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Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
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Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
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Topic: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships (Read 832 times)
marti644
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Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
on:
February 16, 2017, 02:25:15 AM »
Hi Everyone,
I know one of the greatest struggles I am having post-BPD relationship (1 month) is the realization of cheating in the relationship, lies about past relationships or indiscretions (that would have made me avoid the relationship), and the way that our relationship ended abruptly and they likely continued with there new Non as I fell to the wayside in anger, hurt, and sadness. I am left to pick up the pieces of the whole relationship, heal on my own, and find real closure where they may never be any.
The more I come out of the FOG and realize what was actually happening the more warning signs I see of cheating. In my case I don't have any solid evidence which makes things very difficult and leaves me paranoid and ruminating, which is a horrible habit I have post-breakup.
As I woke up this morning and forced myself out of bed I came to a realization: it doesn't matter if my BPD-ex cheated or not. All that mattered is that they were trying to find another partner and that they had the intention to and that this is how they transfer their shattered psyche from one chaotic mess to another.
I feel these intentions are enough to not want to be with such a person. I deserve better and I feel a certain sort of closure.
What do you think?
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AustenJ
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #1 on:
February 16, 2017, 08:33:31 AM »
Hey, Marti644!
I feel your pain!
Hindsight is 20/20... .it is only after we are out of the chaos and toxicity that we can reflect and see all of the red flags we missed in regards to cheating when we were addicted. I work with my ex, and I loved our work relationship (we are both teachers)... .so I knew she was not cheating on me when we were at work... .but all of the things outside of work that I rationalized and accepted were unbelievable!
The anger over her cheating is what drives me now in regards to LC/NC... .most days I do not even see her, if I do, I leave or totally ignore her. I understand now that she does not love herself and is incapable of truly loving others. I think she did enjoy me as a friend with benefits... .but that would be how I would characterize all of her relationships... .I was just a coping mechanism for her--what she needed at that point in her life. What a sad way to describe someone that I loved and gave my best to. But this will always be her reality. And I have to realize this is how she treated the dozens of men before me and how she will treat the dozens of men after me. I am sure every man she has ever been with (maybe 70, 80, maybe more in 10 years) was somehow special to her and filled a particular need for her... .and I'm sure most of them thought they were in love with her and felt like she loved them... .
She laughed when she called herself a "tornado" because she leaves so much devastation in her wake. Just stop and imagine how many lives she has destroyed... .of really good, kind, loving men. So she does know to a certain degree that she's a monster in how she treats the men in her life... .but that recognition is only fleeting until the next ping pong ball bounces around in her head and she needs to cope with impulsive, reckless sex. I don't even think she would consider it cheating... .just coping and getting relief from their pain... .
All of her relationships have been triangulated with an ex from 5 years ago that she still considers her best friend and the guy she plans to marry when she stops screwing around on him... .how sick is that? So if she's cheating on her best friend and the guy she sees herself living happily ever after with eventually after 5 years... .she is going to cheat on every other guy... .it's just how BPD rolls
So hang onto that anger for as long as you need to in order to get over that whoring ex... .you were no more special to her than the 50 other guys she has screwed... .it sucks, but this too shall pass
Hang in there!
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marti644
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #2 on:
February 16, 2017, 08:52:37 AM »
Complicated,
Thank you,
Your words are very very true.
At this stage I just feel lucky I got out when I did with hat in hand and that more damage was not done. Can't help but just feel sorry for my BPD-ex and her condition. And so glad I don't have to deal with any of it anymore.
And I agree with the NC, this is what drives me everyday and is the only form of retribution I need. She has been stalking and calling me for the last week now. Every time I ignore her 'charming' behaviour it just makes me stronger.
Onwards and Upwards!
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #3 on:
February 16, 2017, 09:13:47 AM »
Oh she cheated. That's a given. If she has BPD - she most likely cheated many times. She will NEVER confess to it. Never.
I know it's technically possible that she might not have. I caught mine cheating a couple of times (no denying it) - but there were so many other indications that made me think "this is awful suspicious " and my gut would tell me that it was cheating - but I didn't have solid proof of it.
It's who they are at their core. Liars and Cheaters. We think of lying and cheating to be bad... .but to them it's kind of like if someone started getting pissed because you were breathing.
The paranoria that follows you after the NC/breakup still hurts. It hurts me. I don't miss her, but I can have flashbacks about finding out things or I still wonder if that other time if something happened.
Go ahead and accept that you have been cheated on - because I would bet anything it happened. Don't wonder about it. Accept it and move on.
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FSTL
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #4 on:
February 16, 2017, 09:24:41 AM »
Quote from: AustenJ on February 16, 2017, 08:33:31 AM
I think she did enjoy me as a friend with benefits... .I was just a coping mechanism for her--what she needed at that point in her life. But this will always be her reality.
This (FWB) is what my uBPDx asked me for a few times when we broke up. When I said no, she went back to exclusive. Then she insisted on me being exclusive and got angry at any sign of infidelity on my part (all of it imagined by her... .).
You nailed when you said we are a coping mechanism from what they want at a a particular point in their life.
Sad thing for her - she will always be like that. Good thing for us... .we won't be there to see it.
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AustenJ
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #5 on:
February 16, 2017, 10:06:12 AM »
And when I tried to catch her cheating I did not like the paranoid person that I was becoming... .in any other non-pbd relationship I would have listened to my gut... .proof or no proof... .and would have kicked her to the curb. But as we know as ex-lovers of borderlines our spider-sense goes out the window with our reason and sensibilities.
Only once I staked out her place early in the morning. There was a strange car parked in front that I did not recognize... .I even went to her next door neighbor because they shared a lot and asked him if that car belonged to him or a friend of his... .of course, he had never seen that vehicle and it did not belong to him... .there was no answer at my exgf door that I pounded on hard enough to wake the dead... .of course, no answer. She finally responded to a text that she had taken an early morning hike... .alone... .on our trail. When I asked about the vehicle in front of her place she said it probably belonged to a friend of the neighbor... .hah! I told her that I had already talked to her neighbor and it was not his nor his friend's... .she did not respond directly to my statement... .instead she sent me a picture of the trail... .then she sent me a pic of her empty car sitting at the top of the trail... .me doth thinks the lady protests too much... .she then berated me and said I could not just stop by unannounced and pound on her door (we actually had it scheduled for me to come over that morning and cuddle with her in bed... .the day before we also had planned to cuddle after I got off work in the morning too... .but she had ubered home from the bars at 4am and a guy friend had joined her on the same uber and was so drunk he passed out and wasn't able to make it home so he just spent the night with her but slept on the couch... .absolutely no spider-sense)
so I'm thinking it's the same uber guy from yesterday... .he had such a great time with her the night before that he drove his own vehicle this time and spent the night again(on the couch) and then got up to hike with her on our trail... .I was such an idiot... .
I thought maybe he was still in her apartment so I sat across the street watching her front door... .it was the only way in or out of her apartment... .I indicated (lied) to her that I was across town when I was still sitting in front of her place... .suddenly a guy appears from the back of the house and hops in that vehicle and takes off... .hmmmmmm
The crazy thing is that I followed him... .of course, he had no idea who I was until he probably called my ex and asked what I drove... .he then stepped on the gas when he realized I was following him... .totally out of character for me... .I'm a middle school English teacher for god's sake... .
I figured it out that she had dropped him off about a quarter mile from her place and he had cut through the back yards to get to his vehicle... .and I did what many do in BPD relationships... .I decided I had an overactive imagination and ignored it... .
Crazy begets crazy... .
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #6 on:
February 16, 2017, 10:20:05 AM »
Oh man you are giving me flashbacks...
They turn us into people that we are not. I did not like the paranoid person I was becoming. I have never had a relationship like that before. Never was I the irrational paranoid guy.
I caught mine cheating a couple of times and still looked past it. There were so many cases just like yours where I was consumed by it.
They will always cheat and lie. They will never admit to it. It's weird how we lose our spidey-sense gut feelings. I would have walked away a hundred times with any other girl. They have a way of manipulating and exploiting us - it's scary. I'm now going on 3 months NC - and it feels great to be free, but I still have " flashbacks " of times were I'm pretty sure she was cheating but didn't have solid proof and of course she would never admit.
Thank god we made it out of that hell.
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #7 on:
February 16, 2017, 10:23:27 AM »
They will stick with their stories or give out different versions of them - and what happens is that you get GASLIGHTED.
You start believing these ridiculous explanations... .How many times have your friends looked at you and said " You are the crazy one for sticking with that mess " or " You do know that what she is saying is complete BS "
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #8 on:
February 16, 2017, 10:30:57 AM »
Yea we accept their lies for some reason. You know good as well what happened that night. Why we entertain these shenanigans for so long is the bigger question.
We have to start using out intuition again. There is no telling how much stuff we DONT know about. Pat yourself on the back for walking away from this.
Congrats on becoming your normal self again. It takes time to heal. You are a survivor and now have your life back.
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earlyL
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Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #9 on:
February 16, 2017, 10:39:56 AM »
I have found telling people my story about my ex cheating has really helped me as every single person says you have to get away as far as possible. Hearing the story out loud stops it feeling so normal in my head. Why do we stay with these people? My T and I talked lots about gut instinct. She told me that we often don't follow it which seems bonkers. I know I hid from what I knew was wrong. Even when it all came to light, I still said I would stand by her. I would never have done that in a normal relationship.
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AustenJ
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #10 on:
February 16, 2017, 11:06:04 AM »
I still have that picture of that vehicle and license plate on my phone... .I was going to delete it with the rest of the pics of my ex, but I decided to keep it for now as a reminder of what kind of person I became with her... .
She arrived in my town 5 years ago because she followed a boyfriend from college who got a job here... .they dated her less than two years out of the 5 because in her words she was screwing around with many other guys... .go figure... .HELLOO... .giant red flag! But no... .because I was special and the best she had ever had... .
But this ex was still her best friend ever and she would still eat dinner with him and his roommate once a week (she was probably the meat in their sandwich). She had this really strange loyalty to him even though she continually cheated on him... .he was there for her in college when she attempted suicide and was in rehab for her drinking and purging (she was a triathlete in college yet thought she was fat). Talk about codependent relationships... .even as a "best friend" he still would periodically check in on her and get her up out of bed on her bad days and would still text her mom about her stressing... .
She eventually shared that this best friend would be the guy she would eventually marry and live happily ever after with when she finally stopped screwing around on him... .totally delusional! How is it ever ever possible to remain best friends with your xBPDgf? He must have just used her as a sex tool and manipulated her as much as she manipulated him... .but why would he risk an STD knowing she was sleeping with dozens of guys? Crazy!
I immediately got checked for STDs and got cleared when the relationship ended... .because she always insisted on unprotected sex, her form of birth control was the morning after pill... .she was a good Catholic girl
She ended up staying at his place for 2 drama filled weeks until he finally left the state due to him being layed off from his engineering job... .of course, because of our relationship, she insisted that she sleep on his couch and not in his bed... .gah! I had given her a very nice promise/engagement ring of sorts (thinking that would deter her from her whoring ways) that she wore on her wedding ring finger... .she swore that she would continue to wear it when she was at her best friend's house... .of course, she would come directly from his house to work and my ring would be on her other hand... .ugh
I was stupid enough to think the drama would end when he finally did leave... .I spent a week getting her back to as normal as a borderline can be when she told me very matter-of-factly that she was flying out to see him for 10 days in two weeks... .LMFAO! What? She said she and he were doing an intervention with his alcoholic father... .the ex wanted her there since she had met his father once and she could share her troubles with alcohol with him... .I suggested that perhaps she would have more impact if she was actually getting treatment for her BPD and related coping issues: cutting, purging, vaping, alcohol abuse, impulsive reckless sex... .
of course when she came back she said she only spent about 10 minutes with his dad because they were pretty busy being on a ski trip... .I asked if he made her sleep on the couch... .she refused to answer that and then discarded me... .
He may be actually crazier than her to put up with all of her known sleeping around... .they totally deserve each other... .
As Mel Gibson's character says at the end of Braveheart... .FREEEEEEEEEDOM!
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #11 on:
February 16, 2017, 01:15:08 PM »
That's not the life I want to live either. I can't imagine the weird dynamic going on with her BFF or whatever you all it.
Let the crazy people do their crazy things. They love drama.
You are awesome for moving on. It's funny how you can look at other people's crazy stuff and you can be like " What the heck are you thinking having anything to do with her " ... .but my stories are pretty damn similar and I stayed in when I should have run from all the thousand red flags... .
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marti644
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #12 on:
February 16, 2017, 01:50:12 PM »
Thanks for all your comments. Much appreciated. Super said it best,
"Thank god we made it out of that hell."
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #13 on:
February 16, 2017, 02:22:56 PM »
As much as I don't care for Mel Gibson for obvious reasons, I do enjoy the illustration of William Wallace's character shouting " FREEEEDDOOMMM "
Let's find ourselves again! Let's go out and enjoy life! Time to dust off those old hobbies we have neglected. Let's call up some old friends. Go on ticketmaster and see who is coming to your city. Remember that project you didn't finish?
Life gives us hardships by itself that we have no control over. Let's not keep people who manifest drama and hurt out of thin air on top of all the "real" issues that come up in life.
We will find someone who loves us like we love them. They will be there to enjoy the good times and also weather through the bad times with. The pwBPD will never have that because they lack a certain humanity called empathy.
They will never put someone else's feelings first if it conflicts with their own.
Whether you feel sorry for them or see them as monsters is up to you. Just understand they aren't compatible with a healthy relationship.
We will look back at our exBPD experiences the way we remember ancient history or girlfriends/boyfriends from many many years ago.
It's time to heal.
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Rayban
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #14 on:
February 16, 2017, 04:33:36 PM »
3 months after the last contact and I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and I'll think about her cheating. She would gaslight me and deny everything at first then later on it would become that she did see an ex or some other guy but just as friends. Near the end she would drop hints that she actually did see other guys, and it's this part that keeps me awake at night. It's not healthy, and despite eventually rationalizing that I don't want to be with somone who will continue to use men to serve what ever need she has at the moment. It could be from simply needing to be desired to having someone there to dump her emotional garbage.
She also use to triangulate me with some guy who she says has been a friend for 5 years. I guess he's her main chump for sticking by her. Then there is all the other randoms and by all the stories she's told me about partying there is a boat load of guys she's been with. Just on facebook alone there is a series of guys who who post likes to every picture. These are the ones who I suspect stick around and use her or she uses them for sex. Just that in itself should be enough to stop thinking about her and thank God I got away std free.
I also got the proposal to stick around and be available to her. Sort of a last ditch effort to keep around for a rainy day. This from a woman who told me that she has whole families against her for how she treated their son, or brother. What gets me is that at 31 she's still going strong despite knowing that there is something fundamentally wrong with her behaviour and she continues going through guy after guy. What happens at age 40 when her looks catch up to her age? Despite a hard life of partying drinking and smoking like a sailor and little sleep, she has immaculate skin (almost baby like) don't know if she's had surgery or whatever but that hasto eventually catch up. She yo-yo' s with her weight as she also binge eats. I guess she still fights to survive the only way she knows how.
I
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hopealways
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #15 on:
February 22, 2017, 08:19:45 PM »
I think all of us had suspicions of them cheating even if we never caught them in the act.
I believe we should trust our instincts because we are results of millions of years of evolution, and our instincts have allowed our genes to survive this long, so they must be right.
The BPD through gaslighting makes us believe we are the crazy ones.
Not so.
Don't fall for it.
If you trusted your gut you would have left after the honeymoon phase.
Hang in there, remain NC, it gets better.
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #16 on:
February 22, 2017, 09:44:18 PM »
There is a Netflix doc on intuition made by some Sweedish woman. Just search for "Intuition". Intuition is ALOT smarter than one might think. Our brain is collecting all sorts of information around us - and I mean from everywhere. We do not know it is doing this, but it's figuring out things for us all the time in the background and then gives us urges that we have to decide to act on or ignore.
It's really quite fascinating!
I have no idea why we choose to ignore it when we are with a pwBPD. That would be an interesting topic right there.
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hopealways
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #17 on:
February 22, 2017, 09:48:48 PM »
Quote from: SuperJew82 on February 22, 2017, 09:44:18 PM
There is a Netflix doc on intuition made by some Sweedish woman. Just search for "Intuition". Intuition is ALOT smarter than one might think. Our brain is collecting all sorts of information around us - and I mean from everywhere. We do not know it is doing this, but it's figuring out things for us all the time in the background and then gives us urges that we have to decide to act on or ignore.
It's really quite fascinating!
I have no idea why we choose to ignore it when we are with a pwBPD. That would be an interesting topic right there.
YES it is called INN SAEI. We choose to ignore it because our primal emotional self takes over our intuitive self. This is super dangerous but because of many of our childhood dynamics one which we crave to recreate in the BPD like a drug.
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #18 on:
February 22, 2017, 10:18:24 PM »
It normally hardly ever fails on me. I rely on my instincts like John Wayne relies on his revolver to keep him safe, or Picard and his shields, or carebears rely on their tummies... .you get the idea... .
It's like she tailored her entire self to fit what I was looking for. An example would be... .she started complimenting me to the point where I was uncomfortable... .I don't really like compliments that much, and I could tell she picked up on that, so the compliments just stopped and then she started focusing on things I liked. She was brilliant at this in so many ways.
It's been a metaphorical few months since NC. After ending it a dozen times, the last was the final. I am finally feeling at peace now. The "flashbacks" have pretty much gone away. I don't feel the addiction of getting to my phone to check for manipulative messages and drama. I'm not living in a paranoid anxiety-stricken reality.
I'm me. I'm content. Yes, I want to find someone to share my life with eventually, but right now I'm really getting used to loving time with myself.
I am a tiny bit worried that when her new relationship falls apart she is going to find a way to sneak back into my life. I know her. She will. Everyone on this forum says it will happen. I should have a plan for this.
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hopealways
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #19 on:
February 23, 2017, 11:06:02 PM »
Quote from: SuperJew82 on February 22, 2017, 10:18:24 PM
It normally hardly ever fails on me. I rely on my instincts like John Wayne relies on his revolver to keep him safe, or Picard and his shields, or carebears rely on their tummies... .you get the idea... .
It's like she tailored her entire self to fit what I was looking for. An example would be... .she started complimenting me to the point where I was uncomfortable... .I don't really like compliments that much, and I could tell she picked up on that, so the compliments just stopped and then she started focusing on things I liked. She was brilliant at this in so many ways.
It's been a metaphorical few months since NC. After ending it a dozen times, the last was the final. I am finally feeling at peace now. The "flashbacks" have pretty much gone away. I don't feel the addiction of getting to my phone to check for manipulative messages and drama. I'm not living in a paranoid anxiety-stricken reality.
I'm me. I'm content. Yes, I want to find someone to share my life with eventually, but right now I'm really getting used to loving time with myself.
I am a tiny bit worried that when her new relationship falls apart she is going to find a way to sneak back into my life. I know her. She will.
Everyone on this forum says it will happen. I should have a plan for this.
As they say with BPD relationships, it aint over til the fat lady sings.
A few months ago I can say that I would jump at the suggestion of meeting up.
Today I say I will never open the door on her even if she begs me or sleeps on the curb in front of my house.
It won't happen. Not anymore.
If you can get to this stage then you are a happier person than you were before you met her.
Hang in there.
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SuperJew82
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #20 on:
February 23, 2017, 11:23:54 PM »
I agree. That is where I'm at right now. If she started banging on my door right now, I would call the police. There is no doubt. I don't think she is evil, and I would love the idea that she is getting therapy - but she is absolutely destructive and I'm an exploitable person. I'm working on myself right now - but since I still have vulnerabilities, my survival instinct is kicking in and saying " never again " and I will keep that distance no matter what.
It's like if you recovering alcoholic who wants their healthy life back, you aren't going to hang out for wine tasting events and hit all the happy hours. You are going to stay the heck away from your weakness. Maybe one day once you are stronger, you can go out for happy hour with your coworkers and drink a pepsi without a problem - but that takes years.
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MiserableMostly
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 43
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #21 on:
February 24, 2017, 01:33:47 AM »
It is so funny reading people's cheating stories because they all seem so ridiculous. It seems so absurd that anyone would put up with that behavior. Then I started writing out my own cheating story and I realized that mine seems equally ridiculous.
It's like, 'She slept on his couch multiple times? How the hell do you stay with someone AFTER THAT?" "Okay, let me tell you my more reasonable story about how she texted her ex every day then had dinner with him on Valentine's Day and didn't come home... .oh no."
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AustenJ
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Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #22 on:
February 24, 2017, 11:47:51 AM »
MiserableMostly-
Early in our relationship she would always leave her phone up so I could see who was texting her... .then I noticed that she started getting texts from people other than her family, and I would ask her who is that? Oh it was an old guy friend from college who had just moved to town... .then she would get flowers from a guy she said was stalking her... .then she started putting her phone face down at work... .and then she complained that students were seeing my KIK notification texts on her phone and she would turn the KIK notification app off... .and then at home she started having her phone glued to her side and always put it face down... .then she decided my alarm clock wasn't reliable enough and insisted that she sleep with her phone, face-down, next to her... .for her own alarm... .
near the end I took her phone in the middle of the night... .she had gone to bed early, and she sleeps like the dead... .and, of course, there were about 20 texts from guys, I'm sure expecting her to be out and available to them on a Friday night... .
Now that the FOG lifting, it's crazy what I put up with
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SuperJew82
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 301
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #23 on:
February 24, 2017, 12:35:48 PM »
Oh yes. I had the same EXACT experience with her and her phone/texting antics. It's scary how identical our stories are.
Same warning signs... .quickly putting her phone down when I would come close. Text at odd hours, etc,etc
I did the same thing in the middle of night. I remember my palms getting sweaty and my heart racing as I snuck her phone out and replaced it with my identical phone. Just maybe would I find nothing and I would feel silly.
I walked out the bedroom and found the same things. I felt like throwing up. It was like a mini panic attack. She even changed the contact names on them to girl names.
This same story happened more than once... .
Then I realized, I was the paranoid guy snooping on someone's phone.
I don't ever want to be that guy again.
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hopealways
aka moving4ward
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Posts: 725
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
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Reply #24 on:
February 24, 2017, 08:44:54 PM »
Quote from: SuperJew82 on February 24, 2017, 12:35:48 PM
Oh yes. I had the same EXACT experience with her and her phone/texting antics. It's scary how identical our stories are.
Same warning signs... .quickly putting her phone down when I would come close. Text at odd hours, etc,etc
I did the same thing in the middle of night. I remember my palms getting sweaty and my heart racing as I snuck her phone out and replaced it with my identical phone. Just maybe would I find nothing and I would feel silly.
I walked out the bedroom and found the same things. I felt like throwing up. It was like a mini panic attack. She even changed the contact names on them to girl names.
This same story happened more than once... .
Then I realized,
I was the paranoid guy snooping on someone's phone.
I don't ever want to be that guy again.
IN BOLD: were any of us really paranoid though? Or was it our intuition telling us hey something is wrong here get out! That's why we had anxiety, our bodies were rejecting her yet our emotional primal self was staying. Mine called me paranoid many times, but now as the fog lifts I realized that EVERY single suspicion I ever had was valid.
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Rayban
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Posts: 502
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
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Reply #25 on:
February 25, 2017, 08:39:12 PM »
Other example of how they all seem to have the same play book. I was having supper at her place on a Saturday night and her phone rings. She looked but didn't answer. Later in the evening she wanted to show me something on her phone and she purposely swiped to her missed call showing that her ex was calling her.
It's pure manipulation, showing they have options and that we should feel lucky that they are spending time with us. It's sick.
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MiserableMostly
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Posts: 43
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #26 on:
March 09, 2017, 12:04:49 AM »
@Rayban
Reading that comment made me realize that when she does something like that it's out of fear of abandonment. It's manipulation, yes, but I don't think it's some kind of sick sadistic manipulation. I think it's more like a child saying, look see, you better do whatever I say because there's a guy right around the corner. I don't know why but having it come from that POV makes me feel better.
Funny thing is towards the end of the relationship I would do this ___ right back to her. One time I opened up Bumble and kept swiping just to show her how many matches I got. Thank God it was a bunch. (I knew that it would happen because I hadn't opened it in forever.) But she would say, 'That's so rude and mean that you'd show me that.' Or 'I can't believe you're showing me this.' If she does it and you question it, you're a monster. If you do it, you're a monster.
The worst thing we can do with a BPD is give them any power. And by wanting them, they have all the power. They should be treated like a plastic bag floating in the wind. Just complete indifference is the only immunity.
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UnforgivenII
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Posts: 316
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #27 on:
March 09, 2017, 04:03:51 AM »
Quote from: MiserableMostly on March 09, 2017, 12:04:49 AM
@Rayban
Reading that comment made me realize that when she does something like that it's out of fear of abandonment. It's manipulation, yes, but I don't think it's some kind of sick sadistic manipulation. I think it's more like a child saying, look see, you better do whatever I say because there's a guy right around the corner. I don't know why but having it come from that POV makes me feel better.
The worst thing we can do with a BPD is give them any power. And by wanting them, they have all the power. They should be treated like a plastic bag floating in the wind. Just complete indifference is the only immunity.
Even if it is childlike it does not mean it is not sadistic.
I agree 100% with your last statement. If only I had reached that point already... .
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FSTL
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 191
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #28 on:
March 09, 2017, 08:15:47 AM »
Quote from: MiserableMostly on March 09, 2017, 12:04:49 AM
The worst thing we can do with a BPD is give them any power. And by wanting them, they have all the power. They should be treated like a plastic bag floating in the wind. Just complete indifference is the only immunity.
I can identify with this. Mine was sorry for cheating (because she thought she would lose me), I acted like it was over and she then turned things around and I ended up chasing her. It was like hell after that as she just took advantage of the power... .until I acted with indifference - then she chased me.
The problem with knowing that is that indifference can be manipulation or a red rag to a BPD bull. Better to make them think they have some power and then disengage on the basis they don't think they need to chase you to win by dumping you again.
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blueblue12
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Posts: 206
Re: Realization of infidelity in the relationship, lies about past relationships
«
Reply #29 on:
March 10, 2017, 02:33:02 PM »
So many stories here, so many connected stories, its just crazy and I do agree with you guys, why did we put up with this crazy stuff?
My ex was always on the phone, always texting or if I ever ask I would get "you are so controlling, jealous guy, get some help", etc... .but you know what? I was always right! And I knew it. At times like many here I chose to ignore it, why? Because I was addicted to her, to her charm, to the sex, whatever, etc... .but deep down I knew the entire marriage was fake, which is sad.
I mean I was super committed but somehow I could not really trust everything she would say. That is quite sad in a marriage which lasted ten years.
At the end she left me as she decided we needed to move on. I went NC after our last day and then she freaked and started to contact me crazily. I still went NC. Three months later, she is texting me crazily. I did reply to say we should move on. After a few months I feel calm and my perspective on the relationship its sound. It is done.
But she is going off, crazily. She admitted now that she had been "in a relationship towards the end of ours" yes sure, of course I knew that, but she never told me at the time! But now she tells me that it didn't work out because the guy "is selfish, self centered, horrible" and she is "done with him." And I thought wow she found her match and did not like it one bit!
Now though she "loves me, I am the one, always were, and we need to make a new start, a fresh start" I am as she puts it the "love of her life" and I need to "forgive her for her mistakes" crazy stuff right? She even said if she knew where I was living (have not disclose this) she would "sleep outside my door"!
Beautiful loving words, I am one lucky guy! What the heck right?
A T said recently to me if your son was telling a story like this about his relationship what would your advice be? There you go, the reply to your son is your answer.
Take care everyone... .
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