Power struggles and more

[WitzEndWife]

I took my HwBPD on a trip for the weekend for his birthday/Valentine's Day. We started the weekend with some drinks and music in the hotel lobby, and, after his second drink, he brought up commandeering an escort for our hotel room. He has never brought such a thing up before, he knows that I'm not comfortable with such an experience, and I mentioned to him that I was hurt that he would bring something like that up on a romantic weekend with me. I even told him that, if this was something he really wanted, he could go right ahead, and that I would leave the hotel and have fun on my own, but he didn't want that. He said he wanted to be with me. I told him that I wasn't interested.

The next evening, after several drinks, he brought it up again, and mentioned seducing the waitress at the bar to come to our hotel with us. I again told him that I wasn't interested, and he got upset, said he felt stifled, and said that he didn't want to have to "sneak around" on me. I said that if he was even considering "sneaking around," that I wouldn't be married to him. He said, "Fine, bye!" and got up and left the table, only to return five minutes later. He then admitted that he just wanted to feel powerful, that he was getting older and still didn't have a full time career, and having someone he could seduce and bring back to the room would make him feel "powerful."

I admit, I felt really uncomfortable and unsafe after these conversations, I guess, that he would want to use someone else to make himself feel powerful. It feels like a sleeping dragon. I'm not sure what to do with this information.  My interactions with him often feel like a power struggle, and he becomes enraged when he thinks I've undermined him in some way. The thing is, for most of the weekend, he was fine, and we had no problems, but that whole thing really unnerved me. I guess sexual promiscuity and power games are sometimes part of BPD, but how do I deal with this? I'm more worried about his perception of power than anything else. How can I manage that? Extra validation?

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[waverider]

First off it made you feel uncomfortable. So that is boundaries first up, make it clear if he ever brings up a suggestion like that you will up and leave, and do it. Otherwise he will take it as a "not yet" and persist. You have to make it clear that you find it not only disrespectful to someone else but more importantly to you. Be wary of him trying to introduce it jokingly, that is why your boundary needs to be strong and very black and white.

As far as validating is concerned you need only do what you feel comfortable and sincere in doing. Dont get caught up in the fruitless task of trying to validate someone back to normality

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry this happened. I would be worried sick if my H began talking about bringing home a prostitute.

Power struggles are difficult situations. Both people in the disagreement want to maintain control over the other and the only way to end it, it is give up the need for power. If you had not made a big deal out of his comments about an escort, how do you think he would have responded? For instance, if you had just said, "No. I don't like that kind of talk. It hurts my feelings" and left it at that without getting upset how would he have responded? Do you think he would have brought it up again the next night?

For me I often see my husband say something just to get the reaction out of me. If he doesn't get the reaction he wants, then he stops trying. I am able to maintain my own control without it becoming a struggle for who wins. When I see him looking for a reaction I remind myself that this is some game that he is playing for himself and that it has nothing to do with me. It's a form of bullying.

[WitzEndWife]

I am not sure how he would have responded if I didn't make a big deal about the escort. I think he might have taken it as a "not yet" kind of thing and kept pestering me about it. He did apologize for bringing it up, and, in the end, I think he felt a bit ashamed of his feelings of wanting to feel powerful through some kind of sexual game. I guess it's not on me to validate him into feeling powerful, but maybe that's a conversation we need to have, about what would make him feel powerful, and what power really means to him. He's always comparing himself to other people. He badly wants a career, but cannot bring himself to take the steps to get there, mostly because every career path feels "empty" to him. The only thing that excites him would be to invest in, and flip properties, but you need to have funds to do that first. So, I'm not sure how to be helpful. It feels like he feels bad about himself, and is reaching for anything besides just taking responsibility for himself. I am the one with a career and a good job, and I basically pay for everything. I wouldn't even mind if this was a normal partnership, and he was pursuing something like art or going to school, and I simply made more money, but, in this situation, my husband wants to earn more, refuses to pursue an education in any way, or even a ground-level full time role, and then feels emasculated and horrible about not making more money than I do. I often feel like I am enabling him simply by staying married to him. Should I be setting boundaries about what I will and will not pay for to try to push him out of the so-called nest? He has a roof over his head, food, and insurance from me, but those are difficult things to separate.

[Tattered Heart]

That's a tough decision. I honestly don't know. ON one hand you want to support your H in his dreams, but it's frustrating and sad to see him not be able to reach them because of financial barriers or because of his lack of motivation.

With finances it'd be hard too because for me I believe that in marriage our finances are OUR finances. We merged financially when we got married. Some might say that in a situation where the spouse isn't pulling his weight it's ok to split finances, but I guess it's something to look at on a case by case basis.