I need a break

[Tattered Heart]

I've had 3 weeks of pure hell with my uBPDh. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. It's been daily dysregulations and arguments over minor slights. It's been twisting my words and accusations of showing partiality to others. We had one near DV instance. Chaos is the only word I can use to explain it because his dysregulations weren't about one particular thing, just whatever happened to offend him in the moment. I've tried everything I knew how to do and nothing worked. I found myself sinking into despair and depression. I felt like I was losing my mind. I decided I was going to leave if things didn't calm down by last Friday. I began making plans in my mind about where I would go. This was it! I was finally going to break free.

And then Sunday happened and it was a really great day. And Monday I was actually able to relax around him. We got along. He was peaceful. It was as if everything from the last 3 weeks was just washed away. Gone. We laughed. We talked. We had fun together. When I saw him begin to get offended or make accusations my responses were spot on and the issue just disappeared.

And now it's Tuesday. And he is mad that our puppy keeps peeing in the house. And I want to tell him that he needs to go out with the puppy but I've said that a million times before and he doesn't listen. Instead he just opens the door to let the puppy out and puppy just plays around outside. So now he wants to take it out on me.

Yesterday I asked him if he could meet me with the puppy today so I could take the puppy from him to go to the vet (I live 30 miles from work to home and then it's another 30 miles to the vet). He said he couldn't fit the puppy in his car (His car is literally filled to the brim with work junk.) He started to get mad that I would even ask him to do that. Yet I have to leave work 30 min early to go all the way home to pick up puppy then go to the vet. It's inconvenient for him to clean out 1 seat in his car yet not inconvenient for me to get off work early even though he has all day off. How is that even fair?

So I get this text:
Him: I am leaving the house so I don't beat him [the dog]. Should I pick anything up? (He would never really hurt the dog. He spanked the dog last week and beat himself up over for days)

Me: Good choice. Not that I can think of. Do you still have the $120 you took out in cash? I will need cash to pay for the appt today and don't want to stop at the ATM>

Him: Oh boy
Him: I was hoping [drug dealer name] would call
Me: Ok
Him: So I am going to the bank?
Him: I am trying to decipher
Him: What
Him: You
Him: Say
Him: Now
Him: I asked a question
Him: I don't know who you are texting
Him: Must have got the wrong person

Me: Slow down. I am trying to answer. I was wondering if I could use the cash. If not I can go to the ATM for the vet. They don't take debit.

Him: I asked if I can pick anything up
Him: I am still waiting
Him: Speed up...

Me: Sorry I was thinking groceries.

Him: Still didn't answer

Me: Yes if you could get $60 out that would be great

Him: If it was groceries
Him: Ok... .I am finally off your hook
Him: Thanks

And then nothing.

I don't know if I need to go to the bank. I don't know how to respond because the wrong text could send things spiraling out of control. Who did he think I was texting? Was that even an accusation? Or will he turn it into an accusation?

I'm just sitting here in my office crying because I thought things were getting back to normal and now I don't want to go home to deal with this. I just want a break. I need some relief. I really feel like I"m at a breaking point. I am not allowed time alone to even get my thoughts together. He follows me everywhere, even in the bathroom. Sorry I put so many subjects in this post. They are all just blurring together for me right now. We go from one to the next to the next with little down time in between. I wish he would get past whatever is causing the daily issues because then we get back to 3 months of quiet. Each time I've thought the worst has passed it rears up again. He is stuck in a loop and I don't know how to stop it, if I even can.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

He just sent me a text saying he was sorry for getting snipey and that he was at a natural market (which means he is going to overspend). He has not been sticking to our budget at all lately, tapping into money that we have been setting back for starting the farm.

[isilme]

Tattered,

I'm so sorry.  H is very likely to dysregulate over texting, especially if he's already in that "mood", and he feels he communicates perfectly so any lack of understanding is because I am an idiot and I should not have to ask questions if I listened to him or read his texts.  The sad thing is that at times, his anger makes me flustered and I DO misread things because of it.

Budgets are also just impossible. 

And I can understand wanting even just a few minutes alone, so you can process things, recover from the drama at home, and just be able to relax.  You are on eggshells.  And I hate it when I can't even count on time in the shower alone for a bit - H likes to come in there because I think I am often his "wubby", like Linus' blankie.  When I am not in the room, he feels less secure somehow.  So he follows me and sometimes I really just need him out of the way.

I know it's the last thing you want on your plate, but going alone to the vet may be just the nest way for you to get a small breather.  I DO appreciate my time alone in the car (we carpool to work - it's just a few blocks) when I run errands alone.  I may hate running the errands, and no, it's not fair that your inconvenience matters less, but that really IS BPD in a nutshell for you - your feelings, needs, wants never quite make the level of theirs.  That's not to say they don't care for you, it's just hard for them to see you in the forest of their own emotions. 

Is there something going on that could be increasing the levels of dysregulation at your home? 

[waverider]

Impulsive personalities and texting never go well. Glad my wife is such a techophobe that she can't even text, despite being a phone junkie.

A break is indeed what you need, even if only from being accessible via text.

Being completely independent so that your default action is not going to rely on a contribution from anyone else will bypass the frustrations of things being unfair or in limbo. If they help its a bonus but remove their input from the critical path

No point flogging a lame horse. Better to do your own leg work in your own time frame,at least that is predictable.

[Grey Kitty]

I've had 3 weeks of pure hell with my uBPDh. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. It's been daily dysregulations and arguments over minor slights. It's been twisting my words and accusations of showing partiality to others. We had one near DV instance. Chaos is the only word I can use... .

  Take care of yourself. At least when you wrote this, you had all you could take. You are allowed to take a break, take some time away from him, away from his texting, or your phone, and recover your peace of mind and sanity.

What sort of things do you do for yourself that leave you feeling better and energized?

[bananas2]

TH -
Been thinking about you & sending you positive vibes since I read this post yesterday & I hope you're having a better day today. 

I've definitely been there myself with the "text wars." I think bc pwBPD rely so heavily on body language that it's easy for them to misunderstand the tone of a text. I'm learning to only text my BPD hub now in 2 instances: 1) when I have something positive to say or 2) when I need to get or relay critical info. Even with that, the texting sometimes causes problems, but it's better now when I stick to my own guidelines.

[bananas2]

FYI - I just now posted a new topic about making a "self-care kit." Check it out. It may help you get a little relief.

[Tattered Heart]

I love to read, but when my H is ramped up, reading is a threat to our relationship. I also enjoy watching my chickens. It's really calming. I tried to do that a little last night, but then H came out to help me feed and water them. Sometimes when I let the puppy out to potty I just take a few extra minutes to enjoy our woods and to breathe.

I'm better today. I love Moxie's idea of a self care kit.