Any advice would help

[CG4ME]

So I have decided to leave my marriage.  A month ago I posted about my husband (undiagnosed NPD (Covert) putting his hands on me when I got angry with him about our daughter being emotionally abusive towards me and my eldest with BPD cutting me out of her life.  I went to him in deep despair looking for support and instead he started to gaslight me and made me feel like I am responsible for making the relationships better with the girls - so my feelings didn't matter. 

I have been trying to figure out my exit plan.  I have an adult daughter living with us who has a mild intellectual disability and I have to protect her.  She is not good with change and has her routines.  She is cabaple and old enough to decide who she wants to live with but he is no good for her.  He disrespects her boundaries and often frustrates her but she is very anxious and dependent on us.  She has never held a job and I am the only one that tries to encourage her to be more independent and learn skills but he doesn't initiate anything to help her grow and learn.  He just sits and watches television all day long so he becomes the go to when she doesn't want to do things that require her to take risks.

 I have been getting all my ducks in a row and I am waiting for an appointment with a lawyer which is being arranged for me by the Domestic Violence people.  I have an inheritance that I have protected from my husband but he still thinks we are going through with the original plans of earning interst income and putting it in our joint account.  I keep putting it off and telling him I can't decide how to invest it and need time to figure it out.  In the meantime I am looking for rental properties that can accommodate my daughter and I.  I am just struggling with my codependency issues and the narcissitic abuse effects I have been living with for over 30 years.  I find myself worrying about how he will react and how hurt he will be.  He is very controlling and possessive around money.  I told him we should move my TFSA into a better fund and he said "our TFSA" so I know I am in for a battle. 

I read a book on covert narcissism and it opened my eyes.  I always knew our relationship was unfulfilling but because of my past trauma (father was a controlling narcissist) I didn't see it.  Now I do with great clarity.  The manipulation tactics are now so obvious.  When I told him I needed to set boundaries in order to feel safe in the house he seemed at first to comply.  Now I notice he is acting like nothing ever happened.  I bought a lock for my bedroom door (we don't sleep in the same room) and he said he was so hurt that I was sneaking around and locking my door.  He dismissed the bruise he gave me and focused on the intent and not the impact of what he had done.  He actually said I refuse to believe I am an abuser.  I kept telling him it was not the first time.  He shook me in front of the kids when they were little and they were traumatized.  I stayed in the marriage for my children and because I had no income and felt so powerless.  Now my body is telling me no more.  Enough!!!
My therapist is helping with emdr to heal the trauma with my father so I can separate the past from the present and not project it onto my situation with my husband.  I can tell that my brain is so used to not putting myself first because I should be less worried about how this will hurt him and accept that him hurting me is the reason why I am leaving. 

He said something to me a week or so before he physically hurt me that also made me realize that he never had the capacity for empathy from the get go.  What I thought was maybe me being too much or him just being a guy was really his inability to empathize.  He said to me that his recent medical crisis put him in a position where he didn't feel like he was in control and that he had never experienced such extreme emotions because he likes staying in the "middle", no highs, no lows. He said every time you shared your feelings with me I never really understood them or related to them. It confirms everything I felt about our relationship.  I would always say to him we never feel like an us, it always feels like a me versus you.  Now I understand. 

I don't know how to tell him I want to separate.  He has already been triangulating with my two oldest daughters so I know he is going to make them believe something is wrong with me.  I have evidence of the bruise and texts admitting he was sorry.  How and when do I tell my daughter with MID?  She will be afraid and confused and I can't leave this house without her.  I am also afraid he is going to try delaying dealing with things and I will have to use my inheritance to buy my freedom.  In other words he is going to make me pay.  A part of me wants to negotiate with him but based on how he has dealt with this recent situation with his DARVO tactics I think he is only going to delay.  Actually I know he will because that's his MO. It's on his time not anybody elses.  He always used to say things like, I don't like your tone or delivery.  He doesn't like people telling him what to do.  I am so exhausted but I have to be strong and prepare as much as I can before I say anything to him. 

Any advice would be so appreciated.  I want to get on with my life and help my daughter improve hers.  We both deserve better.

Thanks in advance

[kells76]

Hi there CG4ME,

Sounds like you have a skilled and insightful therapist. That's really good to hear for your complex situation.

Is there a specific timeline or deadline that needs to happen for your separation process? I.e. do any parts need to happen at a certain time? If not, I wonder if there has to be any rush to tell your children.

Each situation is different, so I wonder if you could even tell your independent children after the fact.

In terms of your dependent daughter -- that is difficult. For her do you think it would work better to "ease into it" -- for example, you two take a little vacation together, then move into the new place immediately upon return? Or would she do better with a more direct move (current house directly to new place)?

With very young children you sometimes have to get creative, like "sending them to Grandma's for the week" while you move everything out. You know your D's capabilities best so you would know if something like that could help. Can she stay with a friend during the transition?

Finally, have you had a chance to read the book "Splitting" yet? Link here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

It's about best practices when divorcing a person with a PD. Could be worth reading and also showing to your support team.

So sorry it has come to this... just take one step at a time.

[ForeverDad]

I have an inheritance that I have protected from my husband but he still thinks we are going through with the original plans of earning interst income and putting it in our joint account.  I keep putting it off and telling him I can't decide how to invest it and need time to figure it out.

Your inheritance is NOT a marital asset - as long it is kept in a separate account in your name only and not commingled with joint or marital accounts.

Before moving a dime of it, wait until you have a lawyer to represent your interests and your interests only.  Follow your lawyer's advice.  Don't feel guilted.  It is your money after all.

If there is the least possibility that your marriage might fail or is failing, then you have to guard your options and resources carefully.  Beware of times you may feel fearful, overly obligated or guilty when pressured or manipulated to make choices with which you're not comfortable.

When dealing with relationships mired in BPD traits, we try to prepare our newer ones to be aware of BPD F.O.G. ... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

I don't know how to tell him I want to separate.

Don't fret about that.  It is generally best to get your legal "ducks in a row" first.  If you share your decision with your spouse too soon, it will only give him more opportunities to sabotage your decision.  Many here, knowing how tense it would be and even potentially trigger an "incident", decided to coordinate with the lawyer when to give notice or even have a process server handle the legal paperwork delivery.  Obviously, this means you also don't confess that you're seeking or have obtained a lawyer.  Sorry, but that's almost always for the best.  This is one of the times you need your personal rights to privacy and confidentiality.