My borderline adult daughter has worn me out.

[Pook075]

Today my estranged daughter came and picked up the rest of her belongings. It’s exactly three months and 19 days since she first left. Today makes two weeks that my mother died. I lost my mother,  a young woman who I thought was my daughter and my grandchild all in under three and a half months. To say I am depressed is an understatement. I don’t know how to remake my life from here.

I am so sorry.  I've walked the same road with a BPD kid and grandkids being cut out of my life.  Luckily in my case, if was my non-BPD daughter (with the grandkids) that I had a falling out with for a time and we were able to mend that.  It was all over things the BPDs in my life said though, so I definitely understand.  It's a gut-punch.

The way you remake your life though is simple- you get busy living.  That means fall into old and new hobbies.  That means spend quality time with friends and family.  That means get moving, regardless of what you're doing, so you're not sitting around feeling hurt and broken.

For awhile, you'll have to 'fake it till you make it'.  I've been there and didn't know if I'd survive it.  But time does heal all and this too will lose its sting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

This is much more than anybody should have to handle. If the only way you can engage with life is to write about your despair, then please do that.  We are always here. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Those steps will become bigger with time.

[Foolingmyself]

I am so sorry.  I've walked the same road with a BPD kid and grandkids being cut out of my life.  Luckily in my case, if was my non-BPD daughter (with the grandkids) that I had a falling out with for a time and we were able to mend that.  It was all over things the BPDs in my life said though, so I definitely understand.  It's a gut-punch.

The way you remake your life though is simple- you get busy living.  That means fall into old and new hobbies.  That means spend quality time with friends and family.  That means get moving, regardless of what you're doing, so you're not sitting around feeling hurt and broken.

For awhile, you'll have to 'fake it till you make it'.  I've been there and didn't know if I'd survive it.  But time does heal all and this too will lose its sting.

I kept thinking this morning about the phrase “I am reclaiming my time.” I know this is what I have to do and I am working at it. Each day is getting a bit easier in terms of the immediate shock loss of my own mother. I have stopped the intense crying phase and I am putting myself back together. Thanks for the support.

[Foolingmyself]

This is much more than anybody should have to handle. If the only way you can engage with life is to write about your despair, then please do that.  We are always here. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Those steps will become bigger with time.

Thank you. I am structuring my weeks with activities so that I don’t have idle time to ruminate over things. It’s helping.

[Pook075]

I kept thinking this morning about the phrase “I am reclaiming my time.” I know this is what I have to do and I am working at it. Each day is getting a bit easier in terms of the immediate shock loss of my own mother. I have stopped the intense crying phase and I am putting myself back together. Thanks for the support.

For me, it steadily got easier as I realized what I could control and what I couldn't.

I could attempt to fix the broken relationships with the BPDs in my life, but only to a certain level.  I apologized for hurting their feelings and I told them that I loved them and want what's best for them.  But then, I had to back off and allow time to deal with everything else.  I couldn't fix what someone else broke within themselves.

As time passed though, I realized that what I could actually fix was right in front of me.  My daily habits, my nutrition, my routines and hobbies and inner circles.  I was 100% in control there.  If I had a tough day, I got in the car and drove...to anywhere.  I'd just get out and explore the world while letting my mind steady itself. 

In time, I started volunteering locally, which was fantastic because I was focused on other people's struggles instead of my own.  That in itself brought healing and put the world into perspective.  I also joined a local gym, I adopted a dog, and I started back with some old hobbies to pass the time. 

But before I knew it, with all the new life goals and activities, I was actually waking up happy.  My life had purpose and direction.  I was making new friends while also realizing which of my old relationships were healthy or toxic.  And my perspective changed even more because for the first time in decades, I was 100% in control of my own life and making decisions based on what was best for me.

I look back at where I was 4 years ago and I barely recognize that person anymore.  He was trapped in broken relationships, hopeless debt, and a very unhealthy lifestyle while always trying to please the wrong types of people.  I put myself last in almost every circumstance and I was lonely, depressed, and just barely getting by....even with my "family" all around me. 

I said all of that to share that you'll get there too.  How long it takes depends more on you than anything though.  How long until you accept what you can actually control and what you need to let go of?  It's certainly not easy, I completely understand.  It is lifechanging though!

[Foolingmyself]

I have been practicing self care and that is helpful. Recently, I became aware of Facebook posts in which she described me as narcissistic, said I only pretended to want to be her mother, and portrayed me as abandoning her. She also praised other relatives for providing love and support.

My mother died on September 22, so this is happening during a very fresh period of grief. She was my closest confidante and always listened. Losing that support while dealing with this conflict has been especially difficult. The timing of her social media posts is really hurtful but I am doing my best to stay positive.

For me, it steadily got easier as I realized what I could control and what I couldn't.

I could attempt to fix the broken relationships with the BPDs in my life, but only to a certain level.  I apologized for hurting their feelings and I told them that I loved them and want what's best for them.  But then, I had to back off and allow time to deal with everything else.  I couldn't fix what someone else broke within themselves.

As time passed though, I realized that what I could actually fix was right in front of me.  My daily habits, my nutrition, my routines and hobbies and inner circles.  I was 100% in control there.  If I had a tough day, I got in the car and drove...to anywhere.  I'd just get out and explore the world while letting my mind steady itself. 

In time, I started volunteering locally, which was fantastic because I was focused on other people's struggles instead of my own.  That in itself brought healing and put the world into perspective.  I also joined a local gym, I adopted a dog, and I started back with some old hobbies to pass the time. 

But before I knew it, with all the new life goals and activities, I was actually waking up happy.  My life had purpose and direction.  I was making new friends while also realizing which of my old relationships were healthy or toxic.  And my perspective changed even more because for the first time in decades, I was 100% in control of my own life and making decisions based on what was best for me.

I look back at where I was 4 years ago and I barely recognize that person anymore.  He was trapped in broken relationships, hopeless debt, and a very unhealthy lifestyle while always trying to please the wrong types of people.  I put myself last in almost every circumstance and I was lonely, depressed, and just barely getting by....even with my "family" all around me. 

I said all of that to share that you'll get there too.  How long it takes depends more on you than anything though.  How long until you accept what you can actually control and what you need to let go of?  It's certainly not easy, I completely understand.  It is lifechanging though!

[Pook075]

I have been practicing self care and that is helpful. Recently, I became aware of Facebook posts in which she described me as narcissistic, said I only pretended to want to be her mother, and portrayed me as abandoning her. She also praised other relatives for providing love and support.

I went through that as well recently.  On Father's Day, my BPD daughter wrote a long post about how her father is always there for her and such a wonderful human.  She was posting about my BPD ex-wife's new husband though, not me. 

At first, it did cut like a knife.  But as I processed it from her perspective, I'm not active in her life (mostly by choice and distance, I live far away).  Yet when I visited recently, she reached out and came to see me often.  That reminded me that what she thinks in the moment is based on her feelings in the moment- she didn't post about her step-dad to hurt me.  It's just how her brain works at times and her honest opinion right then.

I've had my BPD kid call me a dead-beat dad and all sorts of things.  But I know the truth and so does everyone else in my family.  That's just one of those things I have zero control over and I let it go.