Insight with historical quotes

[ForeverDad]

I read nearly very day and I came across these two quotes and it occurred to me there is some truth in them in regards to BPD traits:

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder
• Familiarity breeds contempt

Many here have separated and then after a period of time noticed the conflict seemed to be less or even gone, the ex seemed relatively normal from a distance (the first quote) yet when they reconciled and got back together the prior conflict resumed (the second quote).

BPD is a disorder impacting most the closest of personal relationships.  Distance apart is not an indicator of recovery from BPD.  That is a sad reality.

[Under The Bridge]

Many here have separated and then after a period of time noticed the conflict seemed to be less or even gone, the ex seemed relatively normal from a distance (the first quote) yet when they reconciled and got back together the prior conflict resumed (the second quote).

Absolutely right - and one of the most frustrating aspects of their condition. We start to think 'are we finally getting through to them?' but then once we're back together the cycle starts over again. Can't win either way. First time my exBPD broke up with me it wasn't until 9 months later that we started going out again... took her about a week to start her BPD antics again, like the break had never happened.

As for the second quote 'Familiarity breeds contempt', I've always found this true even when dealing with all people generally. Family and lifelong friends get to see all of me, while people I know casually - like other customers I chat to in my local pub - know me to a far lesser degree, which means there's never any conflicts and everyone's always happy to see each other.  Sometimes in life, less is definitely more.

[Me88]

Quite true, from the outside they seem normal...heck they even same quite amazing. To coworkers, strangers, new partners. It's why we fell in love with them right?

Given how these people move on, and how a lot of them start sleeping with people immediately I could never consider even touching my ex again. I tend to believe being with me is a 'special' thing and would hope the woman I'm with carries herself that way as well.

I noticed that if my ex and I didn't talk all day or we didn't see each other all the time, even when living together she'd miss me a lot. Then when together it was just non-stop criticism, nagging, insults and SCREAMING. Very weird.

[PeteWitsend]

I think the line about "familiarity breeding contempt" could be a litmus test for if you're in a good relationship or not.

In an ideal relationship, or at least a healthy one, familiarity should breed affection.  Like I sometimes saw among my grandparents that sort of vibe, "aw, he's a big lug, but he's MY big lug" said with real warmth, not sarcasm.  It could sometimes go both ways of course if they were annoyed at the other person, but most of the time they got along fine (neither sets of my grandparents divorced; they all stayed married til death). 

Like the little habits we all have that your significant other sees, but you might not want the whole world to see should be endearing if you're with the right person.  You love the other person, despite their flaws; you don't use their flaws against them. 

If not... then get out, or be prepared to suffer for the rest of your life just for the crime of being yourself at home!

[PeteWitsend]

Quite true, from the outside they seem normal...heck they even same quite amazing. To coworkers, strangers, new partners. It's why we fell in love with them right?

...

In my experience, BPDxw made new "friends" easily, which I initially thought was unusual, given what I knew about her own poor self-image, and insecurity about her childhood and family situation.  I put "friends" in quotes, because really she made new acquaintances easily. But I surmised that because she had such a lousy self image, she needed constant contact so she could compare herself to others.  The alternative was sitting with her own thoughts, which was apparently torture for her. 

She liked to meet people with worse situations in life than her, because in her mind, feeling superior to someone else felt better than being alone with her thoughts.  When someone was more successful than her, more accomplished, had more money, etc., she would pin it on me, and complain I needed to make more $$$, or a boat, or a bigger house, etc.  I noticed over time, the "friends" she got closest to were the ones who had problems. 

ANYWAYS, I asked BPDxw once, after we had a lousy experience with a play date (because the parents were trash) "We've met a lot of nice moms and nice families in these mom groups.  How come you don't invite THE NICE ONES over?"

She said something like "I don't like interacting with the moms who are perfect because it makes me feel bad about myself."

 

[Pook075]

It's so different depending on who we're talking about.  I have BPD in-laws that have been trouble in the past, but they're not an essential part of my life so it doesn't matter.  They'd get mad and we wouldn't talk for awhile.  Then things would be okay.  And that was 100% fine; they didn't change the outcome of my life either way.

For my BPD ex, we're on good terms now but we only talk once in a blue moon over the kids or something like that.  So it's easy to have that relationship as well.  Strangely though, there's a part of me that really doesn't like who she is as a person anymore and I wouldn't want to be close again anyway.  So in my case, distance has not made the heart grow fonder...it's let me see the past abusive stuff with crystal clarity.

With a BPD kid, it's entirely different because you want to reconcile no matter what.  You don't want to be a stranger or the favorite person, so it's a balancing act of staying sort of close and distant at the same time.  I still haven't fully figured it out and probably never will.  The analogies ring truest with this relationship though because I'd love for it to be more normal like with my other kid.