  Meanwhile, I still think we're arguing over a tire.

To get them out of that spiral, give them the one thing that's at the core of the chaos- affirmation.  You love them, you're there for them, you want to help and work through this.  Once that actually clicks, the spiral stops (or switches to something else entirely).  BPDs need close-knit relationships with people they can trust no matter what...and then they unwittingly sabotage those relationships.

It's sad for sure, but there is a path forward if you're willing to put in the work with him.