Insight with historical quotes

[ForeverDad]

I read nearly very day and I came across these two quotes and it occurred to me there is some truth in them in regards to BPD traits:

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder
• Familiarity breeds contempt

Many here have separated and then after a period of time noticed the conflict seemed to be less or even gone, the ex seemed relatively normal from a distance (the first quote) yet when they reconciled and got back together the prior conflict resumed (the second quote).

BPD is a disorder impacting most the closest of personal relationships.  Distance apart is not an indicator of recovery from BPD.  That is a sad reality.

[Under The Bridge]

Many here have separated and then after a period of time noticed the conflict seemed to be less or even gone, the ex seemed relatively normal from a distance (the first quote) yet when they reconciled and got back together the prior conflict resumed (the second quote).

Absolutely right - and one of the most frustrating aspects of their condition. We start to think 'are we finally getting through to them?' but then once we're back together the cycle starts over again. Can't win either way. First time my exBPD broke up with me it wasn't until 9 months later that we started going out again... took her about a week to start her BPD antics again, like the break had never happened.

As for the second quote 'Familiarity breeds contempt', I've always found this true even when dealing with all people generally. Family and lifelong friends get to see all of me, while people I know casually - like other customers I chat to in my local pub - know me to a far lesser degree, which means there's never any conflicts and everyone's always happy to see each other.  Sometimes in life, less is definitely more.

[Me88]

Quite true, from the outside they seem normal...heck they even same quite amazing. To coworkers, strangers, new partners. It's why we fell in love with them right?

Given how these people move on, and how a lot of them start sleeping with people immediately I could never consider even touching my ex again. I tend to believe being with me is a 'special' thing and would hope the woman I'm with carries herself that way as well.

I noticed that if my ex and I didn't talk all day or we didn't see each other all the time, even when living together she'd miss me a lot. Then when together it was just non-stop criticism, nagging, insults and SCREAMING. Very weird.

[PeteWitsend]

I think the line about "familiarity breeding contempt" could be a litmus test for if you're in a good relationship or not.

In an ideal relationship, or at least a healthy one, familiarity should breed affection.  Like I sometimes saw among my grandparents that sort of vibe, "aw, he's a big lug, but he's MY big lug" said with real warmth, not sarcasm.  It could sometimes go both ways of course if they were annoyed at the other person, but most of the time they got along fine (neither sets of my grandparents divorced; they all stayed married til death). 

Like the little habits we all have that your significant other sees, but you might not want the whole world to see should be endearing if you're with the right person.  You love the other person, despite their flaws; you don't use their flaws against them. 

If not... then get out, or be prepared to suffer for the rest of your life just for the crime of being yourself at home!

[PeteWitsend]

Quite true, from the outside they seem normal...heck they even same quite amazing. To coworkers, strangers, new partners. It's why we fell in love with them right?

...

In my experience, BPDxw made new "friends" easily, which I initially thought was unusual, given what I knew about her own poor self-image, and insecurity about her childhood and family situation.  I put "friends" in quotes, because really she made new acquaintances easily. But I surmised that because she had such a lousy self image, she needed constant contact so she could compare herself to others.  The alternative was sitting with her own thoughts, which was apparently torture for her. 

She liked to meet people with worse situations in life than her, because in her mind, feeling superior to someone else felt better than being alone with her thoughts.  When someone was more successful than her, more accomplished, had more money, etc., she would pin it on me, and complain I needed to make more $$$, or a boat, or a bigger house, etc.  I noticed over time, the "friends" she got closest to were the ones who had problems. 

ANYWAYS, I asked BPDxw once, after we had a lousy experience with a play date (because the parents were trash) "We've met a lot of nice moms and nice families in these mom groups.  How come you don't invite THE NICE ONES over?"

She said something like "I don't like interacting with the moms who are perfect because it makes me feel bad about myself."

 

[Pook075]

It's so different depending on who we're talking about.  I have BPD in-laws that have been trouble in the past, but they're not an essential part of my life so it doesn't matter.  They'd get mad and we wouldn't talk for awhile.  Then things would be okay.  And that was 100% fine; they didn't change the outcome of my life either way.

For my BPD ex, we're on good terms now but we only talk once in a blue moon over the kids or something like that.  So it's easy to have that relationship as well.  Strangely though, there's a part of me that really doesn't like who she is as a person anymore and I wouldn't want to be close again anyway.  So in my case, distance has not made the heart grow fonder...it's let me see the past abusive stuff with crystal clarity.

With a BPD kid, it's entirely different because you want to reconcile no matter what.  You don't want to be a stranger or the favorite person, so it's a balancing act of staying sort of close and distant at the same time.  I still haven't fully figured it out and probably never will.  The analogies ring truest with this relationship though because I'd love for it to be more normal like with my other kid.

[PeteWitsend]

...  Strangely though, there's a part of me that really doesn't like who she is as a person anymore and I wouldn't want to be close again anyway.  So in my case, distance has not made the heart grow fonder...it's let me see the past abusive stuff with crystal clarity.

...

I guess I feel similarly.  The abusive stuff was so repulsive to me that I don't have any romantic feelings or fondness for her, or even "the way we were."  Indeed it's hard for me to even remember there being any love and affection between us at any point in time. 

Maybe because when I look back, all I remember is the period of time when I was very confused and angry because of how she was behaving, but thought there was hope we could grow out of it together, because she kept claiming that she had never seen me "put her first" and "could not trust me."  I took her words at face value then. 

And then there was a big shift starting with the period of time when I learned that behavioral disorders were a very real thing and there was no hope; her words were not honest and truthful, but instead were (coupled with her outbursts, anger, hysterical crying, etc.) a pattern of behavior on her part that was intended to basically ruin me as an individual so I would seek her constant approval and affection at the expense of everything else - my family, friends, career, even my own kids. 

But I don't think BPDxw was entirely just BPD; there was a very malicious and vindictive streak to some of her actions that I found very troubling.  I didn't feel like I was just dealing with a hapless mess of a person, she was very intentional in her actions.  Indeed, I found it telling that once when we were having a fight and she brought up divorce (apparently having seen an attorney for advice before I even started considering it was a possibility), noted with a particularly nasty grin that "she had me"... when I inquired what she meant, said that by pushing me to take the job I did and relocate to a state where I had no friends and family, I would have to choose between abandoning my friends and family or abandoning my daughter if I divorced, because she was going to stay where she was.  There was no actual love or affection in her, it was only a cold calculation and she was only with me because I was the best possible option she had at the time we met (she could get citizenship through me, I had a career, stable income, was trustworthy, not violent or aggressive, etc.). 

So coming from that experience, I almost view her as inhuman.  Like a demon or something,  (I know how ridiculous that sounds), but I have reason to doubt she's capable of experiencing emotions like a normal person; it's all an act with her, except for the desire to screw other people over and manipulate them; she relishes that.

[PeteWitsend]

I think in some cases, it seems like a pwBPD is a damaged human that is just trying to fit in and survive, despite their emotional baggage & mental distortions that causes them to overreact to events, making it hard for them to do so, and stay regulated.  They are like a very difficult to deal with wounded animal, but pathetic.  On some level you want them to get better, even if you know it's unlikely.   

Then in other cases, the pwBPD emerged from whatever childhood issues formed them, and became an absolute monster themselves.  Hard to have sympathy there, because ultimately they go on to perpetuate that sort of maliciousness in others if they have kids, and leave a trail of destruction behind them.

[Under The Bridge]

But I don't think BPDxw was entirely just BPD; there was a very malicious and vindictive streak to some of her actions that I found very troubling.  I didn't feel like I was just dealing with a hapless mess of a person, she was very intentional in her actions.

Exactly what I found.. and the more it happened the more I thought there was a cold, calculating and deliberate aspect to her behaviour which couldn't be put down to BPD.  I became sure that even without BPD she would still have acted mostly the same.

There was no actual love or affection in her, it was only a cold calculation and she was only with me because I was the best possible option she had at the time we met.

I also ended up believing this too, as she asked nothing about my personal life, friends, work, parents, childhood, etc - she just seemed happy that someone was there to go out with her so she didn't want or need to know anything else. Very strange that a partner should show zero interest like that, as though I was just a commodity. I probably was exactly that to her.

After speaking to her sister in law many years after the final break up, she said she'd been living with a woman and her family never approved or even discussed it. Perhaps she knew she was gay all the time she dated me and it was a way to deflect any suspicion from her family.  It would certainly explain her lack of interest in my life if she regarded me as just a convenient alibi.

It's just a pity it takes us years to see what was clearly before our eyes.

[zachira]

Many disordered people including those with BPD and/or NPD are unable to have healthy close relationships. They are very comfortable proping up their false postive image. It is mostly in the close relationships that how they really feel deep down inside comes out. The only way to have a somewhat safe relationship with these type of people is to keep your distance and this is also when the disordered people feel the safest.