I am just so heartbroken, my daughter has told me I have never been the mom she needed and she has never felt loved in her life. I am trying so hard to be there for her but everything I do is never good enough or the right thing.
Hi there Broken,
I'm so sorry you've reached us feeling broken, but I think most parents here can relate.
If you'll allow me a little mind reading here, what I see is you have an intelligent daughter. Why? Because her accusations are both plausible and irrefutible. She says you've "never been the mom she NEEDED" and she has "never felt LOVED." Both accusations are impossible to deny. Well, sort of, because "never" is an extreme term that is likely exaggerated. Anyway, how your daughter frames her accusations indicates to me that she's likely smart and savvy, as well as manipulative. Why? Because you can't argue with her, and you also can't do anything to fix the situation. Not that you can ever fix someone else's feelings, let alone their entire life, but that's another point entirely.
I think your title sums it up well, that your daughter is playing a Blame Game. It's not a fun game to play, because you can't possibly win. She's going to blame you for ruining her life, even if you had no input on any of her decisions causing her current distress. My guess is that she does this to avoid intense feelings of shame--for making the poor decisions, wrecking relationships, feeling like a failure, not really finding her way in the adult world. At the core is her fragile, insecure sense of self, basically an inferiority complex tinged with jealousy, which feeds her victim mindset. I've written here before that I think a victim mindset is probably the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter powerless. She rejects taking responsibility for her own life and blames other people instead, especially you. But in a way, she is powerless, because her extreme emotions hijack her brain on a daily basis. She thinks others are causing her distress, and she expends all her mental bandwidth reading into ancient and current perceived slights and grievances, twisting facts and fabricating a narrative of constant trauma, even when nobody meant to hurt her. Many pwBPD can take the the blame game too far, going "nuclear" with dire threats and having frequent, angry outburts over seemingly nothing.
Let me guess, your daughter is a young adult? She's been in therapy before, but she thinks it doesn't work? I'm guessing she's had at least some therapy, because she's really homing in on her key issues: feeling both needy and unloved. Saying that you aren't the mom she needs sounds a bit like therapy-speak to me. At any rate, I think that most parents here would probably agree that their BPD kid needs a ton of emotional caretaking / reassurances / support, and that they generally feel unloved, by practically everyone. That's probably why abandonment is a huge issue for BPD.
If any of this sounds familiar, I think it's because it's classic BPD. Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise. She's smart, she's trying to push your buttons. I'm not sure which buttons she's pushing right now, but she might be pushing the generic Guilt button as well as the ATM button, or maybe the Free Housing or Free Babysitting button. She'll keep pushing these buttons until she gets what she wants. But if you don't give her what she demands, then typically she'll try estrangement, which is her way to punish you with her absence. Though you might have a temporary reprieve from the constant onslaught of negativity, you might mourn her absence, as well as the absence of any "normal" mother-daughter relationship. That too is classic BPD in my opinion.
Where does that leave you? Probably sad, worried, distressed, guilt-ridden, depressed, exhausted. That's why here we recommend self-care. If you need a break, take it. If you need therapy, get it. If you need to vent, come here, we understand. Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, and unfortunately you can't fix it. Your daughter can though, if she really wants to and takes therapy seriously.
All my best to you.
