Blame Game

[broken mom2]

I am just so heartbroken, my daughter has told me I have never been the mom she needed and she has never felt loved in her life. I am trying so hard to be there for her but everything I do is never good enough or the right thing.I feel like I am the reason she is the way she is, maybe I wasn't a good mom. I know I did the best I could but once her father had an affair and left 14 years ago when she was 10 she has blamed me for everything it feels. My children were my everything and I only ever seen myself as a mom and nothing more. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I have realised I can be more then just a mom.
I just don't know how to respond to her negative messages anymore she even went so low to say that the reason she was triggered as a kid was because I abused her. That hurt so much because I have never abused either of my kids, but just the though of her feeling that way makes me sick to my stomach. For 10 years I have taken her putting me down, blaming me for everything that has ever happened to her and physically hurting me leaving me with bruises. I don't know if this is her BPD talking but it is killing me to know this is what she is feeling. All I have ever wanted to do was protect my kids and I can't take this pain away for her and I am feeling like I am failing her once again.
I tried to give my kids a wonderful childhood, doing Disney trips every year, coaching and managing hockey teams for them and staying home with them until they started school. So it hurts to know how she feels about all of it. I just want to fix everything for her but I don't know what to do anymore....

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

Dear Broken Mom 2,

My heart goes out to you.  How excruciating.

Obviously, I don't know what kind of mom you were.  But I do know that if she's saying you abused her but you didn't, then she is not a reliable narrator. And I also know that the fact that you can't take her pain away doesn't mean you are failing her; that's the reality of bpd.

Do you have a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on families helping you?

[Pook075]

Hi mom!

Just remember that "feelings are not facts!"

For instance, my daughter made a comment the other day that her credit is ruined because of me.  She begged me to co-sign on a car, she blew up the car's engine by ignoring the check oil light, then the car was repo'd when she couldn't afford to fix it.  Her credit was ruined because she was highly irresponsible. 

Again, feelings are not facts.  However, BPD feelings can lead to them saying horrible things when they feel bad to make others feel bad too.  It's your choice whether or not to listen to that stuff.  Also, that doesn't mean that they've always felt that way or that they even believe it's the truth themselves- they're just projecting their pain so it can't be their own fault.