BPD sister in law - relationship with niece and what to tell daughter

[Ros1580]

It’s my first time posting here.
Over 10 years ago, my sister posted in this group asking for advice about our brother and what she suspected was his wife’s undiagnosed BPD. Before he met his wife, my sister, my parents, and I had a very close and loving relationship with him. We had always been a close family, and there had never been any real conflict like what followed after he met his wife. My sister has since passed away from a horrible accident and I’ve been trying to piece together some of the knowledge she gathered on the situation.

My brother met his wife and they married very quickly (5 months). Things changed remarkably quickly after they got together. Their faith also became an increasingly dominant part of their lives, and all six of their children have been homeschooled, so they have grown up in a very insulated family environment.

Some of the most noticeable changes in my brother were:

* He began accusing my parents of owing them extremely large amounts of money, which was not true.
* He became obsessed with the fact that he was not respected as the eldest son and that as a result he should also inherit everything (were not a wealthy family)
* He became increasingly hostile toward my parents and eventually stopped calling my mom “Mom,” saying she no longer deserved to be called his mother.
* We started being accused of rejecting his wife when we welcomed her with open arms
* He began repeatedly accusing me of being rude, disrespectful, selfish, and of not loving him or his wife, despite my trying to maintain a calm relationship.
* Many of the hobbies and interests he had always loved, including skiing, sports, and outdoor activities, disappeared.l because all of the sudden they were dangerous and evil
* Almost all of his friendships disappeared as well. He had many close friends before the relationship and eventually became estranged from virtually all of them.
* Blaming me for spending lots of time with my sisters young children after she passed away instead of his girls (this one blew my mind)
* Moving cities without telling us, changing phone numbers, not telling us about new daughters being born
* In summary they would only reach out when they needed something. Another example I was asked to not go to university so that I could take care of their children. When I said school was important to me they stopped speaking to me

Over the years, the relationship became emotionally abusive and increasingly centered around blame and impossible-to-meet expectations. We were repeatedly told that we didn’t do enough for them, didn’t visit enough, didn’t babysit enough, didn’t help enough, or didn’t care enough about the children. Yet there were also periods when our calls and emails went unanswered, or we were prevented from seeing the children. When we did try to visit, we were sometimes aggressively kicked out and subjected to more accusations, only to later be blamed for not making an effort.

We went through about 15 years of an on and off relationship where our whole family was trying hard to retain some level of contact. I have now been no-contact with my brother for over six years. This wasn’t because I stopped caring about him or his children. I eventually reached a point where the emotional abuse, constant accusations, and conflict were affecting my emotional wellbeing to the point that I couldn’t continue participating in the relationship.

I have accepted that I cannot have a relationship with my brother and his wife. And I stand by that. The part I am struggling with now is his oldest daughter, who has just turned 19 and what I will eventually tell my own young daughter about this family dynamic.


My first question is about a potential relationship with my niece.
A few weeks ago, I happened to see my niece for the first time in 7 years. I had always hoped that once she was an adult and was able to form her own opinions there would be a way for us to build a relationship. She’s the only one from my nieces I really got to know before things got too intense with my brother.
I could tell pretty quickly that her opinion of me was the same as my brothers and her moms she was just being very polite. And with the strong faith element, I could see she was not exposing herself to new world views and opinions even now that she’s in university. And for the first time I thought maybe trying to build a relationship with her given she loves her parents as she should and I have cut them out of my life may not be possible.

I sent her a thoughtful email afterward (I didn’t have an independent way of contacting her before) but I haven’t heard back. I don’t know whether she received it, whether her parents have seen it, or whether she simply doesn’t want contact. Her parents have historically been  known to read all emails and letters.
I am considering sending one more very low-pressure email in a few weeks simply to make sure she received the first one. If I don’t hear back, I may eventually send one final message acknowledging that I eventually chose no contact with her parents and that I am sorry that this also meant losing contact with her. I want her to know that I love her, that I never stopped caring about her, and that if she ever wants a relationship with me,l or needs something the door is open. Does this sound like a reasonable way to try to communicate with her? Anything I’m missing? Or is it basically unreasonable to try to build a relationship unless she reached out to me?


My second question and concern is my daughter. I recently had a baby, and I find myself thinking about what I will eventually tell her about all of this. She has cousins she will likely never meet and I don’t know how to explain the severity of the situation without going down to my brothers level and telling her horrible things about them.
But I also worry about the future. What happens if she meets these cousins when they are all adults and they have been taught that our family abandoned them, didn’t love them, or didn’t do enough for them? What if they program her against us? I secretly want them to never meet but I know that’s not fair. But I want to make sure she understands enough that she won’t get sucked into their twisted version of events if they meet one day.
Appreciate any perspectives so much!