On the verge of accomplishing something long planned, feel ambivalent

[hotchip]

I'm on the verge of accomplishing something long planned and worked towards which will mean a big move and other changes in my life. It's very exciting.

At the same time, I still have some hollow and ambivalent feelings regarding... well, I'm not quite sure what, because part of the mind________ of BPD is not knowing exactly what you were dealing with, or what was being experienced.

uBPDx and I used to talk about doing this thing as a 'dream' we would experience together. I'm not sure if it was something they actually wanted or if they were just mirroring me. It certainly was/is my dream, and now I am accomplishing it (though there is lots of difficult stuff ahead).

There was no viable future where this could have been done together, because it requires sustained effort and commitment in the face of fluctuating emotions, which uBPDx was not capable of.
 
It's a bit of a double edged sword. The qualities that uBPDx used to idealise are still very much with me, and the relationship has not changed the trajectory of my life at all, besides throwing me mildly off track with a couple things (soon corrected) - I'm a very determined person and though there's been quite a lot of hurt and harm to me, I've never been seriously pushed away from my values or goals. That's very lucky compared to others on this forum. Maybe if the relationship lasted longer it would be different. 

But, well, realising I'm my own person - that I'm responsible for myself, that it's the same as it ever was - is a bit sad after the fantasy. That the experience and the burden/ joy of being me, could be a shared one.

Anyway, sorry to be trite, but dreams do come true - you just have to work in the actual physical realm. What I learned from the relationship is if the dream is going to be shared, then this needs to be with someone who not also has fantasy, but also the capacity for making it happen.