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Author Topic: I hate Valentine's Day.  (Read 345 times)
bgirl

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: February 14, 2017, 03:48:43 PM »

I usually dislike Valentine's Day because I would either be disappointed because I made all of the plans, or I felt pressure for the day to be "perfect" so I wouldn't disappoint or upset him or so that I could convey my love to him enough that he would feel it because he didn't get it growing up. 

This year, I'm involved in a local community theater production, and I have work until 6pm and then rehearsal right after, so we clearly couldn't do anything because of that.  Normally, I would have bent over backwards to make plans for another day, or get out of rehearsal, but I just didn't even consider it.  I don't know why - too tired, too angry, I can only guess.  Not even a week ago, he asked me if I had rehearsal and I said yes.  We have not been getting along, so we haven't been communicating much.  It is on our calendar.  I stopped making Valentine's plans long ago, and I stopped bugging him about it to avoid being disappointed.  So, a day or two later he blows up at me, stating that I never told him about auditioning for this role (I did and asked if it was ok) and then bringing up a bunch of other things, including not doing anything for Valentine's Day.  Well, we have two kids, and doing anything requires a baby sitter, and I have put the focus on myself, and I wasn't going to set up something for another night, or try to arrange for something.  I am anxious and tense around him, and specifically spending time with him right now is tough.

Part of his issues is that I play the role of a prostitute in the one sketch.  Sounds racy, but it's a comedy, and not very racy at all.  But he finds this very threatening because we have not had sex in a long time.   Part of the reason is that it feels very uncomfortable being intimate with him because he behaves in such a child-like manner - does anyone else have this issue?  Additionally, he hunted down a few men he thought I was intimate with prior to our relationship and questioned them about my sexual history with them!  I feel very violated, almost like I was molested or something.   He has become paranoid about the entire issue and I often feel blamed, like I don't have a right to feel this way and that I'm doing it to hurt him or that I'm interested in someone else.  I am faithful and will always be faithful.  I feel guilty if I find another man attractive (which rarely happens, I'm pretty picky for an average looking girl).

Our marriage counselor encouraged me to set boundaries, saying that I'm sorry he is upset (etc) but that I would hope he would trust my decision about taking the role.  His attitude has sucked the fun out of a lot of it, and returning to the theater is such a great joy to me.  But I'm doing this role.  But I am terrified of the blowups that are going to ensue.  His mood is going to swing from okay to blowup until it's over, and I resent the entire thing. 

I'm so anxious and feel like I'm going to cry (which is likely better than the anger but feels terrible and it's harder to function). 

Any feedback, similar experiences, words of wisdom are more than welcome!
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LightnessOfBeing

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married and regretting it. He went massively downhill immediately after the wedding.
Posts: 46



« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2017, 11:34:10 AM »

Yep, I suspect Valentine's Day is a disliked holiday by most of the Nons tribe. It's a no-win scenario. (Like so many with a BPDSO!  Fun times.)  But this year, you did something for you, you gave yourself a V-day gift, and yay for that! And there will be fallout for it, because of course there will be, wowisn'ttherealwayscouldntwejustoncehaveanormaldayweekmonthaggggghhhhhhhhh.
 
But seriously, it's completely wonderful that you found a source of joy in the midst of the difficulty of being with a disordered spouse. There must be a way to keep his attitude from ruining the fun of it for you. Someone needs to invent a bad vibes shield that Nons can turn on to keep all that "crazy nasty hot mess" - as my best friend colorfully calls the pwBPD's aggressive behaviors - from ruining the positive endeavors we take on. You're terrified of the blowups that will ensue - been there, done that, soo many times. I feel ya. Would it be possible for you to just let it wash over you? I mean: Like you're in a house, and a big storm is coming; at first you're afraid, but then you realize that while it will be loud and scary, the storm isn't going to be -on you-. I've tried this a bit with mine, detached some, let his rage happen but not let it affect me. It doesn't work every time, but it does sometimes, so ... .maybe that? I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here, because I really empathise with what you're going through, and want to see you get your happy theatre groove on without the invitable looming shadow of 'What Batsh*t Punishment The BPDSO Will Unleash' that so many of us live with



Excerpt
Part of the reason is that it feels very uncomfortable being intimate with him because he behaves in such a child-like manner - does anyone else have this issue? 

Oh my god, THIS. On so many levels.  My BPDh craves symbiosis, he desperately seeks out engagement with others that replicates the Symbiotic Phase (in the Margaret Mahler sense); he wants to snuggle and have me pet him and recreate a disconcertingly infantic state of 'merge'. (And he tries to use our 4 year old as a human teddy bear/substitute enmeshment partner when I'm not available. *Shudder*)  But he's persistently child-like in many other ways, too, the whole overall behavioral ethos is that he's like a 6 foot tall toddler, tantruming and wanting me to be his perfect mommy. Yuck. Yet he's baffled by the fact that my desire for physical intimacy for him has dwindled... .


Excerpt
Additionally, he hunted down a few men he thought I was intimate with prior to our relationship and questioned them about my sexual history with them!  I feel very violated, almost like I was molested or something.


CREEPY. Cree. Py. I'm sorry this happened to you. I think feeling violated by this is completely understandable.



How can we help you enjoy this awesome theatre endeavor sans anxiety? Humor? Hugs? Cheerleading? Long, super pedantic clinical explanations? (I'm good at those  :-P)  I hope you can find a way to rock on with your bad self despite Mr. Mood Swing.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)




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bgirl

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2017, 01:19:05 PM »

LOB... .

Oh my gosh, thanks for the positive feedback!  I never considered how good it was for me to find something FUN for me to do again.  I do other things for myself (support groups, friends, etc) but theater is just FUN.  Thanks for helping me to see it positively and not as something that is selfish.

And, yes, I have to figure out how to not fear his moods and to detach.  Detaching feels like I'm abandoning him and that just hit me right now.  Like I'm failing him.  And I'm afraid of the consequences/backlash, too.  It's a mixture of empathy and fear.  Thanks for helping me see that.  It's something to talk about with our counselor but also something for me to work on.  Let go or be dragged, right?

I can't tell you how much your reply means to me.  I'm not alone anymore now that I've found this page.  Thanks so much!

B.
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