What should I do?

[CG4ME]

I decided to set a boundary with my two daughters (one dwBPD the other has OCD and may also have BPD) after I was verbally abused and made to feel like I was a horrible person for asking them for help when their dad got sick.  I have already shared my story about that in this forum so I won't repeat it but I am having a hard time with how to move forward.  My eldest is now pregnant and she cut me off recently. The other has not cut me off but she hasn't spoken to me since I called her on her abusive behaviour towards me. What I am struggling with is that they still communicate with their dad but have not made any effort to repair their relationship with me. I'm hesitant to want to contact them because I don't want them to think that it means they can continue to behave that way towards me but I also feel that if I don't connect with them and try to work towards some sort of a solution that I am failing them. Or am I abandoning myself and my values if I do that?

My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I feel like I am setting myself up for being hurt because a part of me is hoping they will do the right thing and wish their mom a happy birthday, which can open the door to communication, but if they don't then it will break my heart even more.

I just don't know how to proceed or when to proceed talking to them? Do I just keep waiting indefinitely, hoping they will want to reach out or do I reach out sooner than later and check in to see how they are and if there is a way to bring some understanding to this situation? They are both adults with lives of their own and as much as I love and miss them they are old enough to know right from wrong and I guess that is where I am struggling because they are showing me they don't know right from wrong and I may be waiting a long time before they do.

With my daughter who is pregnant, I never imagined that I would be sitting here feeling so hurt and disappointed that I am not able to be their for her as she embarks on this journey.  She took what could have been such a special time in our lives (hers and mine) and basically threw it away like all the love and energy I put into my relationship with her meant nothing.  Now I am disposable? Even if she does come around at some point the damage is done and that moment is lost forever.  That broke me and I don't feel like I can ever have the kind of relationship where I can trust her with my heart again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

You can maintain your boundary and still leave the door open. Reaching out does not mean you accept the past behavior; it means you’re willing to engage if it’s respectful.

[CC43]

Hi there,

My general advice to parents is to leave the lines of communication open.  Nevertheless, I never "beg" for contact, let alone expect an apology.  I think that pwBPD tend to twist narratives so that they are always the victim, which means you probably won't ever hear an apology, no matter how hurtful the behavior.  I bet I could do a survey right now on these boards and ask the question, Has the loved one with BPD in your life ever apologized?  I think I know what the answer would be:  a resounding No (or at best, Not truly).

I think the best possible outcome would be resumption of contact and pretending like nothing happened.  This is how things generally play out with the pwBPD in my life.  The timeline for resumption of contact usually depends on her level of need.  In other words, she reaches out only when she needs something.  The relationship feels very transactional that way.

In the meantime, my suggestion would be to reach out relatively infrequently, with short, emotionless messages.  Try not to "beg," bribe or otherwise try to incite a response, because that comes with the pressure of expectation, and your daughters certainly don't want added pressure right now.  I think you hope for the best but expect the status quo of no response for the time being.  I'd remind you to try not to take things personally, because "punishing" you with estrangement is a typical BPD tactic.  The more you seem hurt by it, the more likely she'll continue.  The bright side is you can keep tabs on your daughters through your husband, which doesn't sound that bad to me at all.  To me, it doesn't matter so much if I'm told about things "last" or via a third party, I just feel glad to know what's going on. 

But what I'm reading is your own deep hurt by their behavior, and the concern that they don't know right from wrong.  I bet their behavior isn't a reflection of how they were raised.  My guess is that they know full well they are hurting you, and in their opinion, that retaliatory feeling trumps taking the high road.  I think you need to be the bigger person and try not to let their behavior get to you so much.  They're telling you they're not ready to have a "normal" relationship right now, and that's their choice.  You go out and celebrate your birthday with your husband, and have a great time.  I know it's hard for you right now, but with BPD, situations have a tendency to shift frequently.  I'd recommend a healthy dose of patience.  At the end of the day, this isn't really about you, this is about highly distorted thinking and emotional reactivity associated with BPD.  I think a way to cope with that is to try not to get sucked into the emotional drama created by your daughters.  I know it hurts, but this really isn't about you.  I hope that perspective will take some of the sting out of it.