Frustrated - is there even a chance for those with BPD?

[ParentBPDgirl]

I just posted a couple of days ago. My 20 year old child who we told had to move out in a month, hasn't been home in three days but she has texted just enough to tell me she needs money for a deposit - we told her we'd help with the deposit on a place to live only. Essentially she's giving us time to cool down, but she's looking for an apartment with her friends, and she has a min. wage job, her friend has a part time job, and her boyfriend 'has interviews.' She also applied for credit cards in the mail, and actually someone gave them to her... .I'm trying to stay away, making it clear that I am not going to help her with money (she spends, and can't really remember to pay the one bill she has). I want her to be successful and move out, but she's winging it, and isn't taking her medicine. The problem is life is good when she's not in the house. I don't know - this one is a hard one because I know that it's only a matter of time before everything comes crashing down on her. But, at 20, she won't listen, and she doesn't have to as an adult. I feel like I'm sending someone out in the world that isn't ready for it deliberately because I can't manage them - but at the same time, if she stays, I can't manage her. Are there even success stories of adult children with BPD if none of them want to accept it? Because it seems this is a no-win situation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

Does she see a psychiatrist and a therapist?  What medication is she on?  Are you sure she is accurately diagnosed?  Unfortunately you are right with an adult - they don't have to do what you tell them to do. Ours has bipolar and was also recently diagnosed with BPD traits. She is 17. Her pdoc told us at the last visit, both DH and me when she was still refusing meds that it was time to keep letting her know we love her and there for her and to call him (or whomever is appropriate) if there is an emergency. Other than that he said we need to take care of ourselves. I am anxious to see if there are other responses because that is much easier said than done. I really am not sure how to handle all this either especially since BPD is a pretty new diagnosis for us and having both of the above complicates everything.

[ArleighBurke]

I understand parental love - and the desire to make sure your children are cared for and have a good life. But your daughter is an adult (in age), and needs to be able to make her own decisions. At some point you have to transition away from being a parent and start being an equal. I know that's incredibly difficult to do. This is a level of emotional detachment. Respect her choices, protect yourself, help her where she wants it (and it doesn't harm you).

[Lollypop]

Hi there

Arleighburke is right and it took me a long time to realise it.  

My BPDs has "left" home three times; once at 18 (1 year), 20 (10 months) and then 24 (8 months). He said he "ran away from home" which i can now see how he felt that way. We were so critical of him and everything he did or didn't do (pre diagnosis). It was bliss to have him out of the house!

Each and every time I was too financially involved because deep in my heart I knew he didn't have the skill set to look after himself. There was a slow downward spiral each time. I solved all the problems just before he fell or was evicted. I'd raised him in a way that it was "bad" to make mistakes and I wasn't able to let him suffer the consequences. Fortunately, He got dx at 24 following a crisis.

I see now that I hindered his personal growth.  We all learn by our mistakes.

Since our change in approach from learning here on the forum and getting guidance too, my BPDs26 has steadily improved. We are hopeful that he'll be able to live independently successfully. He does not seek treatment and chooses to self medicate.

I guess I'm saying it's been a process of detachment and his naturally maturing has helped a lot too. Better communication and validation skills have improved our relationship.

For them to behave like an adult then they need to be treated like an adult.

We need to learn how to be a parent that does their job right: love them unconditionally and walk beside them emotionally especially when they fall. My BPDs learns problem solving skills the hard way. It takes him 5 or 6 times for something to stick.

Practically speaking I've found it difficult to judge sometimes if I'm "allowed" to do something to help. I remind myself of the phrase "everything he should do for himself, he should do himself".

I'm laughing as I type this because yesterday my BPDs asked for a small short term loan. We agreed because we are super confident that he'll be able to pay us back as agreed. The money is for equipment for his job not for debts, drugs, car fixing. And we may learn from this mistake or success  

I'm sure your daughter will have some problems along the way. If she struggles with bill payments then she'll need to problem solve and be prepared to work more hours. There'll be consequences to face. That's life.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and it's certainly hard when you know it's not going to work. Instead of spending this time worrying yourself, , you could enjoy the space and work on developing your skills to further improve the way you interact with your daughter; that's a win win situation.

Are you going to ask her to pay you back or is the deposit a gift ?

How far away will she be living?

Hugs

L

[ParentBPDgirl]

Well, definitely sure on the diagnosis.It's been a long road to getting here.

I'm giving her the deposit as a gift, because realistically she'll never pay us back and I don't want to set up a situation where I'm resentful. We made it very clear it's a one time gift for her first place only.

She's moving out in four days, and hasn't even packed. She's telling me all sorts of crazy things because she thinks we're being unreasonable.

She was in therapy, but then just Monday, announced that she was done with our psych and medicine (ability, plus some ADHD - he wanted to put her on a stabilizer like lithium but she's too inconsistent) and that's that.

So you're both right, and we're treating her like an adult, in order to get her to act like one. All her bills are in her own name and I stopped pestering her about what she should and shouldn't do.

She's mad but knows she has to leave (before she didn't believe we'd actually do it.) but as we get closer to the date, and she isn't packing (six days... .) I am wondering if I'm going to be left putting her stuff in boxes.

So we're telling her we love her, and that we respect that she doesn't like our rules but we also have the right to set them. She's moving to a friends' parents house, and is sharing a room. I don't think it will last long but we also made it clear she can't come back here, (because the same issues will come up).

[7babies]

I'm just reading to educate myself and wanted to thank you all for sharing.