Hi, I'm new

[Amygriz]

I'm a psychologist and I just had an epiphany last night that my mother has BPD. I didn't realize it for years but now that I named her behavior, so many past and current behaviors of hers make sense. Is there anyone else who is a psychologist who has a mother with BPD? I'd love to hear what your mom was like, how and when you discovered that she has BPD. Txs!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Amygriz:   

I'm sorry that you have had a history of problems with your mom.  Could dealing with these problems, while growing up, have led you to your choice of a profession?  It can bring a bit of relief when the light bulb turns on and you find a label    Upon reviewing history, the pieces of the puzzle can come together.

You will likely find a few professional members here, but when it comes to dealing with BPD, we all seem to be in a similar boat.  I've found many times with myself, that it can generally be easier to give advice than to take your own. 

I recall seeing a couple of posts recently, where the child of a BPD mother has posted that the mother is a mental health professional.  Others have posted and indicated that their sibling is a psychologist, and that they collectively have decided their mom likely has BPD.

What are some of the most disturbing traits that your mom exhibits?  Have you tried any particular communication skills and strategy with your mom that have been successful? 

We look forward to hearing more of your story.

[Amygriz]

Thanks for your kind words. My mom's most disturbing traits are that she acts like a childlike victim around me - esp at family gatherings. I don't play into her push pull games anymore and I very rarely have her over to the house.  I imagine that she feels hurt but rather than communicate her hurt feelings ("i feel abandoned" she acts out by playing the role of the quite victim. To complicate things, she had a benign brain tumor when I was 13yo.   For the longest time I thought that much of her behavior was due to the tumor and or the surgery but my therapist had really pushed me to explore the possibility that my difficulties with my mom began even before the diagnosis of the tumor.  The tumor just didn't explain everything including why I have such a bristly nauseous visceral feeling toward her rather than feeling soft and tender toward her. BPD explains so much more. Mostly, my  biggest strategy has been just keeping physical distance from her but with the help of understanding the borderline conceptualization, I may be better able to be in her presence without feeling so upset and not understanding why.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Amygriz:   

I think it helps most of us to finally figure out what is going on with the BPD person in our life.  I went to therapy to figure out what was going on with my sister.  Our parents both died within 6 months of each other.  From the time our parents health began to fail, and we had to work together, my sister split me black.  I couldn't understand how she could appear to be an upstanding person to her church group, but be so horrible to me.  So, I was the one who went to therapy and learned that she is likely a high-functioning BPD.

It's interesting that once you learn about BPD, you can think back over several years and put the pieces together.  Some behaviors and reactions to events fall in line with BPD behaviors/traits.

Is your father still in the picture?  Any siblings?  Any chance your mom will go to therapy?

[_Joy_]

Hi Amygrz,

I am working on my master's in co-occurring disorders counseling now. I realized that my mom has BPD when I started working with the SPMI community in a case management role. My clients with BPD would make me feel the same way that my mother makes me feel and that's when I finally put it together. It was great to finally have a name for what I was experiencing with my mom, but it also made me really frustrated that she never got help for it. I've recently decided to cut off contact with my mom, and while it was a difficult decision, my stress level has decreased significantly.

Thanks for sharing, Amygrz!

[Amygriz]

After reading more on this, I think my mom and dad fit the fairly classic BPD woman married to a Narcissistic man dyad. I always new my father was a narcissist but capable of more consistent love for us girls (not the case for my brother). I have a very close relationship with my brother and sister.  I shared my insight about my mother having borderline with my brother and sister and both struggled to see  how the diagnosis fit her. This was a little frustrating but I also know that I sheltered them growing up (I was the oldest) and that I was able to provide validation and mirroring to them while we were growing up so I think their experience was different.  Fortunately, all three of us are very close as adults and are able to provide a tremendous amount of healthy support for one another. It is highly unlikely that my mother would go to therapy as she is 73 years old. I have a very superficial relationship with her that got very stained  when I had my three kids over the past nine years. Understanding the borderline diagnosis has helped make so much more sense out of why she it became so difficult to be around her once I had kids. She was critical of my parenting and basically made me feel like an adequate mother. I'm a very good mother - validating, attached, empathetic, patient, calm, etc. Seeing me be so overt about my love for my children may have made her feel abandoned. (I would have never guessed that that was the reason for her criticism 9 yrs ago... .but now I am seeing things so much more clearly.) I'm reading every book and listening to every YouTube video I can and am understanding things so much more.