Feeling alone

[broken mom2]

Hi,
Not really sure where to start I am new to this. My 22 year old daughter has BPD and has recently cut me out of her life.
It started 13 years ago when her father and I got divorced, he was seeing someone else. After a year and a bit I met someone and she has never accepted him. He also had 2 children and we would plan little trips together and my daughter would always act out in some way to ruin it. She also began being physical with me. I took her to therapist after therapist and she would never talk during the sessions. After years of him trying he had to step back from her and think of his own kids and my son and me. We never combined our families in one home we always kept separate homes for the kids until my youngest moved out.
When my daughter was 17 she ended up having a baby who I helped with while she lived with me. So the first 3 years of her life I was always there. Once my son moved away for school I decided it was time for me to have a life of my own and move in with my fiance. I would visit my daughter and granddaughter regularly but it was never enough for her. Whenever she would have an episode it was always my fault she would say I never loved her. This would go at least once a week while we lived together and down to once a month once I moved out.
Just recently she has told me she does not want me in her life if I can't be the mom she wants me to be. She blames all of this on my finace saying he is controlling me. He has always stayed away when I would visit my parents or my daughter because that was her safe place and he did not want to make her uncomfortable. So I would have my two lives that never really intertwined. My son gets along wonderfully with my fiance and his kids and it kills me inside that my daughter could have had this but fought it.
I feel like I have failed her but I do not know what to do anymore, I am mentally drained and I am trying to accept that someone is putting me first for once but it is hard. My entire family has always put my daughter first and has never really accepted mental health issues. So I am alone in this battle with no one to talk to.
I hope one day I can have a relationship with my daughter and granddaughter because it breaks my heart everyday.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello Broken Mom and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you feel like you're facing this alone...just know that all of us felt that way when arriving here.  It is so tough with a BPD kid and their constant demands.

One thing you said that jumped out at me was, "Just recently she has told me she does not want me in her life if I can't be the mom she wants me to be."  Hopefully you can see the narcissism within that statement, how she insists on controlling you or cutting you out of her life...it probably doesn't "feel like" there's a middle ground.  You get to decide what's best for your life though and it sounds like you've already sacrificed so much and waited so long.

Think of it this way- your daughter will always have mental illness and that's 100% outside your control.  She's the only one who can decide to make changes.  You also get a choice in your life though and you haven't failed at all...you've gone so far above and beyond without being appreciated for it.

A few questions- is your daughter currently in therapy?  What are currently some of your biggest challenges with her?  I'll love to talk that out with you as we wait for others to chime in.