Advice about supporting my daughter

[bluetooth]

Hello,

This place has been very helpful to me. Thank you everyone for making me feel that I am not alone in the struggle.

I am married to pwBPD spouse for a bit more than 20 years. I have realised for the past five years about hopelessness of the situation. I have stuck around because of my daughter who will leave the nest in a year, a timeline that I have also kept for myself to initiate separation.

My wife has been a good mother to my daughter until some 18 months ago. My daughter is progressing through teenage years, and becoming emotionally independent. With that happening, my wife is showing increasingly petulant behaviours towards her. She takes offence on things that seem routine in a teenage life, and then spends long time berating the daughter.

I am trying to support daughter as much as I can. I am posting to seek your opinion about some things to do or not to do as I navigate how I can support my daughter. I really appreciate your experience and opinion.

Thank you.

[PeteWitsend]

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I am trying to support daughter as much as I can. I am posting to seek your opinion about some things to do or not to do as I navigate how I can support my daughter. I really appreciate your experience and opinion.

Thank you.

The most important thing you can do is be there to listen to what your daughter says. 

If you're with your daughter and your wife is not present, you can be more open with her.  I still would not mention BPD, or bad mouth your wife, or anything like that, but you shouldn't also defend her behavior toward your daughter, and validate your daughter's feelings about it. 

If your wife is present, and your in the midst of conflict, it's more challenging to negotiate, but you have to be careful not to take sides, and try to defuse things without making your daughter feel unsupported.  She's also going to be looking to you for guidance, and if you're doing one thing and saying another, you're going to lose credibility in her eyes. 

It's not going to be easy, but if you consider your words and actions carefully, you can navigate this issue without losing your daughter's trust, or escalating the fighting; that I think are your two goals when in the midst of it. 

it sounds like at least you don't have to worry about placating your wife if you're already planning an exit from the marriage. 

[ForeverDad]

I have realized for the past five years about hopelessness of the situation. I have stuck around because of my daughter who will leave the nest in a year, a timeline that I have also kept for myself to initiate separation.

Waiting until the children are grown and gone is not necessarily a good strategy.  Ponder what happens when a couple files for divorce with nearly grown children.  Yes, family court would likely make a temp custody and parenting schedule order, but (1) temp orders often end once the child ages out of the system at age 18 or finish high school and (2) your daughter is definitely old enough to speak up for herself to the court and state her own wishes.  (Not to mention that by that time the children already have a drivers license and are able to "vote with their feet".)

I guess good question to ask yourself whether to act now is what you think your daughter would choose to do once there is a separation.  Would she have the strength to decide to live with the mentally healthier and more stable parent?  Or could her mother pressure and manipulate her to side with her?  I ask this because many children are so influenced by their unstable parent that they don't have the insight and gumption to stand up for their own best interests.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Some 40 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.