Six years too late? It's never too late.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

*a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?

[bluebird314]

*a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?

[Pook075]

Hi everyone!

I found a good divorce mediator and have passed the contact along to my wife; I'm fairly certain I'm in a discard phase so this might be great. My own therapist and I are working through mental preparations for the charming or future anger that gets thrown my direction. This past week has been almost no contact and - frankly - it's been so restorative.

I've made a promise to myself to focus on mind and health for the remainder of this year. We don't need to be thinking about dating or anything, haha. But I'll say it was really nice; I've received a few a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?

Step... by... step. I'm hoping the mediator e-mail doesn't create drama, but I was tasked with it... so, it shouldn't? Ah. Shouldn't. The illogical word.

All good stuff.  You're putting yourself first and you're creating a plan to move forward.  Either she agrees to it or she doesn't.

The biggest part is that you're healing while going through this process; that's the hardest aspect and you're handling it like a champ.  You'll continue to gain clarity as this process unfolds as well, week by week, you'll be a little bit more you.

[ForeverDad]

I found a good divorce mediator and have passed the contact along to my wife; I'm fairly certain I'm in a discard phase so this might be great. My own therapist and I are working through mental preparations for the charming or future anger that gets thrown my direction

Depending on what shared assets and debts there are, a divorce mediator may be unable to succeed.  Let me restate that... Most of us tried mediation, after all it is a required second step in a divorce, after the initial temp order.  So don't be disappointed if it ultimately ends with a stalemate.

However, most of our divorces do eventually end in settlements.  That is partly due to the multiple steps in a divorce but more likely due to the court willing to put off making rulings or decisions and instead allow repeated continuances.  (Judges don't like making decisions since they don't want an appeal to a higher court to reverse a decision.)  It's as if the court is a reluctant referee stating, "Be adults, you can work this out, so just do it."  Alas, our cases don't involve two reasonably normal adults.

I've made a promise to myself to focus on mind and health for the remainder of this year. We don't need to be thinking about dating or anything, haha. But I'll say it was really nice; I've received a few

It is nice to have normal conversations with overall positive people, isn't it?  But we are wise to avoid getting into another relationship before we have a measure of recovery from this one.  How to know when we are rebalanced and ready?  One way to realize this might be an undesirable rebound relationship is if we keep talking about all the crazy making experiences with our new ex.  Better to work those aspects out with a counselor.

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you, all of you. It means a lot.

Tonight has been another rollercoaster- ya’ll ain’t lying when you say there are hard times ahead, hah.

It’s almost insane to watch it go from normal to aggressive to really wounded and angry in single text threads. We’ve reached the “you must be sleeping with someone else” “I’m going to go sleep with someone else” segment. Meanwhile I’m lying on a rug with the cats she wanted and didn’t want.

Inside? I’m at peace. Hell, I’m going to go to bed early.

Prepare yourself for being "recycled" quickly. 

I would say that it's easier for a woman to find a man and get hooked up than vice versa, but I don't know if that's true or fair.  I can say with some certainty that it's definitely easier for a person with no standards and no qualms about using people to get hooked up quickly. 

[bluebird314]

Prepare yourself for being "recycled" quickly. 

Oh god, I welcome this if it means I get to move on

Mentally, I'm preparing for all the possibilities. Hopefully her DBT specialist aides keeping her anchored throughout. Fingers are crossed, mind is guarded, heart is in recovery mode on a beach somewhere.

[PeteWitsend]

Oh god, I welcome this if it means I get to move on

Mentally, I'm preparing for all the possibilities. Hopefully her DBT specialist aides keeping her anchored throughout. Fingers are crossed, mind is guarded, heart is in recovery mode on a beach somewhere.

yeah, it happened in my case, and she kept trying to play coy and expected me to get upset, as though I cared that she was with someone else.  My only concern was for who was she allowing to be around my daughter.  I had more or less moved on well before we actually separated and filed for divorce and was happy to be out of there.  If it hadn't been for our daughter together, I don't think I would have ever spoken to her again after I moved out. 

ironically, when we divorced, she pushed for a "morality clause" in our temporary orders, stating that no members of the opposite sex were allowed to sleep over when our child was there.  She started violating this a couple months following our separation.  She had no concern whatsoever for anyone other than herself.

[bluebird314]

I’m so sorry. That’s a rough position to be in.

Why didn’t they give us a manual for this in SexEd? Hah!

Tonight I packed away pictures and memories. I don’t want to destroy them yet but I don’t want them in my apartment. I read a lot of cards. I think she meant what she wrote. She was earnest in those moments. But the moments clouded and the emotions rolled in.

I’ll be happy when this is behind me. And when it is, I’m going to be here whenever I can to help others who are seeking.

Thank you all so much for absorbing my pain while you can, how you can. I come here instead of Instagram (off of it) and this is my anti-drug.

Family.

[Pook075]

I’m so sorry. That’s a rough position to be in.

Why didn’t they give us a manual for this in SexEd? Hah!

Tonight I packed away pictures and memories. I don’t want to destroy them yet but I don’t want them in my apartment. I read a lot of cards. I think she meant what she wrote. She was earnest in those moments. But the moments clouded and the emotions rolled in.

I’ll be happy when this is behind me. And when it is, I’m going to be here whenever I can to help others who are seeking.

Thank you all so much for absorbing my pain while you can, how you can. I come here instead of Instagram (off of it) and this is my anti-drug.

Family.

That's right.  Family!  We'll get through this together.

[bluebird314]

HoooOOOooowee nothing like a Thursday morning spiral to remind me I'm in the right direction! Along with it come observations:

(a) I am not engaging with the rage bate or responding to accusations.
(b) My nerves recovered much more quickly this time, and I stayed emotionally grounded.
(c) My desire to argue the logic of statements and/or accusations has left... there's just no arguing with her version of the world.

Recovered. Didn't engage. Moved forward.

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

Off to a phone call with my mediator. I'm not revealing anything to her about my wife's condition as it's irrelevant to mediation. That's a next step, can't-get-mediation-to-work reveal. We'll see.

Have a good day, all.

[PeteWitsend]

...

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

...

I think it's less than we expect; BPDers look for 3rd parties to get involved online and triangulate with, and the people who comment here are pretty even-keeled and don't post into a lot of righteous "OH MY GOD YOU POOR THING, LEAVE THAT EVIL MONSTER" kinda things that feed drama, or throws fuel on a fire, to use another metaphor.  I have wondered about some posters from time to time, but they tend to wander away when they don't get those dopamine hits from additional drama here.

I have posted on other sites related to marital/relationship advice, and they're often cesspools of judgement and drama.  Sometimes you can get some advice there, but a lot of times, it just adds to your issues when other people try to pick fights with you because they have their own axe to grind.
 

Still, it's good to keep a lot of information that could be used to identify yourself out of posts.  No need to post your actual location, names, ages, or other personally identifiable information.  In fact, I think it's best to make up background information to the extent it's not needed for others to provide advice. 

So for example, if you live in Delaware, say you live in Maryland or something.  And so on. 

[Pook075]

HoooOOOooowee nothing like a Thursday morning spiral to remind me I'm in the right direction! Along with it come observations:

(a) I am not engaging with the rage bate or responding to accusations.
(b) My nerves recovered much more quickly this time, and I stayed emotionally grounded.
(c) My desire to argue the logic of statements and/or accusations has left... there's just no arguing with her version of the world.

Recovered. Didn't engage. Moved forward.

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

Off to a phone call with my mediator. I'm not revealing anything to her about my wife's condition as it's irrelevant to mediation. That's a next step, can't-get-mediation-to-work reveal. We'll see.

Have a good day, all.

It certainly does get easier over time, because the patterns become much clearer.  She yelled at you because she's sick.  So what?  Let her yell as you say goodbye and wish her a great day.

I would literally "kill my ex with kindness" and I think that bothered her more than anything.  Several times she asked why I wasn't fighting back and I simply said, "Because I love you and there's no reason to argue."  It rocked her entire reality- why is this hateful, abusive man so nice to me all the time?  Huh, maybe he's not an abusive, hateful man after all.

It will continue to get easier as the FOG fades.  You should be proud of yourself because you've been doing great.

[wendydarling]

'Six years too late. It's never too late' grabbed my attention.

10 years on from my daughter's diagnosis. The people who were there for her then are here today.

My daughter lent a book of Blaise Aguirre that was not returned, Blaise sent a replacement.

I hope your partner is up for DBT, changed my daughter's life around. She's still living.

WDx

[bluebird314]

Hello again, friends.

I've been in my own space for 35 days. I was in my relationship for 2,920. That's 1.2% the length of the relationship. I'm a mixed bag of feelings; my nerves are beginning to heal but I still find my hand tremoring when she lashes out at me. I find myself empathizing with her position, even beginning to believe it... until I ask myself one or two questions and fact check the logic. Part of me wants to submit, accept all fault, bring the loud emotions into the quiet and recede to my corner... and then I realize that's not me. That was never me. I don't let anyone speak to me like that... but I let this person control so many aspects of my emotional existence for 8 years?

It was good at first, yes. But I was skiing past the bright red flag poles.

This is going to take time. My heart has to much healing to do. Divorce is progressing and my brain knows I won't know how to handle the situation until it's done. I'm still only "allowed" to communicate with my step-kids by group message and I've elected not to do that... I'm choosing my own piece over a stipulation that my relationship with the children I've helped raise is under constant examination.

Every text, every e-mail, every call is filled with rage (from her). Cursing me, I'm her biggest trigger, I'm her greatest source of trauma, I'm her greatest regret.

I almost forget that I was the one getting hit.

My sister said something in passing to me the other night: often in a contested relationship the abused has a whole lot less to say. They just want out. They just want peace.

My apartment is a place of calm. The cats she hated are happy and relaxed. My soul is relaxing. I am wavering between acceptance and a well measured pace of healing. Time, time, time.

My desire to eat when stressed is gone... because I'm just not that stressed. THIS is all VERY stressful, but I'm realizing how much my diet was driven by my environmental response. I've taken time off drinking because I'm in an angry phase and the drinks brought misplaced anger too quickly.

I'm doing okay. I am absolutely 100% not conflicted about this choice. I finished my DBT and elected not to do the local course; I think I'm done with Borderline self-education for now. I learned, I'll use it... but I've given her enough space.

Tonight (for the first time in 18 years) I went through a box of photos I've been travelling from house to house. I was a loved child with a complicated family. People took time to care for me as best they good. I had a robust group of friends throughout my childhood, some whom I still see today. There are so many pieces of my broken heart I wish I had healed before I met my soon-to-be ex... An older me would tell that 20 year old me to take a breath, relax, and stay the course. To start therapy earlier and begin unpacking my internal dialogue in a healthy way.

The biggest observation (shock?) to me as I'm glancing backwards into my mind is this: the last four long-term relationships I've had were with people who had B-Complex disorders. Bipolar, Borderline, Bipolar, Borderline.

 

Heal thyself, lil' bird.

And that's what we're going to keep doing.

Thank you everyone for your support. I will return to this forum and I hope to be a force of positivity in hope for others like me, when I am healed.

Thank you for reminding me to have sympathy, even tho I find it hard. And for encouraging me to love myself when I so readily want to make myself the enemy.

This forum has been instrumental in helping me move out, forward and onward.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you in return.  We help each other.

[PeteWitsend]

...

This is going to take time. My heart has to much healing to do. ...

I'll quote ForeverDad here: "recovery is a process, not an event."

It can go on in fits and starts, and takes time, and I think you often don't realize when you've healed, you just move on with your life.