Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:03:17 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Feel lonely and confused  (Read 367 times)
Elliesue

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« on: February 15, 2017, 06:56:50 AM »

Hi everyone
I really need some support.
For 10 years now I think I've been living with my partner who I believe has BPD. In England it's very hard to find any help or support.
Initially my partner helped me with a job issue and was totally wonderful, kind, supportive and loving but I started to feel suffocated- he was always there and was upset if I wanted time alone even to go shopping. Then I became seriously ill and again he was supportive throughout my treatment. However he started to have rages when he would  call my kids and friends vile names and often included me. I kept thinking that I'd done something to upset him but never knew what. There was always an underlying tension even when on the surface it seemed calm.
Eventually I started to get better but the relationship got worse. He never wanted me to go out without him, would be difficult before I went and worse when I returned. He sucked the joy out of any occasion.He was with me all the time and constantly raged, name called me , discredited everyone I loved and shamed me by telling me that he would tell people what a c**t I was. This cycle got progressively worse with me being anxious and worried what I said to him in case it upset him and caused a rage. There were times of calm but the unpredictability and rage were always in the background. A Friend mentioned BPD to me so I started looking on the Internet and found this site. There were times I've questioned if I have BPD because of the crazy,upset and angry feeling he generated in me. The shaming, name calling and damaging things he's said feel like out of a film!
Last week in an argument where he'd  called me vile names, compared me very very unfavourably with his ex wife and threatened to publicly expose my badness (whatever that was ) he pushed me and Injured me. He was arrested and spent the night in the cells. He's now moved out but is behaving like he's the victim. Won't communicate unless someone else is present as he says he's frightened and behaves like a weak small child. This is such a contrast to a bullying , rageful angry man!
Feel like I'm trapped in some sort of game?
How do I deal with this?
Not sure how to communicate with him?
Feeling I never knew him at all and wondering why all the things he loved about me in the first place were exactly the things he wanted to stamp out of me?
Wondering what it was that attracted me in the first place to this monster whose never shown any affection or care for years then shame me for asking for it like I was abnormal.
Logged
Roselee
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 81



« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2017, 08:30:28 AM »

Hi Elliesue,

After reading your post, I felt like I can totally relate to your pain. I was in a similar relationship for almost 6 yrs. Started out charming, generous, helpful. But then every so often, anger would come from no where, left me unguarded and confused. Over the years there would be times of peace but then his anger would start to come more often, and for different reasons. In his mind, "I never cared for him", "wasn't in to him"... .then what was slight jealousy turned into complete crazy paranoid accusations... .with everything and everywhere I went and everyone I spoke to... .regardless of the persons age or sex. The rages started to last 12 hrs or days... .constant calling, awful texts, name calling (I too was called the "c" word). Then calling my friends and accusing them of having sex with me and telling them I had SD's and contacting my daughter in college to tell her I had a cocaine addiction (both completely false). In the end, he said he was fearing that I was going to have him killed or hurt. Crazy stuff. Especially since he was the one with the rage, that was starting to turn physical.

It's been 2 months now for me having no contact with him. I'm learning that the bond that we had really just turned into a type of a trauma bond for me. And now I am going through a sort of detox. I did send him a final closure letter the other day, because in my mind it has become the only way I can move on in my brain.  It wasn't a mean letter, just one saying, I respect our time we had, and do hope that we can both move on with our lives in peace, and explained that there is no other motive for sending it other than possibly a positive closure.  I had to think long and hard about sending it.  But I came to realize that for me, it was something I had to do to finalize it. Some here had suggested to just write it and not mail it. I'm a bit anxious that I did mail it, but I decided that I needed to make the decision  for my own timeline for closure, and not wait if there would be a time if and when he would contact me again. I wanted to send it and move on. Which is hard, but that was the first step for me.

I do feel your pain Elliesue, and I know that the calm frightened man that appears after his rages, makes it so hard to even imagine the man that was spewing awful words to you. And as women it is usually our nature to nuture and make it all better. It's very hard to explain the events that we go through to others who have "healthy" partners, it is something they will not completely understand.

I suggest doing what was suggested by others here to me to do several months ago, and it took me probably another 3 months to finally believe and follow through with their suggestions. Right now, the best would be No Contact. During the time of no contact with me, I was able to distant myself from the web of confusion and madness with his constant abuse towards me, and really try to sort out that it wasn't ME... .I wasn't doing anything wrong.  Now I just deal with the sadness that it all had to happen to begin with, and the Whys of it all.  But it is greatly better than dealing with the abuse that I know now would never stop!
Best of Luck to you!
RL
Logged
Elliesue

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2017, 12:29:43 PM »

Thank you so much for your reply. It often feels that you're alone with these awful experiences and feelings. I also have a sense of shame about it which is why it's so good to be able to tell people who really understand . Like you say it seems bizarre to people who've never had this experience.

EllieSue
Logged
Fie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 803



« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2017, 12:58:35 PM »

Hello Elliesue  

I can relate very much as well. My ex was BPD too. Also here constant anger, jealousy, etc
I broke up with him because I simply was going under. Not because I stopped loving him.
I also felt I had to protect my child. He was very nice and loving towards her, but the hostile climate between him and me was not good for her.

I agree with Roselee about the NC. Be aware that a lot of partners of BPD say that they were recycled - meaning the BPD contacted them again, and they decided to give it another go. Sometimes the non initiates the contact him/herself.

Personally I think that's a very bad idea. When the relationship was not good, it's not going to get magically better. People cannot be forced to change. Unless BPD recognize they have a real problem, and moreover are willing to work hard on it, there can be no hope on real happiness in a relationship with them, I think.

There are some communication tools on these boards, for in case you would think otherwise.

I suffered a lot in the relationship with my BPD ex, and also in the aftermaths of the break up I was devastated.
But there is a silver lining, and for me it is a crucial one. I grew immensely since then, I can almost say I'm not the same person anymore. One of my best friends told me that this was a chance to go discover why I had stayed so long with someone that had abused me. And she was right. It was more than 'I wanted to help him', as I initially thought. Looking back now, 99% of the people would have felt that he didn't *want* help, and would have run!  I was lucky enough that my friend pointed out that my FOO (family of origin) dynamics were probably not so healthy. I started reading about BPD and I realized that my mum has it too, and that I had behaved codependent in my relationship (and in the one before) because this is how I was supposed to behave as a child.

Emotionally I feel a lot healthier now. I can see PD from far and in stead of wanting to help people who don't want to be helped, I step aside and I avoid them. I see red flags when there are some, whereas before I had no clue.

So please don't feel ashamed, there is no need. There really is a reason why you let it get that far. This did not come out of nowhere. You are a product of your past, like everyone. Maybe you can grab the occasion and go digging ... .would that make sense you think ?


Logged
SES
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332


« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2017, 02:29:12 PM »

There is a risk that he may try to make you look worse that him.  He currently looks bad, as he hurt you and spent a night in the cells.  If he is playing the victim, beware.  Plus, past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour... .so there is a real risk his behaviour will escalate to hurting you again.

Do you need to have contact with him? If not, no contact sounds like a good plan. 

I'm in England too.  Have you considered a non-molestation order?  There is a UK dv charity that prepares the paperwork for free.  Also worth considering Women's Aid... .a dv charity that might have a local drop in.  Their drop in often has the police and a solicitor present to offer advice.  They were kind enough to support me... even though I'm a bloke.
Logged
Elliesue

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2017, 02:40:26 AM »

Hi again, I think he is very much trying to not look 'bad' to people who know us both by becoming more of a victim. The truth is that behind closed doors he's not this benign person he portrays at all.
A long time ago I think I recognised that my father probably had BPD and we lived in an atmosphere of tension for most of my childhood - walking on eggshells. I thought I'd recognise the signs as I'd never been in any sort of relationship with anyone who behaved like this in an adult relationship. I'm intending to get some professional help with all these feelings as often they're overwhelming and leave me feeling very sad and lonely.
Logged
SES
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332


« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2017, 12:28:43 PM »

Similar to you my mother had BPD... .she is the reason I could tolerate my ex so well. 

It is really tough.  It may take time, but things will get better.  What support have you got around you? Have you told anyone about what you have experienced?
Logged
Elliesue

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2017, 03:32:41 AM »

Hi, got my first counselling session yesterday! Have had lots of desperate feelings and need helptrying to decide if they're actually about me or what I'm left with.
I'm very wary of his new found ' reasonable ' behaviour- I looked at him when he came with his adult kids to collect some stuff and felt it was like being in a drama in that he was now just playing another part, this time a sad lonely man rather than the angry aggressive one I experience.
Logged
earlyL
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 176

Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2017, 07:00:03 AM »

Hi, got my first counselling session yesterday!


Am so glad you are going to counselling, I did the same 8 weeks ago and it has really helped. Just having someone who doesn't know you help you through this has been a rock for me. I can really relate to the 'playing another part' I work with my ex and never know which version of her I am going to get. I find it so difficult when she is behaving so rationally considering the dysfunction I have just witnessed, but I have now learnt that it only lasts a few hours and she will be in that place again, and it is me that doesn't want to be around it. It is such a traumatic experience, but it sounds like you are really doing good things to move forward for you.
Logged

lovenature
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2017, 09:02:25 PM »

Hey Elliesue

PWBPD alternate between being the helpless victim to projecting onto their partner the shame and inadequacy they feel about themselves (looks like NPD traits when they cut us down). The shame they feel from even the slightest criticism is too much for them, it boils down to them creating their own reality based on their emotion of the moment-to PWBPD feelings=facts.
Keep reading and learning, once you have enough knowledge of this awful disorder, shift the focus to you in order to learn why you accepted what you did.

You will become less lonely and confused, take it one day at a time.
Logged
Jej

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2017, 02:17:35 AM »

Hello Elliesue - I'm sorry to hear you're having this experience.  I too am in England, I too am having very similar problems with not many places to turn. I've tolerated the moods, irrational outbursts, confusion, coldness, upset, nasty comments, selfishness for years, almost ten years.  Probably because we have children, probably also because I can stand the thought of another relationship going wrong and a broken family.  I'm only just waking up to the fact that I have allowed this to happen, I have put someone else before me again, which I have a habit of doing when it comes to men. Why do I let them do stuff time and time again.  I don't know what my answer is, that's the hard part, they have you so up and down you don't know what is what anymore, but I'm starting to look at ME for a change.  What makes me happy, I'm detaching from his attitudes, and kind of leaving him to it, leaving him to his own moods and his own thoughts so I can't be blamed anymore.  I'm not facilitating his illness anymore. I have hoped for years that he can improve and get better, I am now sadly starting to think that no matter how much we both want that to keep the family unit together, it won't happen.  I wish you luck, and hope you find your strength and happiness.
Logged
Elliesue

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2017, 06:43:13 AM »

Hi Jej
I'm sorry you're living with this awful situation.
Everything you say resonates with me such a lot. I feel like I've just woken up from an illusion and it's pretty hard going to face up to why I tolerated it so long. I don't have children with him but sometimes it seemed easier that dealing with a failed relationship or being alone.
Like you 10 years is a long time to live like this, I wonder if I tolerated it because there were times in between the nastiness that weren't great but sort of bumped along the bottom and I thought it may get better! It didn't in fact it grew steadily worse.
Anyway for now it's one day at a time!
Good luck to you also! We really do need a relationship better than this!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!