Completely Distressed and Not Sure how to cope

[Dee_Girl]

Hi all, this is my first post here and I am sorry that it is a long one. I was in a same sex relationship with a woman for the last two years. We were friends for 1 year before that.

When I met her I was in a long term 10 year relationship and for reasons other than (but also including my increasing attachment to this woman), I broke up the relationship. This woman, let's call her J has been straight all her life, she and I are both 47. She has only had two boyfriends in her life, one is her younger years (teens) and she thought she would marry him but they broke up and it shattered her. She married a man she wasn't emotionally attached to and had a child with him but she broke up with him and took her child with her to Australia. She spent the next 10 years raising her child and did not have a relationship during this time. However, five years in, she did form a close 'friendship' with another female and I guess they were emotionally attached , whatever it was she made it sound like there was no romantic connection there but it was a weird emeshment and she felt like the other woman was 'controlling' her or making her do things for her. She eventually blocked her 'best friend (?) at that time and didn't look back.

Covid hit and there was a bit of a lockdown period. She reached out to me as we work in the same organisation and were from the same country and we connected. Our connection grew, although she was a little strange at first I thought, where she would block me, or get very posessive and fight with me if I spoke to her friends. I thought it strange for a nearly 45 year old woman at that time. In any case I got very attached to her, she made me feel very important to her, and valued. I took her blocking me and unblocking me (not very frequently) when she got upset as a sign that I actually mattered and she didn't know how to deal with her emotions. Eventually I broke up with my partner of 10 years (for other reasons but she was certainly one of it). We had not spoken about our feelings for each other at the time but a little while after the break up we did. She gave me hell before actually being with me, questioning my character, being very defensive and pulling away hard at times. I nearly gave up but she then came towards me and we were 'together'. I was her first romantic relationship with a woman and she was very attached to me but from the beginning she would have these jealous / possessive rages that frightened me and gave me anxiety. I used to chase her right at the start and get very distressed when she blocked me and her eyes would turn black sometimes , or she would accuse me of the wildest things. But I was barely functioning when I could not talk to her but then she would come back even when i thought she wouldn't. There was at least a weekly or twice weekly blocking of me over something or other. She would accuse me of certain things that were not true, including being hysterical when I went to walk the dogs without my phone and she thinks i have abandoned her or I was lying about my whereabouts (she was in my apartment and asleep .. I even had my dogs with me). She was wild and escaped my apartment and things like that. She would get out of a moving car when fighting with me. She would verbally rage at me and call me all sorts of names - eventually I got very worn down and anxiety ridden - once she left me for five weeks because I said that her wanting to know the name of every single person I had chatted to on my phone was a little 'controlling'. She hung up and I couldn't reach her and I was in distress for five weeks until she finally came back. This is the short of it, she would freak out when I was overseas, break up with me over and over again. I am on anti anxiety medication because of this .

One day she was threatening to leave me yet again (over a silly argument over a game - we are 46 years old at this time) and I became uncharacteristically distressed and tried to stop her from leaving and in my distress I hit her (not hard) on the arm and said some terrible things! I am so ashamed of it but she said she doesn't want to think about it and wanted to be with me (complete whiplash). I eventually got used to her leaving because she would then usually come back within the week when she wanted to spend time with me on the weekends.

However there were a couple of significant incidents last year that became physical. She was frustrated at an argument we were having and started hurling herself against my apartment wall telling me that this was how I drove my ex crazy. I have an trauma from an ex partner that did this and ended up in hospital because I was trying to break up with her. I freaked out and had a similar response but she would then hug me and say she was sorry , she thinks she loves me and she's scared because she didn't want to be a lesbian. I let her stay and I loved her more. She's 50% of the time the sweetest, most funny, sexy and beautiful woman I have ever known. I see her vulnerabilities, I know I can't fix her but she trusted me with them and I think that's why I see the worst of her.

I am not perfect, I have broken down, been very defensive , always arguing for her to hear me through her distortions. I tried to set boundaries, I have yelled, broken down, cried. But I was always always there for her and I want to be.

Last year in September I paid for a trip and on the second day she said she was feeling out of sorts, she said it wasn't me and she knows it's her. But the day was awful she was moody and strange and when we got back to our accommodation she went for a shower and I waited for her watching tv. She got upset with me that I wasn't waiting for her when she got out of the shower, I tried to explain that I was just watching some telly and we can go do anything she wanted now ... she refused my explanation and got upset and I was tired from driving all day and trying to keep her ok that day I got upset . I must have triggered her, we exchanged some nasties and I regret doing this but I showed her the finger. She threw her phone at me, it hit me on my jaw and then she came over and hit me on the head (not hard either). She then locked herself in the room. My jaw was bruised and swollen and I was in shock and panic, I was yelling at her and telling her we are leaving now and to let me into the room so I can pack and that I didn't know why she did that - but I feel ashamed because I had triggered her. She yanked me by my hair and screamed in my ear that "it is always my fault you are never to blame, it is always me me me!" I was in shock. I didn't know what to think. She didn't want to leave that night but she said she knew we were over.

I got up next morning and I don't know what it is about me but I still love her and love her so much. She was in pieces about what happened. I told her I forgave her and strangely we had an amazing day out.

Things were more settled when we got back home for the next six weeks. We had some really good weeks and she was way calmer than before. She mentiond "we haven't had a fight for a while" and I said "yes doesn't mean we should start", as a joke. The very next day she started withdrawing for no reason, said she shouldn't stay over at my place anymore. What we did on the weekends was not what she wanted, I got upset and annoyed - she followed on this trajectory by cancelling plans for a concert I had booked making it about me not having got the tickets for her in the first place and she didn't get along with my friends. I was distraught and upset from this whiplash and got upset at her. She tried to make it up to me on the weekend and it was fine .. regardless I think my nerves were shot and the next time she tried to gaslight my intentions of seeing her by saying I didn't want to see her even after I had reassured her she got to say that I am the crazy one that got upset and angry at her all the time. Anyway that night I called her manipulative over text. She blocked me. Next day she came back and wanted to hang out, and we did. It was fine. The next day is when the last rupture took place after two years - I wanted to see her and hang out with her and I was going to drive and pick her up. I offered to make dinner and it was all good. In the car she seemed to be in a bad mood and I had shut me down a few times ... then she asked to be intimate when we got back to my place to which I rejected her because I was on my period (sorry tmi). I know that probably was a rejection to her because she then started going on about why ask her to hang out if we were not going to be intimate, and so on and so forth and brought up the manipulative comment. I was hormonal and tired and had gone to a lot of effort to shop and pick her up that I snapped again and started yelling at her., She was calm through it all.

She said she was done, she was exhausted. I tried to still continue our plans to make an attempt to reconcile even though I was fuming but she said it was too late. She refused to get out of the car so I drove her home. On the way home she continued to make a comment that lesbians were so dramatic , always so much drama. I was exasperated and I said "own it, you are one too". She shut up after that and refused to say another word and told me I should shut up too. I think I hit a nerve and I am embarassed that I acted the way I did. On the way back to her place I noticed she had again blocked me on her phone. My abandonment triggers were escalated and I couldn't take it anymore. I said I was done too and asked her not to unblock me and to stay strong. We were both going overseas and the break would do us good. She got out of the car and that was the last I have heard from her.

I sent her an apology e-mail two days after that event in the car, no pressure for a response I said just want to say I was sorry for yelling it wasn't ok. No response. We both went on our respective overseas trip. Nothing when I came back. I thought I would wait a bit more - sent her an 'accidental ping" at work that I told her was accidental and I wish she was well. Nothing.

I don't know what to do. Is it over? I can't believe it is I am horrified by how I acted. I know it is unhealthy but I want to be better and I am going to seek therapy because I cannot deal with this. But what is happening here? Does she have BPD is she avoidant? I can see that she has added a couple of people to her instagram (we are not connected socially or digitally so I am obviously desperate and in despair) so she has been out and about. I don't know what to think. She is definintely done? Given the 100s of returns my brain can't believe it. I love her still despite everything and I understand what I do to trigger her and I want to be better. What should I do? Can I do anything, should I stop waiting ? I am in such agony I know I am not healthy myself in terms of my anxious co-dependent attachment but I feel we were her one true emotional connection in her life and physical once in ten years   .... is she really over me just like that. I have tried to be patient but I am only human and I erred and I feel terrible for all that I had said in the last couple of ruptures but I didn't want it to be the end. I am not sure what I am looking for, just wanting to know if she will come back ... I'm blocked like I told her to keep me blocked and I feel so stupid for that. She's not blocked on my end but she's been silent to everything I don't even know if she read my apology e-mail three months back.

She and I still work in the same organisation so I see her online at work but we do not see each other physically (it's a big organisation) and I am tormented. Please be kind as I am not in a good place at the moment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Mutt]

Dee, I’m really sorry you’re in this much pain. Reading your post, I can feel how exhausted and torn up you are.

That constant blocking, breaking up, coming back, loving you intensely, then turning on you - that kind of push and pull really messes with your head and your heart. It makes you cling harder because you’re always bracing for the next loss.

I hear how much you’re blaming yourself. But this didn’t end because of one bad night or one comment. The relationship had been unstable and painful for a long time.

Right now it probably feels unbearable and urgent, like you need to know if she’s coming back. That feeling is real. But the bigger question might be whether this cycle would ever truly change.

You’re not weak for loving her. You’re hurting. Try to put your energy into getting steady again. Therapy sounds like a really good next step.