Chronic Guilt

[Innerpeace2026]

Hello!
I have had to deal with growing up in a highly dysfunctional family with a borderline mother at the helm and 2 mentally ill sisters, one is borderline. My father enabled my mother's behavior; he was too fearful to stand up to her and therefore didn't protect us from her emotional and physical abuse. I fell into the role of the family regulator/fixer/pleaser. I am the oldest and strongest and I have been in therapy for most of my life starting in college which helped to give me the strength to only recently set strong boundaries with my mother and sisters, resulting in a very low contact situation now which is minimal texting with them. I also sent them all letters stating I love them but will not participate in unhealthy family dynamics or hurtful behavior towards me. The breaking point was my father's death 8 years ago which unveiled the mental dysfunction of my mother and one sister. I was left to handle my father's estate, the selling of his home and the funeral alone. My husband almost died in surgery a month later. Completely alone without any support from my mom or sisters, complete silence.... This silence woke me up and uncovered the truth of my family. I continue to hold my boundaries through their tricks, and schemes to get me back into the role of the family regulator and golden child. I am now the scapegoat which is very uncomfortable but tolerable because I now value my own mental health and my family I have created as the main priority over meeting my mother's and sister's needs. But as my mother ages I worry about her death, how my sisters will lash out at me and blame me for hurting her and how I will feel after she dies? Will I have guilt and regret? I invited my mom to a therapy session but afterwards she told me we just need to put the past behind us and didn't ask to continue. I also stated that I am willing to go to family therapy, but she hasn't followed through. I already have chronic guilt that ebbs and flows. I now understand the guilt is because of my conditioning to please my mother and sisters at my expense, which started as a very young child. The boundaries I have set have allowed me to feel calmer and more grounded in my life than I ever have in my life. My life is very peaceful and happy as I focus on my husband, children, a small group of healthy friends I have in my life and my career. However, I feel very alone and guilty at times and struggle to feel validated in a world that doesn't understand the complexities of my experience. The choice I have made is to turn away from my family of origin to be healthy, but the cost is the chronic guilt, which can feel like a high price to pay at times, causing me to rethink my choices and consider reaching out to contact my mom and ask if we can work things out..... any thoughts or guidance is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Notwendy]

You aren't alone here. There are several of us with similar stories. My BPD mother has passed away. My father, who also enabled her, passed away several years before her. I also was expected to be the strong one, his- co-enabler.

Dad's passing was difficult- I know it was for you too. It's a huge loss. Our extended families lack the capability to be of emotional support during this situation.

In addition to counseling- I also did this since college, I found ACA groups and CODA groups helped me to let go of some of the feelings of being responsible for our disordered family members. However, this gets complicated when a disordered parent is elderly, because, elderly people can be dependent on others. The line between when to help and when to have boundaries is not always clear.

You aren't alone with this. I think we try to balance boundaries, our own emotional well being, while also feeling the obligation to help an aging parent. My best description of this is like walking a tightrope- sometimes it's a balance, we sometimes wobble, fall to one side or the other. All we can do is the best we can. It's imperfect. Guilt is a part of that, but FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt- is also part of the roles in family dysfunction.

I have posted this article. It may not be the exact situation but the emotions are similar.

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

Some of the guilt may also be grief. Grief that this isn't the kind of relationship we wish we had.

First of all- you are not required to sacrifice or jeapordize you or your own family's well being for your mother's situation. On the other hand, if you wish to do something in support, then that is your choice too.

Are you in the US? It helped me to meet with an elder law attorney to learn the resources, such as what Medicare covers, Medicaid, power of attorney if you wish to pursue this or not- there are pros and cons to that. If no one wishes to take this role, the state can appoint a guardian in the event your mother isn't self directed.

Depending on your mother's financial situation, or mental state- she may be eligible for some kind of services like Medicaid that may help cover needs like nursing home care or some home health care if needed. It helps to be informed, even if these resources aren't needed or used, but to be able to have an idea of what is available or not.

It may be that you don't need to consult an attorney and take on that cost. In the US there are organizations like the Council on Aging that have volunteers who can meet with you and explain what is available and who qualifies.

Although my mother had BPD, she remained legally competent and self directed, so she made her own decisions. She did not qualify for some resources but it helped to know what was available for her.

You still can make whatever choices you wish, but I found it helpful to learn what was available. Keep posting here- and there are others who can also add their advice.

[Innerpeace2026]

Thank you very much for your reply and kind supportive words. It is helpful to know that I am not alone. I appreciate your ideas and article.  I will take a look. Have a great day.

[zachira]

You are not alone. So many of the feelings and concerns you have are ones which many of us on this site can identify with.

My mother with BPD is deceased and I am one of many scapegoats from several generations in my family of origin and large extended family. I wanted to help my mother in her later years and could not because of how my siblings were abusing both her and me. I do not feel guilty just sad. I am currently no contact with my sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and shunned by most of the family for refusing to continue in the scapegoat role.

It is so hard with your mother still alive. You want to help her yet self care as you are doing has to be the first priority. Know that your feelings are normal and it just feels overwhelming at times to realize how awful the family dynamics are and how little power you have to change the way your disordered family members behave while sabotaging the well being of themselves and the people around them. How do you handle the periods of distress? We can lessen how badly these times affect us in their intensity and duration however having a mother with BPD and disordered siblings are life long sorrows. Do allot times to grieve these losses so you feel less overwhelmed in unexpected moments.