Anyone Friends First with SO?

[Healthy88]

Hi All,

Just read pwBPD can not be friends with you upon exiting an intense relationship from one of the books I am reading. I am not sure they are capable of being friends at all, however. Did anyone feel they experienced a true friendship in the beginning of their r/s. I don't believe I did looking back, nor felt it was there during our marriage. I was hoping we could work on that now, but am wondering if it simply is not possible with them.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I would consider myself more friends/housemates with my BPDw than actually "in love". We do work well together in terms of running the home together, raising kids, respecting each other - but getting intimate starts the rollercoaster... .

[Healthy88]

I am so jealous! I would gladly give up intimacy if I could have a well run, peaceful household. Working well together and being friends sounds heavenly right about now! You may not have it all, but it sounds like you have a lot more than most.

[ArleighBurke]

Yes I am thankful for what I have. She is high functioning and doesn't display a lot of the crazy on this site (sometimes I question if she actually has BPD - but I am here because the BPD techniques work with her).

Our friendship does make life easier - but it often feels empty. Lack of conflict makes it hard to decide to leave, but lack of a soulmate makes it hard to decide to stay... .

[AustenJ]

After it ended, I think it's natural to think about what ifs... .I have thought what if we had just been friends instead of getting immediately intimate... .I don't think my exBPDgf is capable of forming friendships with men... .she must control them with sex in order to put them into her comfort zone... .she is a millennial so she maintains friendships with guys she has screwed within that group... .I was her record exception to her typical lay in that I'm almost 30 years her senior.

I guess I'm old school and refuse to have any contact with her as friends or otherwise. Men are used to fill her and fill her unquenchable emptiness... .so she's not looking for male friendships... .those hold no interest for her... .we men serve a specific purpose for her-- to be used and discarded

[kahlersj]

My BPDgf is high functioning. We've been friends since 6th grade, and didn't start a romantic relationship until 45 yo. She's been through a couple of horribly failed relationships, and one was abusive.  I wasn't aware of BPD and she is undiagnosed, but I'm 99.9% certain. 

[Duped 1]

My exgf is not friends with guys. She is only looking for the "one" and doesn't see a need to interact with men otherwise unless absolutely necessary. She even told me she was looking for "the one" as we were breaking up at one point-classy huh? Well I used to be "the one" and "the one" after me only lasted 3 mos. He must not have been as tolerant of her abuse as I was LOL. She is single now but it will be short lived. I think the only reason she is taking a break at all is so she doesn't look like such an unstable wh**e to her family.

[AustenJ]

my expbdgf always talked of moving home to be close to her family, but in reality I doubt she will ever do this because then they will know what a wh*re she really is and how unstable she is... .she tries to only see them once or twice a year and they are only 3 hours away

[JoeBPD81]

I was friends first with my GF, she was in a complete functional phase. We fall in love pretty quick, though. We hurt each other a lot, so I understand people don't find the strength to be friends after a relationship. I can see myself being her friend, because already intimacy is so rare, and not to face that would be nice. But I couldn't have another relationship while being friends with her.  I'm mad about her and I don't see myself having interest in another woman.

I see she's a good friend to others, men and women. But she can't take care of them, she has a lot on her plate, and being anorexic, she is scared about meeting over food or even drinks. She's a great mother, and that doesn't let her have time even for herself, let alone a social life. Not many friends are loyal and patient to withstand this.

I wish I had a tip, I just tell you my experience, it seemed to me like an important concern.