How to move forward - Adult son & Fiance

[bpdUDS]

I am at a complete bottom with my adult undiagnosed son (26). He seemed pretty normal until he turned 16/17 and he fell into a bad crowd and started abusing drugs for the next 10 years. His spiral as a teen was very sudden, and seemed to be mostly drug related, he also has ADHD. But now I look back and even before that, he didn’t seem attached to people normally. I was a young single mom and things were less stable until he was about 8. He was and is very emotionally immature, and after 14 (started drugs) slowly turned into a really deceptive person who treated people poorly but pretended to be a good guy at home. I was easily manipulated emotionally. He never really had developed his own personality and interests and just clung to everyone and adopted whoever he was with at the time. The drug abuse worsened and he put us through complete hell for a decade with a lot of on and off estrangement, lies, manipulation, blame, theft, and was and is, completely remorseless. He has never apologized for anything - is that a BPD trait?

He held a narrative that we were at fault for the conflict at home, and not his addiction or behaviours. I enabled him for a long time, always forgiving him and not making him address things because I was just happy to see him after weeks, or months missing. I think we were at times less validating than we could have been throughout his life, coming from invalidating homes ourselves, but not terribly. We were a pretty good normal family.

I always blamed the drugs for his behaviour, but once he cleaned up after he hit a big bottom last year. He still had so much instability in his personality and life. He can’t be alone, and goes from relationship to relationship. Then he met a woman who has be diagnosed BPD and seems very very mentally unstable. He didn't even tell her about us for months after dating. They both had a fast romance filled with drama, and that very suddenly became all about religion. I reacted poorly to his very sudden conversion. That reaction is now his and her primary focus for the last several months. She sends really emotionally charged messages to me, signed both of them, cutting off contact, or telling me how awful I am. I’ve only met her a couple times. I respond very neutrally and it infuriates her.

After this religious conflict, he proposed within a couple months and they planned a wedding all while being NC for us - their choice. But then he got very upset that we didn’t try harder to make amends and to contact him. I think I have apologized 5 times. He gets mad if we address things, mad if we don’t. He’s mad that we don’t fix things for him, but he avoids contact when we try to open a dialogue. He actually avoids conflict 99% of the time. We only see him 0-1-2 times a year. He holds resentments and can’t move past perceived slights, no matter what we do.

Her most recent message uninvited us to his wedding and cut contact again. This is because I wanted our son to address things instead of a ‘fresh start’ which he requested. I believe it's because he wants money for the wedding.

I just have reached a point that I can’t do it anymore.

After learning about her diagnosis, I can see now that he fits a lot of the BPD criteria. I can’t believe how similar their behaviour sounds to the entries I read on this site.

With the wedding, we are not attending and not trying to convince him otherwise. I feel like I can’t lose another single day to his chaos and he is our only child so it stings a lot. I’ve done years of therapy and I am handling it a lot better now.

I want to send him a message that calmly shares my concerns about his mental health, is that even worth it. How many people are walking away at this stage? I don't have the energy to walk on eggshells with one let alone two people this unstable. Do people tend to get better over time, his also might have NPD, I don't really know. I do have a lot of personality disorders in my family tree, none diagnosed. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello bpdUDS and welcome to the family.  I have a 26 year old BPD daughter and so much of what you shared resonated with my journey as well.  Thankfully, my kid tried every possible drug and didn't care for them (except weed).  If it wasn't for that one thing, I'd be in the exact same position you are.

Much of what you shared resonates with a BPD diagnosis, but honestly we're not here for that as much as we are to support you personally and help you through this troubling time. 

You've mentioned that you've brought up the mental health aspect a few times and that seems to backfire, which is this forums experience as a whole as well.  Very few people hear that type of thing with an open-mind.  Instead, they hear, "You think I'm crazy and everything is my fault!"  It's counter-productive to try forcing a conversation like that and it almost never leads to something productive. 

Instead, it's better to let your son realize that he needs help on his own.  When he's ready, he'll seek treatment and/or ask for advice. My kid did that about two years ago and while she still struggles, her life has changed dramatically for the better.

Again though, this is about you and moving past this in a productive way.  Have you talked this out with friends or family?  Or have you considered counseling to help you work through this?  It's A LOT to process and we've all struggled so much.  Hopefully you're making time for you and not becoming fixated on fixing a problem that's not actually yours.