For those whose BPD spouses got into therapy: How did it happen?

[WitzEndWife]

If your BPD spouse is in therapy, how did you help them get there? My uBPD husband has refused therapy, claiming that he doesn't think it's effective, and he doesn't like the idea of telling his problems to a "stranger."

I have given up suggesting it, because, clearly, that doesn't work. Instead, I have been trying to be validating so that his defenses start to come down, and my hope is that eventually he will see me as a partner and will, at an appropriate moment, be receptive to therapy. We're not there yet, as I'm still the "enemy" who is trying to "control" him, but it's getting a tiny bit better.

It would be helpful to hear others' experiences with getting BPD spouses to seek professional help. Am I on the right track here? Is it possible?

[bananas2]

WitzEnd -

I think it's different for everyone depending on how the pwBPD feels about therapy. Some are more willing than others based on their (or a family member's) past experiences with counseling or maybe being raised in a family where problems should be kept "private" or "in the family."

In hindsight, I now realize that for me, getting my BPD hub into therapy was a two-part process. With both steps, it involved an ultimatum:

1) Several years ago, just after we married, he got physically aggressive with me and smashed things in our home. His behavior scared both of us. I told him he would have to take anger management classes or I was going to leave him. While the classes weren't the same as individual therapy, I think it was what opened the door for his willingness to seek counseling later on.

2) Several months after he finished his classes, he had a terrible episode of dysregulating & was completely out of control for weeks on end. I waited for him to go to work, packed a bag and went to a hotel. I didn't give him my location. From the hotel, I called a mental health crisis center for advice & to talk things through. The crisis worker helped me work out a plan how to approach him about getting help. I called him & told him that if he wanted me back, he would have to follow my plan exactly. The plan was to meet him at the local psych hospital emergency intake, meet together with the intake person & request he be put into an intensive outpatient program. He did all the paperwork & I went home with him that night & stayed. It was 4 days/week for six-weeks, in which he was required to attend both group & individual counseling. If he missed any sessions, they would remove him from the course & I would leave him for good. After completing the course, they set him up with continued individual counseling outside the facility. Since then, he has gone through 3 therapists, but finally now settled on one he is comfortable with & will be honest with (unlike the lies he told the other therapists).

I truly hope he never gets that bad again bc I am now too physically disabled to leave him if I needed to. We now have an agreement that in order to improve our relationship & keep moving forward, that we both need to be in individual therapy. We are doing so & although it is slow, (2 steps forward, 1 step back), I do see some progress.

So, unfortunately for me, I had to leave him temporarily, with threat of never returning, in order for him to see his need for therapy. I'm certainly not suggesting that is the route you need to take, but just letting you know what my situation was since you asked.

[WitzEndWife]

Wow, bananas2. I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, but it's fortunate that he did decide to get help. My H isn't really violent with me. He rages, and gets scary, but he doesn't hurt me. It's hard for me to "just leave" because we are living with my parents at the moment, and my H is completely dependent on me, as he has no career or FT job. I am kind of thinking that we should get an apartment, despite my intent to stay with my family to save up for a house. That way, I could leave and stay with my parents if things got bad.

[bunny4523]

. I am kind of thinking that we should get an apartment, despite my intent to stay with my family to save up for a house. That way, I could leave and stay with my parents if things got bad.

Witzend,
please re-read what you just wrote.  Did you just suggest to yourself to save up for a house or get an apartment together so you could LEAVE IT if things got bad?  You seem to have alot of love to give to help him, where is the love you have to help you?  to make life good for you?

[WitzEndWife]

I'm only saying that, in our current position, I cannot leave him temporarily, I would have to kick him out. If we had an apartment, I would be able to pack a bag and leave. He has no friends here, and no way of living on his own, as he makes no income. He would have to leave the country and go live with his mother.

[Healthy88]

I understand your logic. In your current living situation, you are not able to give him the ultimatum of get help or this is done. Why would you want to go forward buying a home with him, that you may then have to sell to give him money, if you divorce? Right now there isn't a whole lot to divide monetarily, if this doesn't work out. You are at an age where you are trying to figure out your own future. I believe you said you have no children. I do think that is self care. Have you discussed this with your parents? Are they aware of the issues and supportive of you?

It sounds like your r/s is in a holding pattern and you need for it to either improve or possibly end and you are not in a situation to deliver that ultimatium. I wouldn't want to buy a home with someone I may not be sharing it with either. Obviously, in time with your parents' help, you can buy one with or without him.

If you get an apartment and move back in with your parents, you will be supporting him there and his therapy for awhile until you figure this all out. How long of a lease would you want to sign?

Sorry, if I misunderstood you. I think I am following you?

H88

[WitzEndWife]

Why would you want to go forward buying a home with him, that you may then have to sell to give him money, if you divorce? 
Have you discussed this with your parents? Are they aware of the issues and supportive of you?


If you get an apartment and move back in with your parents, you will be supporting him there and his therapy for awhile until you figure this all out. How long of a lease would you want to sign?

I won't purchase a home with him until he gets some kind of treatment. I do feel as though if he could address his trauma and rage issues, life would be better for both of us. I know better than to get a huge asset like that while knowing this whole thing could potentially go south.

My parents are supportive and they are fully aware of the issues. They have also been affected by his moody behavior, so they would prefer for us to have a timeline for moving out (if it was just me, they'd let me stay for as long as I would like).

If I would leave the apartment, I would build a plan to withdraw support for him. So, I would withdraw support for utilities and phone, then set a date to conclude rent payment. It would force him to also take the steps necessary to be an adult, hopefully. If he could make it on his own and got treatment, I would then consider starting over.

[Aurylian]

My approach was somewhat unique, but might provide an option.

I originally went to the T because I thought I was going crazy (before my wife's diagnosis).  After going for some time, I invited my wife to come with me.  She eventually did. After a year or so of little to no progress, the T finally diagnosed her and told me.  At some point after that we split into joint sessions and sessions with each of us individually.  Eventually I bowed out and she kept going and still is going. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi,

My dBPDh has been going to psychoanalysis for about 2,5 years now. Before that he had a periode of about 6 months where he went to a psychologist/art therapist. Earlier in his life, before my time, he has been doing sporadic therapy from time to time, like schema therapy.

I know how frustrating it can be when our loved ones can't see how valuable and helpful and life saving it can be to go to therapy. How you feel like you're hitting your head against a wall of blame, rage and accusations of it being "your fault", whatever the "it" is at that moment in time.

When my husband started seeing the art therapist about 3 or 4 years ago, he went because I had been seeing a psychologist for a while and came out of a session completely distroyed, shaking and trembling, because my therapist had told me she was worried about my safety and thought I should leave him. I told him, and he was shocked enough to start therapy on his own. Eventually it fizzeled out, and he refused to see someone else. So I let it go. He has told me now, years later, that it just felt like such an insurmountable task to change his behavoiurs and reactions. He was convinced that he could never be different, so he found other coping strategies and behaviours (blaming me). This was not a conscious choice at the time, of course.

When he started in psychoanalysis 2,5 years ago, it came after a clash with his parents and me during what was supposed to be a nice dinner. His parents and me were all crying, and when his father gave him the name of a therapist he had been seeing himself, my husband was open to it. And he has been sticking with it. The difference, he says, is that with the psychoanalysis he feels like he's really diving in deep and that with the psychologist it was all on the surface. So this has felt, for him, like it might actually help him. And it has 

[daverisk]

My wife had a moment of clarity and recognized that some of the things she was doing and feeling weren't "normal" and received a referral from her doctor.  It happened after an argument in which I recited a litany of the guys she had sexted with in the past (I do NOT recommend this type of confrontation).  After we both cooled off and talked she actually shared some of her feelings with me... .the boredom... .the identity crisis, etc.  Basically, we got lucky.

[WitzEndWife]

Update from me (OP) on this: After experiencing crushing anxiety and depression to the point of which he was completely unable to leave his room, he FINALLY agreed to see a therapist via Skype. My therapist owns her own practice and employs several people, one of whom she referred our way. Because she's based in another state, this therapist will eventually convince my H to set up in-person therapy, and more intensive sessions, but she has to earn his trust first. At least he's doing something once a week.