Yep, I suspect Valentine's Day is a disliked holiday by most of the Nons tribe. It's a no-win scenario. (Like so many with a BPDSO! Fun times.) But this year, you did something for
you, you gave yourself a V-day gift, and yay for that! And there will be fallout for it, because of course there will be, wowisn'ttherealwayscouldntwejustoncehaveanormaldayweekmonthaggggghhhhhhhhh.
But seriously, it's completely wonderful that you found a source of joy in the midst of the difficulty of being with a disordered spouse. There must be a way to keep his attitude from ruining the fun of it for you. Someone needs to invent a bad vibes shield that Nons can turn on to keep all that "crazy nasty hot mess" - as my best friend colorfully calls the pwBPD's aggressive behaviors - from ruining the positive endeavors we take on. You're terrified of the blowups that will ensue - been there, done that, soo many times. I feel ya. Would it be possible for you to just let it wash over you? I mean: Like you're in a house, and a big storm is coming; at first you're afraid, but then you realize that while it will be loud and scary, the storm isn't going to be -on you-. I've tried this a bit with mine, detached some, let his rage happen but not let it affect me. It doesn't work every time, but it does sometimes, so ... .maybe that? I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here, because I really empathise with what you're going through, and want to see you get your happy theatre groove on without the invitable looming shadow of 'What Batsh*t Punishment The BPDSO Will Unleash' that so many of us live with
Part of the reason is that it feels very uncomfortable being intimate with him because he behaves in such a child-like manner - does anyone else have this issue?
Oh my god, THIS. On so many levels. My BPDh craves symbiosis, he desperately seeks out engagement with others that replicates the Symbiotic Phase (in the Margaret Mahler sense); he wants to snuggle and have me pet him and recreate a disconcertingly infantic state of 'merge'. (And he tries to use our 4 year old as a human teddy bear/substitute enmeshment partner when I'm not available. *Shudder*) But he's persistently child-like in many other ways, too, the whole overall behavioral ethos is that he's like a 6 foot tall toddler, tantruming and wanting me to be his perfect mommy. Yuck. Yet he's baffled by the fact that my desire for physical intimacy for him has dwindled... .
Additionally, he hunted down a few men he thought I was intimate with prior to our relationship and questioned them about my sexual history with them! I feel very violated, almost like I was molested or something.
CREEPY.
Cree.
Py. I'm sorry this happened to you. I think feeling violated by this is completely understandable.
How can we help you enjoy this awesome theatre endeavor sans anxiety? Humor? Hugs? Cheerleading? Long, super pedantic clinical explanations? (I'm good at those :-P) I hope you can find a way to rock on with your bad self despite Mr. Mood Swing.
