The movie "Obsession"

[Me88]

Has anyone seen this, and also saw their ex as the main character? Multiple times I just shook my head. That's my ex...she's acted that way. Said those things. The tone. Great movie but scary for our reasons.

[Under The Bridge]

Has anyone seen this, and also saw their ex as the main character? Multiple times I just shook my head. That's my ex...she's acted that way. Said those things. The tone. Great movie but scary for our reasons.

Definitely something there we can all identify with to one extent or another Wonder if the writer had some experience with BPD relationships or researched it?

I used to use the Alien movie as a reference to my exBPD; the words of the android Ash when talking about the alien are very appropriate;

'Its structural perfection is matched only by it's hostility ..a survivor.. unclouded by conscience, remorse or delusions of morality'

'I can't lie to you about your chances; you have my sympathy'

Plus whenever I saw the 'crew expendable' message I instantly thought 'partner expendable'

[Me88]

Well, apparently I didn't just land on some landmark idea. Googling the movie's relation to BPD is everywhere haha the mood swings, anger, fear of abandonment even people with BPD were saying they could relate. I was telling my parents I went through stuff like that and they were just blown away haha

[PeteWitsend]

Has anyone seen this, and also saw their ex as the main character? Multiple times I just shook my head. That's my ex...she's acted that way. Said those things. The tone. Great movie but scary for our reasons.

I just looked up the plot online.  In a way, showing the way "complete love" or whatever he wishes for, actually manifests itself in extreme social dysfunction and brutal violence like that is brilliant.  But yeah, I don't need to watch it.  Sounds terrifying!

[PeteWitsend]

...
Plus whenever I saw the 'crew expendable' message I instantly thought 'partner expendable'

In my relationship, I noticed a bizarre focus on death.  I haven't seen anyone else mention anything like that here, although I've read about threats of suicide, and violence (the latter, more from male BPDers).  I'm curious if anyone else had conversations about death with their BPD partners? 

It really creeped me out, even though I wasn't afraid of BPDxw physically, or intimidated by her in that regard. 

She would occasionally bring up - seemingly out of nowhere each time - her concern that she would die before me, and make me promise I wouldn't see anyone else after she died.  I remember thinking "Where TF did THAT come from?"  Besides, I'm almost a half-dozen years older than her, and men don't live as long as women to begin with, right? 

She once shared a "joke" video with me, where a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, and he smiles and immediately signs over all his property to her.  Then as he's walking away, she says she's still upset to think that another woman will get him, because he's such a wonderful man, and he says something like "oh, of course," pulls out a gun, and shoots himself in the head.  She thought this was hilarious, but I was thinking "I get the humor, but man, is that bleak," and the fact that she thought it was so funny was unnerving. 

It was just a joke, true, but seemed revealing to me.  I suppose it hammered home that I was just a means to an end for her.

Thinking long term, the words "Do NOT grow old with her" repeated in my head.  and I also couldn't imagine taking care of my elderly parents someday, with her disapproving glare, and "just let them die" kinda attitude. 

[Under The Bridge]

her concern that she would die before me, and make me promise I wouldn't see anyone else after she died.

I can understand a non-BPD saying that, meant as an expression of their love and obviously not said with serious intent.. but when a BPD says it, it takes on a truly darker aspect because they really mean it.

Pretty scary that even after they had died, they still want the control over their partner. Imagine being haunted by a vengeful BPD spirit who could appear whenever they liked.  Another possible movie script there..

My exBPD never discussed anything like this but then she actually never discussed much of anything. She is still the one g/f I knew the least about and who asked the least about me.. maybe that was part of the attraction for me; the simplicity of seeing her.

[Me88]

I can understand a non-BPD saying that, meant as an expression of their love and obviously not said with serious intent.. but when a BPD says it, it takes on a truly darker aspect because they really mean it.

Pretty scary that even after they had died, they still want the control over their partner. Imagine being haunted by a vengeful BPD spirit who could appear whenever they liked.  Another possible movie script there..

My exBPD never discussed anything like this but then she actually never discussed much of anything. She is still the one g/f I knew the least about and who asked the least about me.. maybe that was part of the attraction for me; the simplicity of seeing her.

I'd watch that movie but horror is my favorite genre. Sadly it was my exes too, I miss going with her to revery new movie and both being excited about it. Oh well, at least I took that part of my life back for me.

My ex actually asked every single thing about me. And I told her as much as I could or remembered. Her on the other hand, I really didn't know much about her other than she had a bad childhood. She would just be vague and switch it up on me and ask more about me. I thought it was interest and 'love'. Probably just a way to control me.

[PeteWitsend]

... but when a BPD says it, it takes on a truly darker aspect because they really mean it.

Pretty scary that even after they had died, they still want the control over their partner. ...

right.  like there is a horror movie type script there: a normal marriage ends at death ("til death do you part") but these wackjobs want some sort of eternal control over you?  Why?  What the heck are they thinking?

When she would bring it up, I would demur and say "If I die before you, I'd WANT you to find someone else and be happy" and try to change the subject. 

I suppose all these things were mentally going in my "reasons to divorce sooner than later" file. 

[Pook075]

Ooh, I watched the previews- no thank you.  That's not my kind of movie anymore and it might hit too close to home.

However, from the preview, I hate that he cast a wish to make all that happen.  Why?  He got what he wished for and it was entirely his own fault.  Call it a curse or whatever, but he's not the victim in my book.  It would have been a better plotline if she was just bananas from the very start but was super kind to him.

[Me88]

Ooh, I watched the previews- no thank you.  That's not my kind of movie anymore and it might hit too close to home.

However, from the preview, I hate that he cast a wish to make all that happen.  Why?  He got what he wished for and it was entirely his own fault.  Call it a curse or whatever, but he's not the victim in my book.  It would have been a better plotline if she was just bananas from the very start but was super kind to him.

yeah it was pretty crazy. the weird faces she'd make. Screaming at him like a banshee. Some of the lines she had. Mini PTSD flashback for me He was definitely selfish in that movie. He isn't a victim. Made a silly choice that came to fruition then ran with it in the face of horrible events. Super good movie for anyone into supernatural horror! It would trigger all of us given our pasts.

[PeteWitsend]

...
However, from the preview, I hate that he cast a wish to make all that happen.  Why?  ...

"Be careful what you wish for" is a longtime trope in fables and literature.  I saw they based this movie partially off the "Monkey's Paw" Halloween episode of the Simpson's, which was itself based on an earlier story that had been adapted many times.  There are also precedents in Greek mythology.  Someone gets their wish, but in the process, some awful calamity occurs as part of it.  Like the frogs who summon King Stork.

I'm curious if he had any experience with BPD though... it's an interesting twist.

[Under The Bridge]

Her on the other hand, I really didn't know much about her other than she had a bad childhood. She would just be vague and switch it up on me and ask more about me. I thought it was interest and 'love'. Probably just a way to control me.

She never offered any information about herself either, which I also found strange.  It's like the fact she had someone to be with was entirely enough for her, no further info needed or given. I wonder if she ever truly saw me as an individual at all or just someone who stopped her being alone.

Many years later, her sister in law said she'd had a bad childhood, which seems to be one of the common factors in developing BPD

[Pook075]

"Be careful what you wish for" is a longtime trope in fables and literature.  I saw they based this movie partially off the "Monkey's Paw" Halloween episode of the Simpson's, which was itself based on an earlier story that had been adapted many times.  There are also precedents in Greek mythology.  Someone gets their wish, but in the process, some awful calamity occurs as part of it.  Like the frogs who summon King Stork.

I'm curious if he had any experience with BPD though... it's an interesting twist.

My mind ties that straight to religion.  There's God, then there's...other stuff that's not God.  When you pray a selfish prayer, God is not the one answering.  We absolutely need to be careful of what we wish for, because we just might get our wish granted with all the good/bad that comes with it.

[PeteWitsend]

My mind ties that straight to religion.  There's God, then there's...other stuff that's not God.  When you pray a selfish prayer, God is not the one answering.  We absolutely need to be careful of what we wish for, because we just might get our wish granted with all the good/bad that comes with it.

I think within Christianity, or monotheistic religions, the "Be Careful What You Wish For" trope is still used, but framed as a deal with the Devil.  The person making the deal gets what they want, but fails to foresee how severe the other end of the bargain would be when they lose their soul.

In the "traditional," non-monotheistic telling, man fails when he wishes for something, because he is mortal and fallible and cannot bear the power of the gods (or whatever they may be).

[Pook075]

I think within Christianity, or monotheistic religions, the "Be Careful What You Wish For" trope is still used, but framed as a deal with the Devil.  The person making the deal gets what they want, but fails to foresee how severe the other end of the bargain would be when they lose their soul.

In the "traditional," non-monotheistic telling, man fails when he wishes for something, because he is mortal and fallible and cannot bear the power of the gods (or whatever they may be).

There's a creator that I occasionally see on TikTok that makes a running series of a guy making wishes to a genie.  He might wish, "I want all the money in the world."  And poof, he has all the money.  Since there's no money left, humanity goes back to the barter system and now the money is worthless.

Each episode, he makes a different wish that doesn't turn out how he expects.  In another, he wished for $5M USD, all in non-sequential hundred dollar bills.  He thinks, surely I have outsmarted the genie this time.  The money appears, and seconds later the FBI bursts into the apartment and arrests him for a bank heist.

In another, he wishes for $50M in unstamped gold bars that is created from raw ore within the solar system.  He specifies that this is gold that nobody has ever seen before, is not being accounted for anywhere, and has no effect on the global economy.  The genie says, "Hmm, great wish...I think you finally cracked the genie code."  Then the gold appears falling from the ceiling and crushes the guy like a pancake.

[Under The Bridge]

I remember a creepy tv show episode - might have been The Twilight Zone - where a guy wants a night of passion with a girl he used to know back in the day but he knows the demon granting his wish is very devious so he takes great care to phrase his wish so he won't be caught out.

Holding up a photo of the girl, he says 'I want her exactly like she is here, same age, same looks'.  He thinks he's covered every angle and the demon grants his wish.

The girl is beautiful, young.. and only 6 inches high.. exactly as she was in the photo

[Rowdy]

In my relationship, I noticed a bizarre focus on death.  I haven't seen anyone else mention anything like that here, although I've read about threats of suicide, and violence (the latter, more from male BPDers).  I'm curious if anyone else had conversations about death with their BPD partners? 

It really creeped me out, even though I wasn't afraid of BPDxw physically, or intimidated by her in that regard. 

She would occasionally bring up - seemingly out of nowhere each time - her concern that she would die before me, and make me promise I wouldn't see anyone else after she died.  I remember thinking "Where TF did THAT come from?"  Besides, I'm almost a half-dozen years older than her, and men don't live as long as women to begin with, right? 

She once shared a "joke" video with me, where a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, and he smiles and immediately signs over all his property to her.  Then as he's walking away, she says she's still upset to think that another woman will get him, because he's such a wonderful man, and he says something like "oh, of course," pulls out a gun, and shoots himself in the head.  She thought this was hilarious, but I was thinking "I get the humor, but man, is that bleak," and the fact that she thought it was so funny was unnerving. 

It was just a joke, true, but seemed revealing to me.  I suppose it hammered home that I was just a means to an end for her.

Thinking long term, the words "Do NOT grow old with her" repeated in my head.  and I also couldn't imagine taking care of my elderly parents someday, with her disapproving glare, and "just let them die" kinda attitude. 

My ex used to often mention a song that she wanted played at her funeral.

She also ‘joked’ about a month before she monkey branched to the guy she is with about poisoning me to my face…. Does that count

With regards to the ‘be careful what you wish for’ comments I’ve just put up a post about narcissism. In it I mention my ex’s constant frustration with me not booking holidays. She is now constantly going abroad with the guy she is with. She has since got skin cancer twice. I was told yesterday that the last op she had has not been successful ……. so yes definitely be careful what you wish for.

[PeteWitsend]

My ex used to often mention a song that she wanted played at her funeral.

She also ‘joked’ about a month before she monkey branched to the guy she is with about poisoning me to my face…. Does that count

I think so!

Now I'm remembering BPDxw telling me a story about how her mom was a nanny to a couple where the wife would drug her husband's drink to make him sleep, for some reason.  I can't remember if the wife was going out and cheating or what the deal was.  This was in another country (not the US) where apparently it was easier to get prescription strength sleeping pills on the DL.  I remember being kinda creeped out by that, and I seem to remember, but can't recall exactly, another instance of her approvingly mentioning poison. 

She seemed to like stories like that, as well as mythology and movies about the mafia and secret agents and all that sort of thing, and would sometimes claim she thought she was being monitored by the government.  I told her she was, but probably not anymore than any other immigrant (which she didn't like).  I imagine it went to her feigned sense of superiority over other people, that idea that some people got to be "special" and ignore the laws that bound regular people and do whatever they want.  In her case, given her stories about growing up poor, getting mocked at school b/c of her parents' legal problems, and that sort of thing, it was a way to compensate for her own insecurity and poor self-image.

Whatever sympathy I might have felt for her early in our marriage had long since evaporated by the end of it, after seeing how ugly she behaved.   

With regards to the ‘be careful what you wish for’ comments I’ve just put up a post about narcissism. In it I mention my ex’s constant frustration with me not booking holidays. She is now constantly going abroad with the guy she is with. She has since got skin cancer twice. I was told yesterday that the last op she had has not been successful ……. so yes definitely be careful what you wish for.

Oh, I bet you could draw a correlation between BPD and skin cancer.  BPDxw also had a disdain for taking precautions like using sun screen and covering up, and a desire to take lots of trips. 

Our daughter has paid the price a couple times, showing up for weekends with me with really bad sun burns. 

Something about the lack of long term planning and foresight coupled with BPD chaos & impulsiveness lends itself to that sort of careless behavior. 

[Notwendy]

There's a creator that I occasionally see on TikTok that makes a running series of a guy making wishes to a genie.  He might wish, "I want all the money in the world."  And poof, he has all the money.  Since there's no money left, humanity goes back to the barter system and now the money is worthless.

Each episode, he makes a different wish that doesn't turn out how he expects.  In another, he wished for $5M USD, all in non-sequential hundred dollar bills.  He thinks, surely I have outsmarted the genie this time.  The money appears, and seconds later the FBI bursts into the apartment and arrests him for a bank heist.

In another, he wishes for $50M in unstamped gold bars that is created from raw ore within the solar system.  He specifies that this is gold that nobody has ever seen before, is not being accounted for anywhere, and has no effect on the global economy.  The genie says, "Hmm, great wish...I think you finally cracked the genie code."  Then the gold appears falling from the ceiling and crushes the guy like a pancake.

There's the joke where the man and his wife are both 60. The man wishes for a woman 30 years younger than he is. Poof!  He's 90.

[Pook075]

There's the joke where the man and his wife are both 60. The man wishes for a woman 30 years younger than he is. Poof!  He's 90.

That's pretty funny!  Be careful what you wish for.

[hotchip]

In my relationship, I noticed a bizarre focus on death.  I haven't seen anyone else mention anything like that here, although I've read about threats of suicide, and violence (the latter, more from male BPDers).  I'm curious if anyone else had conversations about death with their BPD partners?

Pete, uBPDx often said he was 'funny about death' and that he didn't react to it the same way as other people. He mentioned that when his grandmother was dying, he chose not to go and see her even though she had supported him a lot, they had been close, and she would have wanted him to come. I didn't know what to make of that - it seemed completely at odds with the caring person I (thought I) knew.

This manifested sometimes in our own relationship. A mentor of my mentor died, and my mentor was grieving, I mentioned this to him and he laughed in a kind of nasty way and said 'That's a few steps removed from me.'

When my beloved childhood pet passed away, he was very supportive of me. He also cried and said (from memory) that it was the first time he had cried for a death (or something else to indicate that this was an exceptional occasion). Later, after the cheating/monkeybranching/breakup, he was partly responsible for my beloved pet's ashes being lost, and expressed no emotion.

That's just my anecdotes. It seems really disturbing in hindsight.

Reflecting on this has caused me to think about my own relationship with death. I cried a lot after I learned about the loss of pet's ashes, and am even tearing up now thinking about my little friend - who was truly one of the most important relationships I've had, or will have, in my life. But I know I loved him very much and that though I made mistakes at times, he had a very good and very long life, that I was able to give that to him, that this love will remain with me for all my life.

I suppose that for a disordered person, who can't show object constancy/ emotional constancy even for people who are still living, comprehending death (the largest absence) and behaving with decency around it are even more impossible.

[PeteWitsend]

...
I suppose that for a disordered person, who can't show object constancy/ emotional constancy even for people who are still living, comprehending death (the largest absence) and behaving with decency around it are even more impossible.

I think that one factor to consider is that mourning another's death conflicts with their need to always be the victim/center of attention.  Hence you get the odd comments from them when discussing death that try to move the focus back on them & their needs, even if just to use the opportunity to provoke others.

When BPDxw and I were together, we only experienced one family death (her grandfather) who was already in poor health when we met, and had made funeral arrangements.  When he died, she was understandably upset, and cried.  But later, she made a point of telling some of my family members (even though she was already starting to make unfair complaints about them & claim they didn't like her and other nonsense), and then complained to me that they didn't seem to care enough about her loss, according to her view of the situation.  So it became about her in the end.

[Pook075]

I think that one factor to consider is that mourning another's death conflicts with their need to always be the victim/center of attention. 

Me wife and i were at a funeral last month and one of her aunt's was screaming, griveing, laughing...all within a 5 minute period.  My wife said to me, "She's faking it for attention."  But I told her that she was being genuine, those were the feelings she had moment by moment.  It was so incredibly clear that the aunt has BPD.

I don't think they "need to be" the center of attention as much as it is that in those situations, they can't hide their feelings like normal and the whole world gets to see them.

I felt bad for the aunt but at the burial, she was screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably.  Family were actually walking away because they were so appalled at her behavior.  But again, I saw it for what it actually was, deep-seeded mental illness that's fueled by emotions.

[hotchip]

I suppose it could be both. Pook, contemplating death provokes thoughts about one's own mortality for almost everyone, and an unfiltered reaction might look like self centredness.

That said, Pete, it was odd that when uBPDx was telling me the anecdote about death, it was actually me who asked what his grandmother would have wanted - not something he spontaneously reflected on - like he wasn't that concerned with the impact on her, only what it reflected about him. 

Similarly, as I mentioned on a different thread, he described how his previous relationship suffered because his then partner (who he later cheated on) didn't seem like she 'wanted' him any more, as she was depressed after her mother died (!).

After my beloved pet passed, he was consistently loving and caring towards my expressions of grief, but also expressed that i didn't 'want' him / it was pointless for him to be around when after a week, i was still grieving.

It seemed like he needed so much attention to fill the bottomless empty pit of validation that he could not be cognisant of other peoples needs that didn't revolve around him, and this led to some almost psychopathic seeming words and behaviour.

[PeteWitsend]

Me wife and i were at a funeral last month and one of her aunt's was screaming, griveing, laughing...all within a 5 minute period.  My wife said to me, "She's faking it for attention."  But I told her that she was being genuine, those were the feelings she had moment by moment.  It was so incredibly clear that the aunt has BPD.

I don't think they "need to be" the center of attention as much as it is that in those situations, they can't hide their feelings like normal and the whole world gets to see them.

I felt bad for the aunt but at the burial, she was screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably.  Family were actually walking away because they were so appalled at her behavior.  But again, I saw it for what it actually was, deep-seeded mental illness that's fueled by emotions.

See, to me, I look at the results, and the result of her behavior was focusing the attention on herself, not the person who actually died. 

I think you're right that their behavior is fueled by emotions, but not in the same sense; I think pwBPD are insecure and need attention, and so they act out; they don't genuinely grieve and feel the same way you or I would about someone's passing.

Maybe I'm just too cynical, but I have a hard time believing an adult could be that overcome with emotion to be screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably at a funeral, which is presumably taking place at least a few days after the person has passed, and after the attendees have all: 1) learned about their passing, and 2) had some time to process the news and grieve the deceased privately. 

I could see it if it was a spontaneous event, like in the aftermath of a car accident... but a funeral?  To me, it seems calculated.  She had an audience to play up her emotions to, and garner all the attention of.  Her behavior might not produce the sympathy for her she's expecting, and it might disgust other people as you noted, rather than making them want to console her, but it's still attention, and that's what really matters to pwBPD. 

[PeteWitsend]

I suppose it could be both. Pook, contemplating death provokes thoughts about one's own mortality for almost everyone, and an unfiltered reaction might look like self centredness.

That said, Pete, it was odd that when uBPDx was telling me the anecdote about death, it was actually me who asked what his grandmother would have wanted - not something he spontaneously reflected on - like he wasn't that concerned with the impact on her, only what it reflected about him. 

Similarly, as I mentioned on a different thread, he described how his previous relationship suffered because his then partner (who he later cheated on) didn't seem like she 'wanted' him any more, as she was depressed after her mother died (!).

After my beloved pet passed, he was consistently loving and caring towards my expressions of grief, but also expressed that i didn't 'want' him / it was pointless for him to be around when after a week, i was still grieving.

It seemed like he needed so much attention to fill the bottomless empty pit of validation that he could not be cognisant of other peoples needs that didn't revolve around him, and this led to some almost psychopathic seeming words and behaviour.

The "bottomless pit" drives a lot of their behavior, and motivates a lot of their actions. 

While I don't think there's any one theory of behavior that explains all the motivations behind a pwBPD's actions, I think the bottomless pit, the need for constant attention (positive or negative), explains a lot of them. 

Like in my experience, BPDxw demanding I swear I'd stay single if she died before me, or using her grandpa's passing to pick fights with me about whether or not my family showed enough sympathy for "her loss" and that sort of thing, there's no room in their minds for genuine concern for others; in the end it all comes back on how the loss affects them.  They may know to temper their behavior to some extent when they know a lot of people are watching; they can feign sympathy as long as they feel they need to, but once they're out of public view, the mask drops.