Am I Hoping for Too Much?

[Flora and Fauna]

I wonder if anyone else has this issue.

As a disclaimer, I must admit that things have improved with my adult daughter, due in large part to finding a therapist that she very much connected with since she was 15. She's 23 now. Teen years were hard with three "hospital" stays and a reliance on self-harm to cope that was difficult for her to shake. She seemed to loathe us then and that was incredibly hard for us. Did DBT twice and found it helpful. She lives about 4 hrs away with from us with an amazing girlfriend, she has a job and is relying less on us financially as she often states that she wishes to be self-reliant in that way, but is thankful for our help.

What seems to remain and that I've had to "radically accept" is that she find it hard to visit home, and to simply be around my husband and I. This is where I almost feel compelled to fall all over myself and "swear" that we were supportive parents, we didn't berated her, or say things to put her down. When she "came out" to us there was no drama, and we told her we loved her, and thanked her for telling us. We did DBT training as well and learned to validate, and we learned to meet her where she is and developed the ability to let her lead with interactions.

So let me get to the point:  we see her for very short amounts of time. This is what seems to work for her, and it's rather heartbreaking for us. She is an actor, so when she has a play she always tells me. I get tickets, and see the performance, get to hug her and gush about her performance afterwards, and then....she goes back to her apt, I go back to my hotel, and I catch the train home the next day. There is no grabbing a coffee, or a snack or just chatting. I literally see her for about ten minutes after the show, and that's it until months later. That's enough for her. It's been this way for years.  Same happened when she was in college. If we ask to get a bite etc. she declines, feigning that she has "work to do," but over time we realized she wasn't comfortable around us. I imagine we instill an anxiety by our presence. 

I finally got up the nerve to tell her (in a voice message...so in a way that was less "confrontational) that I missed her, and I'd like to see her to grab a meal or chat a little, when I come to her town. Or "do" something with her, if she comes home. Mentioned I'd love to go to a movie or just watch a movie with her at home  etc. She was very receptive, said we could absolutely do that (I think the years of therapy have helped her)....but... nothing has changed.

If she comes home, she's in her (old) room for hours. She'll come out and interact with our dog, briefly chat, and then go out with friends. The only way she'll be around us is if a friend is present. THEN she comes to life. She's bubbly, friendly, engaging....but it appears she cannot do that without the buffer of someone else being around.

She came home briefly to pick up her cat which we were watching while she was on vacation. I had mentioned that I'd love to watch a movie with her. She said she had "work to do," to get ready for a play, and then candidly said, "you know, coming home is not one of my favorite things to do, and ....it's easier to be around you if I have a friend with me." Wow ...I can appreciate the candor, but that was so hard to hear. It's a wonder she comes home at all, if that's how she feels. (She typically doesn't come for holidays...but did for a few days last year which was a huge surprise).

I have friends with such close relationships with their daughters. I yearn for that...but maybe it's just too much. I have to appreciate that she at least wants me at performances, does call me to share good or bad news, does ask for my advice....but cannot handle actually spending time with me.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders