Breaks in a relationship

[chocobunches]

Hello, this is my first post.

I've been in a relationship with someone with BPD for a good while now. As of recently they have been going through a really hard episode right now. I believe they're splitting on themselves right now. They completely isolated themselves and have not spoken to a lot of people, including myself, during this time. They messaged me today explaining how they've been feeling with a lot of paranoia, hallucinations, and self harm. They are considering that we take a break or breakup because they're not able to hold a relationship right now and how they don't want to string me in with all of their issues as they feel guilty about it. I suggested that we take a break, and that I would focus on myself for the time being. I currently am in therapy while she is trying to seek out treatment.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice I can use during this time?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and please know that many of us have been right there with you.  It's so incredibly hard for everyone involved.

For your current situation, it does sound like splitting (or just disordered thinking in general) and it's a hallmark of BPD.  When those dark thoughts creep in, everything feels like doom and gloom without any path forward. 

It sounds like your partner sees this pattern clearly and is talking it out with you...that's a very good thing.  Continue talking, if possible, and keep the dialogue about their (and your) feelings.  Don't focus on the relationship at the moment because that may feel like a burden, a weight to carry when things are already heavy.  A break is fine if that's what they need.

How long have the two of you been together?  Is this the first time you've faced something like this in the relationship?  Talk that out a little bit so we can have more insight on the relationship dynamic.

Also, if feels like the two of you are younger...is that correct?  Sometimes BPD is more intense for those who are still maturing.

[chocobunches]

We've been together for almost 3-4 years now and we are both young adults. We did have an instance where we did break up a year in because I got really overwhelmed with personal stress with school, but we did end up rekindling and we got back together and it's very well ever since. We are long distance but we see each other every few months when possible.

There are other instances where they isolate themselves over a conflict we have and I tend to give them space and we talk it out. I also do research abt BPD in my spare time and we practice DBT skills a lot.

We've had some conflicts like minor misunderstandings, but we were able to set successful boundaries over that. Sometimes they isolate because of a conflict we have and I tend to give them space and eventually we talk it out after a couple of hours, but they did get better at opening up to me little by little about what bothered them/me or what made them/me upset.

We haven't had conflicts as of recent within the last few months, it's not a common occurrence for us, but I would say of recent there have been some of conflicts outside of our relationship like friendship conflict or family conflicts on their end. Majority of the time it's their friends ignoring the fact my partner has BPD. My partner has been open to me several times about how I've been the only one who's put in a genuine effort into learning about their BPD besides the professionals they've been to. Even people they've known since childhood don't bother to look into it either. What really is a pain for them is the attachment they have for those people. The attachment stems to trauma back from childhood.

This is the first time that they have been isolated from me for this amount of time. They also have a disorganized attachment style alongside this as well so that might play a big factor into this as well. I've been in contact with a family member of theirs and she's been aiding my partner to getting better treatment and more therapy.