Spiralling towards the end

[round_square]

How do you know when you are nearing the end? Once trust is broken and there is betrayal from so many lies and so much deceit, is there any way to restore trust? Is there any going back?

My partner is in therapy and I think there has been a breakthrough, but I am not sure I can ever look at them the same after my trust has been betrayed and after the things I have found out. I worry they are too empty inside and that I will always feel their hollowness. We have been together a long time and have 3 kids together, but things that have come to light have changed the way I see them.

Can anyone share at what point they knew they had had enough and there was no going backwards? Can love be restored when the pain that has been caused runs so deep?

[ForeverDad]

How did I know I was nearing the end?  I've often mentioned my marriage imploded but it was on that path, increasingly so, ever since we had a child.  It was like watching a slow motion train crash, one I couldn't stop but had to watch unfold to the end.

The first years of my marriage were wonderful but increasingly my spouse was having incidents with her friends and co-workers.  We were religious volunteers but with her full agreement we left and moved elsewhere.  She didn't leave her issues behind.  Even decade into our marriage, she still was dissatisfied.  I thought if we had a child she would find joy in a new life.  Instead she pulled away.  I look back and believe becoming a father changed her view of me and she no longer perceived me as just a husband.  (Her stepfather was her childhood nemesis.)

The increased disparagement, belittlement and threats were devastating.  In those final months I foresaw a disaster looming but I couldn't reach her.  She refused counseling.  Then one day I called the police.  With legal consequences pending, we separated.  She blamed me for it, at the court she wouldn't even look at me and when I prompted her lawyer to ask her if she was willing to reconcile, she refused.  That's when I finally Accepted our marriage was over.

Since we had a preschooler, custody and parenting issues took years to resolve.

In some ways it was a relief to have separate homes as a buffer between us but in other ways I never quite recovered from those final years of mostly verbal abuse.  There was only one path left.  It wasn't my preferred choice but it was the reality I faced and never looked back.