Should I contact her previous ex and her psy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello.

It's been 15 days since my ex broke up with me, once more and this time apparently forever. I am having a very hard time getting over it even if I know this is the best for my mental health. After a lot of research along the last six months, I have come to the clear conclusion that she is BPD, and quite probably NPD too.

We have been together for almost three years and our daughters are best friends since ages (we are divorced). Soon after we started dating, some things started to look weird, and to make it short, I bent myself over backwards along the three years to accommodate to her demands, mostly related to extreme jealousy, and I have ended up quite isolated, also at work (I am a teacher). I could tell you countless absurd exampled of her jealousy: colleagues, shop clerks, neighbours, students!! and even a female voice cheering in a video of my son's handball match (she assumed it was the voice of a mum I was "on" with). The examples are countless and absurd to anyone's eyes except hers. No.matter how much I tried to reassure her, it was totally useless, and I passed.evry other week from being the man of her life to a ________er who only made her suffer on purpose. I passed from hero to vilain continuously along this time.

The drop that spilled the glass was her demand to block and explicitly write to my distant 4th degree cousin in Miami (we live in Europe - Luxembourg, but not together) that I would not want to be ever again in my life in contact with her. My "fake cousin", as she calls her, happened to visit Madrid when I was there on a weekend - I am Spanish and my kids live in Madrid so I fly there every two weekends to be wirh them. We met around 15 minutes with my brother's family and my kids. I have never felt attracted for my "fake cousin" or anything of the kind, but my ex of course thinks differently and even assures that I told her once that I found her attractive (I never said this ever iny life). By the way, she was also sure that I felt attracted to my brother's ex wife once I showed her a picture. She was sure to know better about me than myself. Not only related to women but also about any other field, she always knew better than me (kids, work, money...)

I cut ties in the past with a lot of female friends (and even a couple of male friends) to calm her down and as a stupid way of proving my loyalty, but this time she went too far. I tried to explain to her how doing what she required as proof of loyalty made no sense and in addition it would create havoc in my family, and it would be in her worst interest in front of my parents, brother, aunts..., doing something like that to my cousin (who would actually flip out if she knew this, as some.work colleagues would flip out as well if I ever told them that mentioning a conversation with them or exchanging a text created chaos in my relationship). She slapped me (not first time), threatened me that she would call my parents herself (also not first time she threatened to do so) to tell them the kind of _____ person I am, asked me to say goodbye forever to her daughter (who is like a daughter to me and I have taken on holidays with my kids so many times) and leave her appartment. Luckily her daughter was not aware.

This all happened after spending the greatest 5 days with her in a kind of honey moon in the Netherlands and after planning next summer holidays together and with our respective kids. Totally unexpected out of nowhere. Or not exactly, because a innocent comment about greeting a female friend of a friend that I came across at my school sparked the fire some days before... Always any contact with women taken as a "public humiliation".

I know objectively I should run away. I felt ashamed to share some of these things with my brother and friends, even with my psy, but it was therapeutic opening up and having people who genuinely care for me that what I described was not only normal but psychologically abusive.

I know all this, but I can't help feeling like _____ after all the time, energy and love invested. She often told me she was never like this before, but she also told me some weird story about her previous relationship.

The idea of contacting her ex has crossed my mind so many times and now more than ever to try to understand if this was her pattern too in previous relationships, contrary to what she states.

I have also read that telling her about her probable BPD condition may result very negative, and I wonder if contacting her psy might be a good idea. I don't think she is aware at all about it because, seen from the outside, my ex seems the most beautiful, calm, balanced and fair person. Nobofy could believe what I have lived when just the two of us. The incredibly good and the incredibly bad. A horrible roller coaster that became more and more chaotic in time.

Thanks so much for reading and for your help. It helped putting all this in writing. I could hardly believe it if a friend told me, but all my research confirms.so neatly all her BDP traits.

Best regards

[Mastropiero]

Hello.

It's been 15 days since my ex broke up with me, once more and this time apparently forever. I am having a very hard time getting over it even if I know this is the best for my mental health. After a lot of research along the last six months, I have come to the clear conclusion that she is BPD, and quite probably NPD too.

We have been together for almost three years and our daughters are best friends since ages (we are divorced). Soon after we started dating, some things started to look weird, and to make it short, I bent myself over backwards along the three years to accommodate to her demands, mostly related to extreme jealousy, and I have ended up quite isolated, also at work (I am a teacher). I could tell you countless absurd exampled of her jealousy: colleagues, shop clerks, neighbours, students!! and even a female voice cheering in a video of my son's handball match (she assumed it was the voice of a mum I was "on" with). The examples are countless and absurd to anyone's eyes except hers. No.matter how much I tried to reassure her, it was totally useless, and I passed.evry other week from being the man of her life to a ________er who only made her suffer on purpose. I passed from hero to vilain continuously along this time.

The drop that spilled the glass was her demand to block and explicitly write to my distant 4th degree cousin in Miami (we live in Europe - Luxembourg, but not together) that I would not want to be ever again in my life in contact with her. My "fake cousin", as she calls her, happened to visit Madrid when I was there on a weekend - I am Spanish and my kids live in Madrid so I fly there every two weekends to be wirh them. We met around 15 minutes with my brother's family and my kids. I have never felt attracted for my "fake cousin" or anything of the kind, but my ex of course thinks differently and even assures that I told her once that I found her attractive (I never said this ever iny life). By the way, she was also sure that I felt attracted to my brother's ex wife once I showed her a picture. She was sure to know better about me than myself. Not only related to women but also about any other field, she always knew better than me (kids, work, money...)

I cut ties in the past with a lot of female friends (and even a couple of male friends) to calm her down and as a stupid way of proving my loyalty, but this time she went too far. I tried to explain to her how doing what she required as proof of loyalty made no sense and in addition it would create havoc in my family, and it would be in her worst interest in front of my parents, brother, aunts..., doing something like that to my cousin (who would actually flip out if she knew this, as some.work colleagues would flip out as well if I ever told them that mentioning a conversation with them or exchanging a text created chaos in my relationship). She slapped me (not first time), threatened me that she would call my parents herself (also not first time she threatened to do so) to tell them the kind of _____ person I am, asked me to say goodbye forever to her daughter (who is like a daughter to me and I have taken on holidays with my kids so many times) and leave her appartment. Luckily her daughter was not aware.

This all happened after spending the greatest 5 days with her in a kind of honey moon in the Netherlands and after planning next summer holidays together and with our respective kids. Totally unexpected out of nowhere. Or not exactly, because a innocent comment about greeting a female friend of a friend that I came across at my school sparked the fire some days before... Always any contact with women taken as a "public humiliation".

I know objectively I should run away. I felt ashamed to share some of these things with my brother and friends, even with my psy, but it was therapeutic opening up and having people who genuinely care for me that what I described was not only normal but psychologically abusive.

I know all this, but I can't help feeling like _____ after all the time, energy and love invested. She often told me she was never like this before, but she also told me some weird story about her previous relationship.

The idea of contacting her ex has crossed my mind so many times and now more than ever to try to understand if this was her pattern too in previous relationships, contrary to what she states.

I have also read that telling her about her probable BPD condition may result very negative, and I wonder if contacting her psy might be a good idea. I don't think she is aware at all about it because, seen from the outside, my ex seems the most beautiful, calm, balanced and fair person. Nobofy could believe what I have lived when just the two of us. The incredibly good and the incredibly bad. A horrible roller coaster that became more and more chaotic in time.

Thanks so much for reading and for your help. It helped putting all this in writing. I could hardly believe it if a friend told me, but all my research confirms.so neatly all her BDP traits.

Best regards

[TelHill]

I'm sorry for all you've gone through with your ex. Her splitting and isolating you from family and  friends is exhausting and abusive.

About contacting her therapist and her ex, you should be clear about why you are doing this. Is it for closure of the relationship for you? pwBPD discard partners abruptly and without explanation.A relationship with a pwBPD causes trauma and PTSD. It's more painful and confusing than a breakup with a normal person. 
 
 I can understand why you'd want to pursue this but is it helpful for you? Healing begins when you have your own support and go no contact or strictly limit contact.

Contacting others about your ex keeps you tied to this person, thinking about them, ruminating on the relationship. It can lead to re-establishing contact with them and maybe returning to the relationship with the usual push and pull, splitting, chaotic behavior, and out-of-the-blue outbursts. 

I'm guessing her ex is certainly aware that she is difficult though he might not be aware of BPD. Her therapist may may not know though.

My uBPD ex was seeing a psychiatrist. He was not aware of my ex-h's personality disorder and violent behavior when I told him and showed him an arrest record. My ex was very good at appearing calm, friendly and reasonable. The psychiatrist immediately dropped him as a client. That gave me the sense he completely fooled the doctor.

Your ex's therapist may be unaware of her problems. You may not be believed and it may come back to haunt you if her therapist tells her. They are not supposed to but you never know.  Things slip out. Telling them seems like touching a hornet's nest.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and so many of us here have pretty much the same story.  It's so heartbreaking.  I a very glad you found us though!

Question- how would you contact the ex?  And what would you hope to achieve?  It's good to have some sort of plan before just winging it.

For the psychiatrist, you may have the best of intentions in wanting to reach out, but they will not talk to you about your ex and they probably won't listen either.  Their loyalty is to her and protecting her privacy, so that conversation wouldn't go the way you'd expect it to.  And just because nobody has mentioned a diagnosis, doesn't mean that they're completely in the dark.  There are telltale signs of mental illness and I'm sure they're picking up on it.

My bigger question is how you're doing, how you're coping, etc.  It's such an incredibly hard situation and I hope you're keeping your mind busy with other things.  In time, this feeling will pass, so try not to focus too much on the "right now".  I promise it's temporary and part of the healing process.

[SinisterComplex]

I understand the hurt and somewhere in your mind you think it is the "right" thing to do to contact her ex and psych. Do not under any circumstances do anything of the sort. First, it will not turn out as you hope in your mind. Second, it could backfire on you and bring you more undue stress. This is a zero sum game where there is no upside or ceiling and it is just all floor and downside.

Your focus should strictly be on yourself and healing. Anyone with allegiance to your now ex will not be in a position to help you. Reach out here or reach out to those you trust. You want people on your side that will support you and not have any potential conflict.

I know it may not feel like it now, but you are going to survive and you are going to get through this. We are here for you.

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Mastropiero]

Thanks so much for your replies, this is all so hard and nothing makes sense.

[Pook075]

Thanks so much for your replies, this is all so hard and nothing makes sense.

Like we said, talk it out a little more and let the community help.  BPD (and mental illness in general) is counter-intuitive so we often do things that feel natural, expecting it to help, yet somehow it makes things worse.

Why?  Because BPDs rely so much on their feelings...they feel everything and it defines them.  They don't have average days very often.  When they're happy, it's the best day ever!  When they're sad, their entire world is ending.  And because everything is tied to emotion, they can go from one end of the spectrum to another very quickly.

Your interactions with your daughter, they're a learned behavior.  When she's upset, she lashes out.  And when you show kindness in those moments, her mind sees it as proof that you're trying to compensate for not being an ideal parent.  So the mental illness convinces her that the problems in her life are your fault, for the way you raised her and the things that happen, because that's the only thing that makes sense to her.

Over time, these momentary lapses in bad moments become something more.  They become a way to intimidate and get what she wants, which only deepens the hold mental illness has on her.  So she manipulates, she rages, and she blames everything close to her for what's going on instead of accepting the true reality- she's mentally ill.

It's oaky to be mentally ill, but it's not okay to hurt others while attempting to make yourself feel better.  That's the fine line you must help her see.  The entitlement she feels is a learned behavior and it's not your fault.  We all got it so, so wrong because we didn't understand mental illness or BPD.  That's why this community is so helpful.

So please, talk some of this out.  Let the community help.

[Mastropiero]

Thanks once more.

Actually it is about my uBPD ex-partner, not about my daugther.

I was not strong enough and contacted her to try to talk things out and try to make her see how some of her behaviours and reactions are, let´say not normal, without mentioning BPD at all, but she refuses to speak with me. It is like a nighthmare. One month ago I took her daughter on holidays with mny kids, and treated her as my own daughter of course, and she is not easy at all to handle. One week later me and my uBPD ex made a lovely trip to the Netherlands that was like a honeymoon. We did not live together but I spent all my free time at their place, and then went home to sleep, just across the street. And now I am like a total stranger and have no access to them, although she says that when my kids come visit from Spain we can hang out as usual. Nothing makes sense to me.

Btw, I actually think her traits are not only BPD but also NPD, especially because she would never seem to be aware of her bad behaviour, never ask for any apologies when she would do something clearly wrong and show no empathy at all in very complicated moments for me, like no compassion and a revengeful or cruel character at times, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide.

I am trying to do a lot of sport, I walk long distances and I am trying to get back to frienships that I got away from just to accomodate to her. It is very painful seeing everything from some distance now, but it is also very painful going through the beautiful moments together and with our kids as ifi those moments were just a dream. I dreamed of rebuilding a family with her and our kids because when it is the five of us it is just perfect. I have the feeling that the moment I interact with anybody else, especially females but also males, then problems start. It was as if she want me just for her and I could not relate to anybody else. Sometimes, when I had plans for lunch or any other thing wit any friend, which happened very seldom, she would turn ill or find a way to make me feel guilty for not cancelling and be with her, which I ended up doing. Even once she made me not go to work because she was sad that a tree in her condo garden was cut out, she made a huge scene when I told her I would go to work when she asked, and I ended up staying with her. I never told this to anybody before, it is surreal but at the momentm the fear of losing her made me accept thing like this and much worse, like physical abuse (slapping, throwing water and hot tea over me, kicking...)

I know best thing for my mental health is to get away, but the dependance became huge because I let myself be isolated from the "normal" world.

Thanks for reading. Letting this out helps.

[Under The Bridge]

We can sympathise totally with what you're going through, BPD always runs to a very predictable script. almost like the sufferer has loaded a computer program into their head and is following its instructions.

There would be little point in contacting her ex; at most, you would just get confirmation that they had been treated the same as you. My ex-BPD played the 'previous guys never trested me right' routine which I fell for at the start but I eventually realised that it was her who treated them badly. I'm quite sure if I had contacted any of her previous partners I'd have heard identical stories to my own.

If she finds out you contacted her ex that will definitely upset her and you'll then be accused of 'plotting against her' or something like that. Remember that BPD's always see themselves as the victim.

Also, by contacting him it might bring him back into the scene where she can use him to cause jealousy.  Far better to let sleeping dogs lie, things are complicated enough without ex's getting involved.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I agree with the other posters, do not contact her ex, and do not contact her psychologist.  If you pwBPD finds out, she will use it against you.  The plan will backfire in my opinion.

Look, though your intentions might be in the right place, you can't help your disordered partner unless she wants to get help for herself and take her therapy seriously.  La pelota esta en su tejado.

In the meantime, I'd advise you not to change yourself for your partner, in the sense that you shouldn't become alienated from your family in friends just to please her.  Why?  Because no matter what you do, she won't be pleased, and she'll always find something to be upset about, as that is classic BPD.  I'm not advocating that you go off and have an affair to spite her; what I'm saying is that you shouldn't isolate yourself in the vain attempt to make your partner happy.  In the long run, you'll regret missing out on your life.  If she has a meltdown when you visit family in Madrid, I'd say, let her have her meltdown, but not in front of your kids.  What I'd recommend is to give her an "adult time out."  That's shorthand for giving her time and space to cool off.

Saludos cordiales.

[Mastropiero]

Hi again,

Thanks for being there. I discarded the idea of contacting her ex...

I happened to come across her one hour ago and had a brief conversation with her. Well, actually I could not place many words and came back to square one. If I do not call myto ma "fake cousin" in Miami in front of her and tell her I do not want to have ever contact with her again, she will never again be in contact with me. If I do it, then we can get back together and have a "clean start". I said no, I will not call her and say this, but if you want we can call her right now and clarify anything you need. But no, it is either her way or the highway. She spiraled totally again as usual, while I was totally calm trying to stop the spiraling... A mess. I am even considering calling my cousin, explain the situation to her and then tell my ex that I will do what she wants if in return she accepts starting couple therapy... I know, probably I am spiraling now myself in my thoughts...

Thanks for being there, your replies help to put some order and common sense.

[Pook075]

Hi again,

Thanks for being there. I discarded the idea of contacting her ex...

I happened to come across her one hour ago and had a brief conversation with her. Well, actually I could not place many words and came back to square one. If I do not call myto ma "fake cousin" in Miami in front of her and tell her I do not want to have ever contact with her again, she will never again be in contact with me. If I do it, then we can get back together and have a "clean start". I said no, I will not call her and say this, but if you want we can call her right now and clarify anything you need. But no, it is either her way or the highway. She spiraled totally again as usual, while I was totally calm trying to stop the spiraling... A mess. I am even considering calling my cousin, explain the situation to her and then tell my ex that I will do what she wants if in return she accepts starting couple therapy... I know, probably I am spiraling now myself in my thoughts...

Thanks for being there, your replies help to put some order and common sense.

I'm not sure if bringing your cousin into this would be helpful long-term; it really depends on your relationship.  I can tell you what the cousin would say though- why would you want to date someone like that!?!?

If you do decide to make a group call to your cousin, you absolutely must tell her beforehand.  Do not put her on the spot with a jealous ex that's bad-mouthing what she thinks is her competition. 

But there's also the other side to this- if you tell your cousin, relatives will find out.  They will be quick to judge and slow to forgive your involvement with someone like that.  They will not understand AT ALL why you'd put your cousin in that kind of situation (or choose your ex over your cousin, who's done nothing wrong).

Recommending couples therapy is a wise choice though and maybe it could help.  But she also has to be willing and serious about working through the problems.  Many here share that therapy was just a blaming match where nothing productive happened.

[Mastropiero]

Thanks again.

Yes, I would prevent my cousin first. I know she would understand and "help", but I am again betraying myself and as you say, I am not confident my ex would take any therapy in a serious way because she thinks she is totally right and is not willing to listen any of my concerns about her reactions and behaviour.

Before she left almost running me over with her car I asked her: "who will be the next person that I will have to block?" It seems this would be neverending. My parents and my brother already know what is going on and they could not believe what they heard about my cousin across the ocean in Miami. If my cousin knew she would flip out.

[CC43]

Hi again,

The situation you describe is a fairly common one on these boards, because pwBPD often try to coerce their partners into cutting off contact with important people.  The coersion might be based on false, imagined accusations of infidelity, and it might be a way to "test" your devotion and commitment, especially when she's feeling insecure.  The demands might start out small, such as forbidding you to go to parties, or maybe asking you to block certain people on social media.  Then her demands might escalate, when she throws a tantrum if you dare to have a normal conversation with a female, such as a co-worker, neighbor or service personnel.  Finally, the pwBPD can attmpt to cut you off from supposedly "toxic" family members.

In my opinion, isolating you from your own family is a red line.   Demanding that you call your family and say you'll never talk to them again for no logical reason is not only ridiculous, but abusive.  If I were in your shoes, I'd not accept that, no matter what the pwBPD did.  She's being cruel, abusive and manipulative.  If you tolerate that, it will only get worse in my opinion.

[Mastropiero]

Thanks so much.

Your words resonate incredibly because you described so accurately how the situation developed along the last 3 three years: first "small" things like not talking to me because I liked a friend´s profile pic on FB (I ended up signing off from FB and Instagram), then escalating to not liking me going to school events and imagining (and accussing me!!) that when at school I am just flirting with every woman or mother I cross, so I ended up not mentioning anything about school, no matter what. Of course my previous partners were blocked and then some friendships too, even two male friends. I betrayed myself doing that I felt and feel ashamed that I did it as a stupid absurd way of proving loyalty to her. Big mistake.

This is the first time I have said NO to her demands because family is a red line and I know this is a snowball that never ends, but for her it is total disrespect and a public humiliation that I put my "fake cousin" first.

Thanks again, it helps reading your comments as objective spectators of the situation. From the inside it is all so absurd and painful.