Need advice

[Barney1015]

We've been together for 10 years. He hasn't had job since before covid and even then, he didn't keep them long. I support us through my autistic son's job, my student loans and my income ( which is nothing right now because he insisted I quit my dead end job). We've had multiple DV incidents in the past. I've been strangled, grabbed, thrown and threatened. For years he's been finding himself. He enrolled in college but quickly abandoned it when the financial aid for living expenses was minimal. He's a genius so he considers grunt jobs beneath him. We live in a motel and have for about a year. Half of our ten years has been living in a car.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to a wealth of precious resources in peer support, though admittedly remote.  Please consider seeking out your DV resources available locally.  They can be life savers.  There are also online emergency numbers as well, someone will shortly pop in and mention them as well.

Please realize that this is an abusive relationship.  Even if it is only sometimes abusive, then it is an abuser/victim relationship.

We probably can't say this is Borderline, Antisocial, or whatever since we only have your description.  Most of us never had a diagnosis of our partners (or disordered parents, siblings or children) since many refuse counseling or therapy and thus don't get diagnosed.  However, what we can do is look at the actions and behavior patterns over years.  It is clear that your partner hasn't improved his behaviors.  And probably won't change for the better in the future.

Here is a partial quote from one of the best articles by clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

Summary
As we go through life, we encounter a variety of individuals. We also develop a variety of relationships with others including family members, neighbors, fellow workers, friends, and familiar faces. Healthy relationships seem to be healthy in the same way – having characteristics of respect, concern for others, affection, cooperation, honesty, mutual goals, etc. A relationship with a Personality Disorder is totally different. That 9 or 10 percent of adults with a “Cluster B” Personality Disorder can create significant difficulties in our life. In brief contacts they are often troublesome - the uncle who is a con artist or the sister-in-law that nobody can tolerate at holiday dinners. When we bring them into our lives however, a Personality Disorder rapidly takes over and our life becomes centered on their needs, demands, and goals. To achieve their self-centered objectives, the Personality Disorder becomes the controller, abuser, manipulator and user in relationships. The early identification of individuals who create unhealthy relationships can save us from years of heartache as well as damage to our personality, self-esteem, finances, and lifestyle.

Dr Joe Carver has long since retired and his website is gone but this link has an entire article to download:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0

We are here.  More members will chime in with additional experiences, insights and practical strategies going forward.  You are NOT alone and there IS hope for a better future.

[Skip]

I noticed you are posting on the 'Detaching Board", not the "Bettering Board".  Are you looking to start breaking away (Detaching) or are you looking for tools to deal with your situation.

There is a lot to unpack here, but the one thing that stands out to me is him asking, and you quitting your job. Without questioning anyone's motives, this is counterproductive for you. The tighter the money the more dependent you all are on staying together and the more likely to be exposed to DV or losing your home.

How do you feel about not working?

[CC43]

Hi Barney,

I'm worried about you and your autistic son being subject to violence and abuse.  But I'm also worried about your partner trying to control you.  He might insist you stop working so that he can control and monitor you full time.  But then how will you support yourself?  At some point you'll have to pay back your student loans.  Student loans are meant for learning, not enabling the long-term unemployment of a romantic partner.

Clearly your partner has no interest in working, having been unemployed for the last seven years, maybe longer.  Sure, he thinks he's a genius and too important to work, but that to me seems extremely narcissistic.  Meanwhile, he critizices your job, calling it a "dead end."  Paid jobs exist precisely because somebody is needed to do the work . . . how is that demeaning or a dead end?  Do you know what is demeaning?  What your partner is doing to you.  It sounds to me like he doesn't approve of you working, because you are upstaging him, and you are contributing, while he isn't.  Every hour you work is a stark reminder to your partner that he is not, and my guess is that deep down he feels shame and inferiority.  So what does he do?  He disses your work and insists you quit.  He drags you down to his low level, so that he feels better about himself, even if that makes you destitute and miserable in the process.  You see, misery doesn't like company--misery likes miserable company.

You mentioned a dead end.  The only dead end I see in your post is that of a supposed genius who can't stay in school and chooses not to work for at least seven years, and who is so unhappy about his life that he attacks you with violence, while condemning you to poverty and unstable housing, and infringing on your right to work if you want to.  Does your partner demean you?  Does he make you feel worthless?  My guess is if he's doing that, it's his misguided way of trying to make himself feel better.  The worse he feels, the worse he tries to make you feel--like a loser, responsible for all his problems, incompetent, unable to cope on your own.  And if that is happening, I'm really sorry.  He might be a master manipulator, trying to make you feel worthless.  But I assure you, you are not worthless, your life is worth fighting for.

I imagine you're here because you can't take this situation any longer, and you want some advice about what to do.  On these boards you'll read a lot about boundaries.  Boundaries are not about changing someone else's behavior, but rather about how YOU react.  That's because you can't "fix" your partner; only he can do that.  What you can do is change how you respond to him, to protect yourself.  One example might be, if he starts yelling at you, you leave the room.  Another example might be, if he threatens violence, you call 911.  Another example might be, you limit how much money you give him--and you would be perfectly justified in not giving him another dime.  You don't have to explain it (the more you explain, the more enraged he'll become, and the more he'll use crazy logic to get you to do his bidding), just stop giving him money.  If he threatens you or becomes violent, you call 911.