Help needed: Cohabitating with BPD spouse before separation

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Hi,

I have posted on the board before. Like many of your stories, mine is quite complex. You can find a more detailed summary here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062399.0. Today, I would like to try to focus on what I am coping with right now.

My BPD (NPD traits) husband and I were together for 12 years, and married for only two. He asked for a divorce a couple of months ago, although he has not submitted the paperwork yet. The fact is that I do not have the financial stability necessary to move out. I stayed at a friend's for a few weeks, but that couldn't possibly be a long-term solution. He also slept at his office for a while. I know I am doing my best to solve this, considering that I have just recently moved here (Norway) from abroad, I am still struggling with the aftermath of some serious health issues, and I am, of course, heartbroken and incredibly tired. Well, in short, my BPD ex and I are living together right now, and I need advice on how to cope.

While at first I was just deeply grateful and happy to have moved back in and established a series of boundaries, things escalated again real quick (like, less than two weeks). I must admit we were intimate for the first week or so...a lot. He became loving and caring again, and of course it felt amazing, and it ignited hope again. Needless to say, he went back to DARVO and discarding as soon as I tried to have a serious conversation on why that was happening, and whether therapy could be considered. Now he is being extremely impulsive. He is considering accepting a new job offer, moving to a nearby city, buying a very expensive car, etc. He is drinking and coming late, telling me all these stories in detail and saying how happy and hopeful he feels now that he is divorcing me.

I have really tried to stay calm and ignore him, but it is just NOT working. I am angry, and tired, and sad, and he just acts like he doesn't understand why I am so desperate. The only thing that is helping me is reading posts from this and other forums, and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so that I am reminded that there is nothing, nothing I could do if he is in denial and not willing to get therapy. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with the temporary cohabitation. I feel drained, and I need energy to rebuild a life for myself.

Thank you. A big hug to you all.

[Pluie]

Hi,

I have posted on the board before. Like many of your stories, mine is quite complex. You can find a more detailed summary here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062399.0. Today, I would like to try to focus on what I am coping with right now.

My BPD (NPD traits) husband and I were together for 12 years, and married for only two. He asked for a divorce a couple of months ago, although he has not submitted the paperwork yet. The fact is that I do not have the financial stability necessary to move out. I stayed at a friend's for a few weeks, but that couldn't possibly be a long-term solution. He also slept at his office for a while. I know I am doing my best to solve this, considering that I have just recently moved here (Norway) from abroad, I am still struggling with the aftermath of some serious health issues, and I am, of course, heartbroken and incredibly tired. Well, in short, my BPD ex and I are living together right now, and I need advice on how to cope.

While at first I was just deeply grateful and happy to have moved back in and established a series of boundaries, things escalated again real quick (like, less than two weeks). I must admit we were intimate for the first week or so...a lot. He became loving and caring again, and of course it felt amazing, and it ignited hope again. Needless to say, he went back to DARVO and discarding as soon as I tried to have a serious conversation on why that was happening, and whether therapy could be considered. Now he is being extremely impulsive. He is considering accepting a new job offer, moving to a nearby city, buying a very expensive car, etc. He is drinking and coming late, telling me all these stories in detail and saying how happy and hopeful he feels now that he is divorcing me.

I have really tried to stay calm and ignore him, but it is just NOT working. I am angry, and tired, and sad, and he just acts like he doesn't understand why I am so desperate. The only thing that is helping me is reading posts from this and other forums, and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so that I am reminded that there is nothing, nothing I could do if he is in denial and not willing to get therapy. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with the temporary cohabitation. I feel drained, and I need energy to rebuild a life for myself.

Thank you. A big hug to you all.

[ParentingThruIt]

That sounds super difficult!

I think it's likely that he will continue acting out for a while through the breakup. Leaning on your resources to maintain sanity is good. You will have to keep an eye on whether the situation is physically and mentally safe for you.

If there is any option to move out - even if you need temporary public benefits or something - it's a good idea to be aware of your options.

While you are there, leaning in to the boundaries may help. Maybe as if he is a roommate that you don't know. Do you have your own bedroom?  Try to set up your own space for sleeping, hanging out etc. Maybe line up some media (books / audiobooks, movies etc) or other individual activities to tune into while you are home.  Maybe identify some safe and relatively low demand / rejuvenating places to hang out, like friends' homes, public library, coffee shop, etc so you get some space from the home situation and have a good go to if things get intense.

Do you very best not to get pulled into arguments, physical contact, etc.  It's likely that he will try to bait you in. Practice ways to gracefully exit the conversation and avoid venting, lending him support, etc.

I'm sure it will get better from here but I know it's hard while you are feeling not the strongest.