I miss who she was

[andiloveher]

My long-distance s/o has bpd, they have always been very empathetic to others and sweet, and they have never yelled at me, been "mean", or ignored me. When the relationship began I didn't realize their BPD traits and halfway through most of our disagreements would end with me apologizing after multiple attempts to calm their crying, or them acknowledging my feelings could've also been hurt but with them feeling more upset than me. Recently they were diagnosed and since then I've been supportive but it's been downhill since they learned they had BPD.

I've bottled up my feelings as their fp, although sometimes I do crash down from it being too much, it isn't constant. When they realized I would bottle it up, they would say they felt guilty and useless, and I would try to reassure them to no avail. They said I could speak about my emotions freely and they'd help, so I gave it a try, but now, every time I even mention feeling down, they will go dry and seem upset themselves. They don't go mad when they're spiraling; instead, they feel guilty, as if I am dismissing them, even if I'm reassuring.

I miss the first few months with them, now we have been togueter for two years , back then they would comfort me and viseversa . I communicated about this and they simply said sorry, what should I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  This is such a tough road to walk and so many of us have been there as well. 

It might help you to understand what BPD actually is in layman terms.  While it is a major mental illness that can cause significant relationship problems, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.  Instead, it takes a different communication style and validation.

Think about a time you were really upset.  Maybe a loved one passed away, or you lost your job, or you had major financial problems.  The what doesn't matter....it's the feeling I want you to connect to.  In that moment, you felt absolutely helpless and you couldn't see a way forward.  Part of that was because everything was so "fresh" and your mind couldn't process it.  And in time, you found a way past that obstacle.

For someone with BPD, they feel that way every time they become dysregulated.  It doesn't take a major life event to bring up those types of feelings, and once they begin to feel that way they obsess over it.  In your past problem, logic and reasoning helped your mind think your way through it.  BPDs struggle though because they get so caught up in the emotional cycles feeling alone, depressed, helpless, etc.

Now let's talk about your specific relationship.  Long distance is hard- I did it for two years before marrying my wife in the Philippines.  So much is lost in communication over text and video calls; it's just not the same.

What's happening in your case could be that they are so worried you'll break up with them because of their mental illness, they're going into each conversation with a lot of fear and anxiety.  So their mental state is heightened before you even talk and while you're communicating, they're looking for "proof" that you're no longer committed.  Maybe you say something harmless or maybe they bring it up, and their mind starts spinning like they're in one of those major life events that we talked about a minute ago.  It fills them with fear, dread, etc as they wait for the relationship to fall apart.

On your side of this equation, you're picking up on the vibes and acting differently yourself, because you don't understand why they're off.  And this shift makes things so much harder for them because they're not thinking logically...they're reacting to their emotions in the moment and it's so overwhelming.  This causes the spirals you're experiencing now.

To break these patterns, it requires a different style of communication where she feels loved and appreciated.  You'll probably say, "But I tell her that all the time..." and I believe you; so much of this is counter-intuitive and there's a lot to learn.  This site and the fine folks that post here are a fantastic resource to help you improve your communication style to validate her and get the relationship back to where it should be.

I hope that helps- I know that's a lot to take in at once.  Please feel free to ask questions though and let us know what you need.