Violently attacked by my pwbpd. relationship is over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m going through a breakup that’s been quite intense and I’d really value some outside perspective.

I was her a lot about a year ago after my first discard which nearly destroyed me. we got back together after 6 months apart. After we got back together I knew a whole lot more about bpd and in the second relationship I didn't feel fully safe emotionally.

At its best, it felt incredible. She had a side to her that was warm, affectionate, and genuinely beautiful. I felt deeply connected to her and I loved her a lot.

At the same time, there were ongoing issues. I often felt a lack of stability, there were emotional swings, and I didn’t always feel secure. Looking back, I can see I was quite affected by things that triggered me, especially around trust and communication, and I didn’t always handle those feelings well either.

Recently things escalated in a way I never expected. We had an argument that turned physical she hit me numerous times and done some real damage with her rings. I left immediately because I didn’t feel safe and also didn’t trust how things might escalate further. I had been drinking and made the bad decision to drive to get away, which resulted in me being arrested for drink driving. So now I’m dealing with that situation too.

She was arrested for assault and I didn't press charges if she agreed to move out immediately and never contact me again.

Since then, she has moved out and I’ve cut off contact, blocked her everywhere. I’m staying with my parents and trying to process everything.

Emotionally, I feel conflicted. I know the relationship wasn’t healthy and that the line was crossed in a way that can’t be ignored. I don’t want to go back.

But I’m also grieving the good side of her. That version felt very real to me, and I’m struggling with the fact that someone can be so loving in some moments and so destructive in others.

I’ve also been reflecting on myself and how my own reactions and past experiences may have played into the dynamic. It feels like two people with their own wounds trying to make something work that ultimately wasn’t stable.

On top of that, I’ve had thoughts about whether I’ll ever find a connection like that again, or whether I’ll be wanted in the same way. Logically I know that’s probably just how it feels right now, but it’s still there.

I’m not looking to get back with her. I think I’m clear that it’s not something that can work in a healthy way.

What I’m trying to understand is:

how to make sense of someone having such a loving side but also being capable of hurting you

how to let go of the “good version” without ignoring reality

why I still seem to care for her, hope she is ok and feel a strong urge to reach out.

how to move forward without carrying this into future relationships

Any perspective would really help.

[stevemcduck]

I’m going through a breakup that’s been quite intense and I’d really value some outside perspective.

I was her a lot about a year ago after my first discard which nearly destroyed me. we got back together after 6 months apart. After we got back together I knew a whole lot more about bpd and in the second relationship I didn't feel fully safe emotionally.

At its best, it felt incredible. She had a side to her that was warm, affectionate, and genuinely beautiful. I felt deeply connected to her and I loved her a lot.

At the same time, there were ongoing issues. I often felt a lack of stability, there were emotional swings, and I didn’t always feel secure. Looking back, I can see I was quite affected by things that triggered me, especially around trust and communication, and I didn’t always handle those feelings well either.

Recently things escalated in a way I never expected. We had an argument that turned physical she hit me numerous times and done some real damage with her rings. I left immediately because I didn’t feel safe and also didn’t trust how things might escalate further. I had been drinking and made the bad decision to drive to get away, which resulted in me being arrested for drink driving. So now I’m dealing with that situation too.

She was arrested for assault and I didn't press charges if she agreed to move out immediately and never contact me again.

Since then, she has moved out and I’ve cut off contact, blocked her everywhere. I’m staying with my parents and trying to process everything.

Emotionally, I feel conflicted. I know the relationship wasn’t healthy and that the line was crossed in a way that can’t be ignored. I don’t want to go back.

But I’m also grieving the good side of her. That version felt very real to me, and I’m struggling with the fact that someone can be so loving in some moments and so destructive in others.

I’ve also been reflecting on myself and how my own reactions and past experiences may have played into the dynamic. It feels like two people with their own wounds trying to make something work that ultimately wasn’t stable.

On top of that, I’ve had thoughts about whether I’ll ever find a connection like that again, or whether I’ll be wanted in the same way. Logically I know that’s probably just how it feels right now, but it’s still there.

I’m not looking to get back with her. I think I’m clear that it’s not something that can work in a healthy way.

What I’m trying to understand is:

how to make sense of someone having such a loving side but also being capable of hurting you

how to let go of the “good version” without ignoring reality

why I still seem to care for her, hope she is ok and feel a strong urge to reach out.

how to move forward without carrying this into future relationships

Any perspective would really help.

[wantmorepeace]

I think it is very hard to make sense of these simultaneous realities and I'm not sure that we really have to.  We need to be able to accept that two (or more) things can be true at once -- as dialectical behavior therapy teaches us -- but that's not the same as making sense of it.  If we can make sense of it (which I guess comes with understanding more about the disease), all the better, but acceptance (not being happy about it but just radically knowing it to be true) is the key.  Or so it seems to me. 

[stevemcduck]

yes this is the second time we broke up. im no where near as bad as I was the first time due to more understanding leading to a higher level of acceptance.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and all the escalations.  It's heartbreaking and even though it's a common story here, it still shocks me when others experience something like this. 

I used to get hit often early in my relationship and it stopped over time, but then my BPD ex started getting into fights with our BPD daughter.  I mean, literal fistfights rolling around on the floor.  I never knew what to make of it and somehow it felt sort of normal, that was just my life.  I look back years later though and think, "OMG, what was I doing?!?  How could I accept that!?!"

Where you're at right now, it's all still so fresh.  It stayed that way for me for at least six months, and the thoughts didn't fully go away for over a year.  Somehow, I still wanted "that relationship" where I was never prioritized and was often told off for the most minor things.  I just couldn't see how bad it truly was for a very long time.

For your main question, how can someone so loving also be so hateful and violent- that's the mental illness part and the instability of not thinking logically in trying circumstances.  For them, everything becomes emotional and they go to extremes in the blink of an eye...not because they want to, but because they're literally falling apart inside and trying to make sense of it themselves. 

It's truly sad and I wish there was a way that I could "fix" my ex or my daughter, but they'll struggle for life with those same issues.  Therapy can help, DBT can help, medicine can help, but at the crux of it all they must want to change.  Realizing the problem comes from within just happens to be their worst fear, so very few get the help they need and take steps to grow emotionally.

Moving forward is simple- you get through today, and tomorrow you figure out how to get through tomorrow.  That's all we can do because it's a process.  I don't think you have to forget the good or focus too much on the bad; your ex was all of those things and they were real.  Mental illness just got in the way and made things really complicated.