Boxer shorts, divorce threats, and fear of abandonment

[GrayJay]

After more than a week of good companionship, my uBPD wife had a very strong reaction last night, and she is still upset today. We had just returned from a trip to another part of the country to visit our daughter and son-in-law, and it all went well. We were tired from travel, but were doing laundry and putting it away when my wife found a single pair of boxer shorts in my clothes drawer which she had never seen before. I wear cotton boxer shorts (gray, blue, and black) from Costco, but this was a similar cut of short but navy blue and made of polyester. It had very fine pin stripes. It's been in my drawer for quite a few years, but to be honest I never wear them (probably did once or twice, but I prefer cotton) and do not remember where I got them. She immediately jumped on me, thinking that this was sexy underwear and I was just waiting for a chance to use them in front of another woman. She just "knows" that I have plans, especially when she is not at home or might have to visit her sick mother who lives far away. She immediately tore into me, and goes from low emotional arousal to 100% in a few seconds. I responded (truthfully) that I did not remember where I got them, but looked at the label and found that the brand is sold at a particular department store nearby which we visit 1-2 times per year. I don't go there alone, and must have bought them along with other items that both of us purchased together, but it may have been at least 5 years ago, probably more. She said I was lying that I didn't remember, and that I'm a psychopath with no moral sense. I tried to tell her that I would never have an affair (and this is true), but she was completely dysregulated, in full amygdala control mode. She said she cannot live with a sneaky, untrustworthy man, and that I have hurt her far too many times; it's best to end the relationship. All of her reading and inquiries into AI say that I am hopeless and that she should protect (save) herself by ending our 34 year marriage.
We went to bed, tired and jet lagged, and here is a portion of our text exchange, lightly edited to remove names, places, and the occasional misspelling. One or two typos remain which I don't know how to correct. I'm sure I JADEed, but I couldn't just ignore her and I tried to calm her down.

Her: I'm starting to feel you look like Epstein. You do all kinds of mischief and then get your on the verge of dying episodes! And keep me hanging around so I can clean up your pee, poop, and vomit! I deserve much better. Your toxic covert behaviors, lying and manipulating and gaslighting behaviors make it unbearable to be around you. The less I am around you the more peace I have!
Me: I'm sorry this upset you so much. It's just a pair of polyester boxer shorts, not cotton like the ones I get from Costco.
Her: The best answer is always "I don't know." How can you not know where you got silly underwear from! I share everything with you. You are as slippery as an eel. Karma is a b****, you know. You will have to pay for all the lies you have told me!
Me: I am not lying. I have many clothes that I don't remember buying. I can see you're very upset and I am very sorry about that, but there's nothing sinister here.
Her: You try to gaslight me into leaving so you become the victim.
Me: I want to stay married to you for the rest of our lives. We have so many good things, and many more good things to look forward to.
Her: Then stop gaslight, lying, and doing shady s***! You have torment way too much already for me to be this awakened and still want to be with you. I am raw and unprotected. And you have no empathy or feelings. Only a persona. May even be a psychopath!  "An immature man won't end a relationship directly. He'll sabotage it or push you to be the one who walks away." (Note: this is a quote from a Facebook page.
Me: Here's the thing, and I know it for certain - I do not want to end the marriage. I do not want you to end the marriage either.  It's as simple as that.
Her: You don't want to end the marriage but you are constantly undermining the marriage. Don't expect me to just flip over and love you again after you have betrayed and hurt me so much. I found out what you were like only after you retired! This is all new to me! I have been an innocent fool. That is why I say I have no guilt or shame. You have been the one misbehaving, doing coercive control, financially abusing me, making a fool of yourself as well as me flirting with old women, hitting on you hyphens (sic) like a pedophile. You have been a deplorable husband. Young women your daughter's age! I don't want to go places with you I want the freedoms of just representing myself. Not someone misbehaving next to me!
Me: We had very enjoyable and successful trips to (place 1) and (place 2). We work together very well as a team in helping our adult children. I have zero desire or intention for separation or divorce. I am not threatening it and I do not want you to initiate it either. I don't know how I can be any clearer than that.

This went on a bit longer, and I eventually ended it by saying "I think we need to end this conversation for tonight. We're going in circles with no resolution. I am committed to you and I am committed to the marriage and that's the truth. To which she replied: I want to go through the "psychopath husband" article with you in the morning. You cover every trait.

What do you think of this? I know I did some JADE, but tried to minimize it. Not giving a response would have been far worse, and me responding in a similar tone to hers would have been disastrous. We did go through the psychopath husband article today and despite the ludicrous nature of the claims, I stayed fairly calm, and she is still upset but not as bad.

Any suggestions, encouragement?  Thanks!

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[SuperDaddy]

Hey GrayJay,

She just wants you to use the gray jay boxer shorts, not the blue. Otherwise she would think you're become the dancing blue guy of "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by
Eiffel 65 in 1998. Just kidding...

Firstly, congratulations on more than a week of enjoyable companionship.

I don't think you made any serious mistakes, but you counter-argued and tried to defend yourself. Maybe you got upset with her because of her overreaction to the forgotten boxer shorts. That's normal. But as you defended, you invalidated her, and therefore she attacked you back, trying to instill fear of abandonment in you.

It would have been better if you had asked questions to better understand what was going through her mind. After making sure you understood her, you could have let her know you comprehended her thoughts. Next, as an attempt to help her feel better, you could have said those blue boxer shorts didn't mean anything to you, so you wouldn't mind throwing them away if that would make her feel better. Then, you could ask for a minute and grab some scissors to destroy it if she agrees (actions count more than words). If you did that with the right emotion and intention, I'm guessing she would feel touched when seeing you do that for her.

[CC43]

Hi Gray Jay,

I can see how that sort of interaction would be really distressing.  My guess is that most of the accusations are projections.  But at the same time, I can't help but see how it looks like your wife is trying to stir up a fight.  My guess is that something else went on during the trip--maybe you "outshined" her in front of others, or you said something she took as an insult, for example.

You did what I would ordinarily do--try to reassure her of your love and commitment.  My go-to phrase is, I choose to be with you every day.  But sometimes, it looks like the imagination runs absolutely wild.  Sometimes, by "engaging" and giving attention, I think it might "validate" that the pwBPD actually has a point--rather than calming them down, engaging with the topic riles them up.  It's as if the attention is tacit confirmation of offense, that you "dignify" the argument with counter-argument!  I think if my spouse were giving me that sort of crap, ignoring my reassurance, I'd just leave the room.

Here's an example:  my spouse will do that sort of thing, try to "ruin" a nice day or evening, by accusing me of "abandoning" him or being "too nice" to other people.  He'll say it's unfair that I have a social life, that I have friends, that I give his relatives attention, etc., and it's all BALONEY.  He'll become apoplectic if I'm out "late," say until 8:30 or 9 pm one evening every other month, when he's out "late" two or three times a week.

Since it's all nonsense, I usually just let him rage by himself.  I think he knows perfectly well he's being unreasonable, going off the deep end over the equivalent of a sad old pair of underwear.  And yes, it's completely unreasonable to demand proof of purchase from years ago.  I've learned that when arguments get to "ridiculous" levels, there's no point in arguing, so I gray rock instead and slip out of the room.  If he follows me looking for a fight, I'll try it again--stay silent and slip out of the room.  If he's so enraged that he's looking for a fight, the third time, I'll say something like, "I'm not going to fight with you over old underwear," and try to leave again.  I know I'm a little cheeky when I call out the nonsense, but I think it's important, lest he thinks I'm OK with tolerating nonsense.

Then usually what I do is try to repair things the next day, when he has calmed down--usually he has by then.  I'll say, My darling, it's upsetting to me to think that you think I'm cheating on you, that I'm not paying enough attention to you.  But I love you and choose to be with you every day.  Just because I (have an old pair of underwear / get coffee with a girlfriend / come home at 8:30 pm / put on mascara) doesn't mean that I love you any less.  I support you in your life and your family so that you have a happy life, and I expect the same support from you.  If he's belligerent, then I'll say, in my most agreeable voice possible, OK then, if you want to make some changes, then I will do it, to show you my commitment to you.  But if there are changes, we BOTH make them, because we are partners.  I'm an adult, just like you, and I'm not a slave in this relationship.  If you want proof of purchase of all my clothes, then I expect the exact same from you.  If you insist I have a 6 pm curfew, then I expect the exact same for you.  If you want to take anything of mine without asking first, then I can take anything of yours without asking either.  If you insist that I make all meals at a specific time, then I insist that you're home to eat every single meal at the prescribed time.  If you insist on dictating what I wear, then I dictate what you wear too.  If I'm not allowed to look at text messages, then you aren't either.  OK then?  Will that make things better?  And that usually ends the argument, at least for the moment.

I don't know, maybe the way to convey this is I try to be firm but fair (or maybe, equally unfair).  The fair part is really important to me.  Otherwise, I'd just end up resenting my partner, constantly being restricted / controlled / surveilled and put in a position of "proving" my devotion, when it's impossible.