Hi, I'm new here.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'll start with the short version.
Hello, I'm hanging in there.

I've only recently learned that a BPD support group even existed. I'll give a little bit about myself and where I'm coming from, what lead me here, and I guess what I'm hoping to get out of this.

I was recently recommended The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder after hitting a snag with my wife and remembering that she had told me eary in our dating that she was diagnosed with BPD when she was younger. We've been together 11 years, married 8. She told me at the time that I should call her out on it if she snapped at me. I never really thought much of it at the time or did any research on it until just recently.
I have history with depression and have developed issues with anxiety. My depression stems from the loss of my mother. She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and passed away in 2004 on the morning of my 21st birthday. My father passed away in 2019 after spending a week in a coma due to an accident. Now that I've been doing some reading/research I'd say there was a high probability that he had BPD himself. After my mother passed, I kinda shut down emotionally. I was still in my childhood home with my Father and younger sister, at least until she started college and he rented a cabin for himself as an escape and started blowing through all the money he had. He bought cars, musical instruments, art... it was all "an investment" and nothing we said could stop him. He was also an alcoholic. It got to the point where he burned through his money, bills weren't being paid, things would get turned off, etc. Most of our interactions far a while were him needing money from me. I'd write him literal blank check to keep my sister in school or I'd have to make the calls to have utilities turned back on when he wasn't paying bills. This went on until I was 29 and I made the decision that I had to get out while I could. I didn't date at all, I was embarrassed by how I lived my life and wouldn't subject anyone to my dad while I lived there. I managed to find a foreclosure I could swing, having a roommate lined up already helped, and made a break for it. It wasn't an easy time between me and my dad. My sister moved out as well a year or so later and, for the first time in his life, my dad had to take care of himself. Our relationship improved after that.
By the age of 31, I was finally at a point in my life where I was ready to start dating (pretty late to just start). When I met my wife we lived over 200 miles apart. We seemed to instantly click. We talked/texted constantly, took turns making the drive to spend weekends together. I didn't think much at the time of how much of my time she demanded, how she'd get upset if I didn't respond quickly enough. We'd talk until we fell asleep at night, or rather, I'd talk her to sleep. I'd tell stories of my childhood or whatever popped into my mind and occasionally throw in an "I love you", if I didn't get a response I knew I could finally let myself fall asleep, sometimes in tears. I was getting under 5 hours of sleep in those days. I figured all of this was normal, I had no context, and growing up with my father without ever even hearing about BPD before, I didn't recognize any signs. She would snap at me at times, perceive things I did as things some of her exes did, but in my head this was all how a relationship was supposed to be. I did nearly break things off with her twice before we got engaged, once while we were long distance, and once while we were living together. I always felt like I was hurting her and not giving her what she needed. We talked everything out and obviously stayed together. She still occasionally asks my if she made me stay. I started seeing a councilor for the first time in our long distance phase. I was sleep deprived (though I don't think I admitted that to myself at the time) and was finally processing everything from my mom's passing after 10 years, or that's what I told myself, it was multiple things and I'm sure at least some if it was a symptom of something I wasn't seeing until recently. I was having suicidal thoughts. I ended up seeing a councilor my myself for a second time a couple years ago after maybe the 3rd time I pushed for us to see someone together as a couple. There had been points in our relationship where even she has suggested this but when push came to shove she ultimately was against seeing someone herself. I took the opportunity to go myself and started to learn how to set boundaries. I've picked back up some of the hobbies I lost and have been trying myself to take more me time. Even then the thoughts of BPD hadn't even entered my mind. My councilor left the practice a couple years back and I've been trying to continue on my own since.
It was only recently that I remembered her mentioning her diagnosis. I was venting after she had snapped at me before work one morning a couple weeks ago and it clicked. She was getting dressed to go for a pre-work run and had to come downstairs to get clothing out of the dryer while I was eating breakfast. She started off with an "Oh, hey" in a flirty way as we tend to do when one of us is in a state of undress. She made a comment about having to take her clothes upstairs and I responded "I'm certainly not mad at the situation." She immediately snapped at me saying that she just wanted to have "one conversation" without me hitting on her. She apologized pretty quickly but i was so thrown that I could feel my anxiety and depression ramping up through the work day. I was near tears at one point. It took until then, in my early 40s, that things clicked into place and what I've perceived as "normal" my whole life has not been.

I guess what I'm looking to do is to protect myself more. Take back more of my life for me. Once a week I currently play D&D with friends via zoom. My wife has admitted that she gets jealous hearing me laughing with them and in the past I've nearly let that ruin it for me but I stuck with it. I also play poker at a friend's once a month and have cut out a little time to play video games again.

[BigMac]

I'll start with the short version.
Hello, I'm hanging in there.

I've only recently learned that a BPD support group even existed. I'll give a little bit about myself and where I'm coming from, what lead me here, and I guess what I'm hoping to get out of this.

I was recently recommended The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder after hitting a snag with my wife and remembering that she had told me eary in our dating that she was diagnosed with BPD when she was younger. We've been together 11 years, married 8. She told me at the time that I should call her out on it if she snapped at me. I never really thought much of it at the time or did any research on it until just recently.
I have history with depression and have developed issues with anxiety. My depression stems from the loss of my mother. She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and passed away in 2004 on the morning of my 21st birthday. My father passed away in 2019 after spending a week in a coma due to an accident. Now that I've been doing some reading/research I'd say there was a high probability that he had BPD himself. After my mother passed, I kinda shut down emotionally. I was still in my childhood home with my Father and younger sister, at least until she started college and he rented a cabin for himself as an escape and started blowing through all the money he had. He bought cars, musical instruments, art... it was all "an investment" and nothing we said could stop him. He was also an alcoholic. It got to the point where he burned through his money, bills weren't being paid, things would get turned off, etc. Most of our interactions far a while were him needing money from me. I'd write him literal blank check to keep my sister in school or I'd have to make the calls to have utilities turned back on when he wasn't paying bills. This went on until I was 29 and I made the decision that I had to get out while I could. I didn't date at all, I was embarrassed by how I lived my life and wouldn't subject anyone to my dad while I lived there. I managed to find a foreclosure I could swing, having a roommate lined up already helped, and made a break for it. It wasn't an easy time between me and my dad. My sister moved out as well a year or so later and, for the first time in his life, my dad had to take care of himself. Our relationship improved after that.
By the age of 31, I was finally at a point in my life where I was ready to start dating (pretty late to just start). When I met my wife we lived over 200 miles apart. We seemed to instantly click. We talked/texted constantly, took turns making the drive to spend weekends together. I didn't think much at the time of how much of my time she demanded, how she'd get upset if I didn't respond quickly enough. We'd talk until we fell asleep at night, or rather, I'd talk her to sleep. I'd tell stories of my childhood or whatever popped into my mind and occasionally throw in an "I love you", if I didn't get a response I knew I could finally let myself fall asleep, sometimes in tears. I was getting under 5 hours of sleep in those days. I figured all of this was normal, I had no context, and growing up with my father without ever even hearing about BPD before, I didn't recognize any signs. She would snap at me at times, perceive things I did as things some of her exes did, but in my head this was all how a relationship was supposed to be. I did nearly break things off with her twice before we got engaged, once while we were long distance, and once while we were living together. I always felt like I was hurting her and not giving her what she needed. We talked everything out and obviously stayed together. She still occasionally asks my if she made me stay. I started seeing a councilor for the first time in our long distance phase. I was sleep deprived (though I don't think I admitted that to myself at the time) and was finally processing everything from my mom's passing after 10 years, or that's what I told myself, it was multiple things and I'm sure at least some if it was a symptom of something I wasn't seeing until recently. I was having suicidal thoughts. I ended up seeing a councilor my myself for a second time a couple years ago after maybe the 3rd time I pushed for us to see someone together as a couple. There had been points in our relationship where even she has suggested this but when push came to shove she ultimately was against seeing someone herself. I took the opportunity to go myself and started to learn how to set boundaries. I've picked back up some of the hobbies I lost and have been trying myself to take more me time. Even then the thoughts of BPD hadn't even entered my mind. My councilor left the practice a couple years back and I've been trying to continue on my own since.
It was only recently that I remembered her mentioning her diagnosis. I was venting after she had snapped at me before work one morning a couple weeks ago and it clicked. She was getting dressed to go for a pre-work run and had to come downstairs to get clothing out of the dryer while I was eating breakfast. She started off with an "Oh, hey" in a flirty way as we tend to do when one of us is in a state of undress. She made a comment about having to take her clothes upstairs and I responded "I'm certainly not mad at the situation." She immediately snapped at me saying that she just wanted to have "one conversation" without me hitting on her. She apologized pretty quickly but i was so thrown that I could feel my anxiety and depression ramping up through the work day. I was near tears at one point. It took until then, in my early 40s, that things clicked into place and what I've perceived as "normal" my whole life has not been.

I guess what I'm looking to do is to protect myself more. Take back more of my life for me. Once a week I currently play D&D with friends via zoom. My wife has admitted that she gets jealous hearing me laughing with them and in the past I've nearly let that ruin it for me but I stuck with it. I also play poker at a friend's once a month and have cut out a little time to play video games again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mendingway26]

Welcome, BigMac — glad you found this place. I'm new here too (first posted this week), and your intro resonated with me more than I expected.

What struck me most wasn't the BPD part, honestly — it was losing your mom at 21, on your birthday of all days, and then finding yourself writing blank checks and calling utility companies for your father a few years later. You went from being the kid to being the responsible adult for everyone around you almost overnight. "I'll start with the short version" and "hanging in there" sound exactly like someone who learned early that his own needs go last. That kind of shutdown doesn't just undo itself, and it makes sense that anxiety built up quietly underneath it for years.

One thing I've been chewing on since I started reading here: a lot of us grew up managing someone's big emotions, and then ended up in relationships where we're... still managing someone's big emotions. It feels familiar, so it feels like love. Not a verdict on your marriage — just a pattern worth being curious about as you read.

The Essential Family Guide is the one most people here start with, so you're on a good path. If you feel like sharing — what was the snag that recently sent you looking for answers after 11 years? That's usually where the real conversation starts.

Glad you're here.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  My journey is so much like yours- looking back, I'm pretty sure my mom had BPD as well.  I came from a good household, lots of daily ranting from my mom, but my dad knew how to handle/avoid it and their marriage somehow worked.  My first wife was also BPD and I didn't realize how unnormal things were between us.  I went through the same patterns and slowly discarded my hobbies, my friends, my sanity in order to appease my wife.  Meanwhile, she was always on the run and I was always at home waiting on her.

We separated maybe 5 years ago and eventually divorced.  She was having an active affair so there was no coming back from it.  Yet, we saved the relationship so we could be mom/dad by learning how to communicate once again.  I learned to validate her feelings (not her "facts", just her feelings) and show empathy when she was sturggling.  She learned that I wasn't the enemy and it wasn't okay to take her frustrations out on me.  Slowly, over time, we found a balance that worked and we are actual friends once again.

Looking back, I realize now that if I would have found this site maybe a year earlier and recognized what was going on, I could have saved the marriage.  And you're already starting to walk that path- sticking to boundaries in a compassionate way, learning to communicate, learning to work through therapy to find middle ground.  It's a lot, I know, and you'll continue to get it wrong at times.  It is entirely possible to turn things around though and have a strong relationship once again.

I also have a BPD daughter, which is a big reason why I had to find a middle ground with my BPD ex.  We had to work together as mom and dad whenever our kid is in crisis...I refused to have it any other way.  The kid bad mouths me frequently to mom, mom bad mouths me frequently to the kid, but that's okay.  My relationship is good with both of them and it was worth the fight to get there.

I'm sure you have many questions, so I'll hold off on adding more.  I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone here and there are some that have dealt with BPD their entire lives just like you.