My BPD girlfriend who is also extremely jealous

[confused2026]

I have been with my BPD girlfriend for several years. She is also extremely jealous. We have a long distance relationship. She is constantly checking on me and every week or so, accuses me on cheating on her and picks fights. I have never cheated on her and never will. But in her mind, she is convinced otherwise.
I am totally exhausted by having to reassure her that I care a lot about her and am not cheating or planning to leave her. But honestly, a part of me thinks that I should leave her and put an end to all the meaningless fights and sleepless nights.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Thank you!

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[Mutt]

Welcome. That sounds exhausting.

What’s so apparent isn’t just the jealousy, it’s the cycle. The accusations every week, the checking, the fights, and then having to prove something that hasn’t happened. That would wear anyone down.

Being in a long-distance relationship can certainly bring about a fear of abandonment. But with BPD, that fear can be very real in the moment, even if it’s not happening.

One thing that can sometimes help is moving from a position of defending yourself to validating the feeling that’s underneath it.

~ “I can hear that you’re feeling scared right now. I care about you. I’m not cheating.”

It doesn’t mean you have to agree with the accusation. It just helps to bring the temperature down.

But more than that, the question isn’t whether you love her, it’s whether you and she are trying to work on the pattern together. Is she open to seeking help or finding tools to deal with the jealousy?

You’re not wrong to feel tired. That’s important data.

[Under The Bridge]

Insecurity always seems to be the next phase from the initial 'love bombing' at the start, when you're both so apparently compatible in every way and there's not a single issue.. then the accusations and suspicions start. It's quite a kick in the teeth when that suddenlt happens.

The problem with the BPD mind is that it isn't open to logic - you can't ever convince them you're not cheating because they simply won't see facts. I got accused of cheating even when I'd spent the whole night sitting with her and she knew where I was.

Defending yourself does no good as it just reinforces their belief and apologies - even though you know you're innocent - do the same thing. In their mind they're right and nothing can change that.

Assuming they can't recognise they have a problem and are prepared to commit to therapy, the only question is how long you're prepared to put up with things. The BPD will never change on their own. We give them more and more chances, but eventually we decide that enough is enough and the relationship is going nowhere.