BPD mom had meltdown & I'm her scapegoat as usual

[Our abuse recovery guide]

For the first time in my life, I understand why I’m scared of getting close to people.

Three weeks ago, we heard that my aunt, mom’s sister, had passed unexpectedly. My mom of 80 really wanted to attend the funeral across the country but cannot travel on her own.  So, I offered to help her travel, big mistake for me.  But I’m a good daughter, and my golden boy brother would not have helped her.  Ive known about her BPD for nearly 20yrs, but she is undiagnosed.  She is not well enough to speak to about it.  In fact, she is incapable of admitting fault to anything.

Long story short, the night of the funeral she saw my cousin and I taking a 30min break from the chaos of organizing a casket funeral in just 5 days!!!!  Still not sure how we pulled that off! And mom got jealous and made up a reason she needed to “speak” to me later that evening.  Upon arriving later to speak with her, I was ambushed and she screamed at me and even became physical.  I just told her I would not speak to her until she calmed down and tried to leave.  She blocked me and grabbed my arm twice.  I just kept walking away and saying the same thing.  She then called my cousin and talked with her for an hour.  The next day, she lied about everything that happened to the family that was there. She even told my cousin’s father, her brother, that she’s evil.  Told me I’m not a Christian and I’m evil.    

I believe she was disassociating during her outburst; she gets this crazy looking stare in her eyes. There is no one there and it feels like she isn’t even focusing on you when she looks at you.   No one in the family had seen her like this before, they were all in shock.  I literally came into the kitchen at one point, and she was lying about me to them.  I didn’t say anything because this is not even about her, the others were already grieving, and I didn’t want to cause any more of a scene.

It’s been two weeks since I got her back home.  She isn’t speaking to me except for a few texts, but my brother tells me she keeps changing the story of what occurred there between us.  She is trying to make me look like a horrible daughter, but he knows it’s all lies.  She wants so badly to blame me like always.  She is livid because she cannot assign blame to me this time.  For the first time in her life, it’s obvious I did nothing wrong. It’s the weirdest thing to witness.  After all the emotional abuse from her growing up, it helps me see how much she has injured me.

My brother and I think this episode has made her lose her mind.  She has forgotten how to use her phone, and he says her speech pattern doesn’t make sense often.  Meanwhile, I’m scared she will write me out of the family trust due to this.  I’m not as wealthy as others in my family, and she uses this leverage to control me.  In the past two weeks she kept changing who’s going to get how much and when.  

I know she’s just sick, but I’m so sad.  No one seems to remember or see me.  Ive been through her wrath and survived very well.  But no one wants to hear or see what I have been through because of her.  They all focus on “your poor mother is suffering”.  I’m hoping someone here can help me understand how you can move forward as a victim of this, when no one wants to help you, no one sees you, no one has empathy for you.

[SillyScapegoat]

For the first time in my life, I understand why I’m scared of getting close to people.

Three weeks ago, we heard that my aunt, mom’s sister, had passed unexpectedly. My mom of 80 really wanted to attend the funeral across the country but cannot travel on her own.  So, I offered to help her travel, big mistake for me.  But I’m a good daughter, and my golden boy brother would not have helped her.  Ive known about her BPD for nearly 20yrs, but she is undiagnosed.  She is not well enough to speak to about it.  In fact, she is incapable of admitting fault to anything.

Long story short, the night of the funeral she saw my cousin and I taking a 30min break from the chaos of organizing a casket funeral in just 5 days!!!!  Still not sure how we pulled that off! And mom got jealous and made up a reason she needed to “speak” to me later that evening.  Upon arriving later to speak with her, I was ambushed and she screamed at me and even became physical.  I just told her I would not speak to her until she calmed down and tried to leave.  She blocked me and grabbed my arm twice.  I just kept walking away and saying the same thing.  She then called my cousin and talked with her for an hour.  The next day, she lied about everything that happened to the family that was there. She even told my cousin’s father, her brother, that she’s evil.  Told me I’m not a Christian and I’m evil.    

I believe she was disassociating during her outburst; she gets this crazy looking stare in her eyes. There is no one there and it feels like she isn’t even focusing on you when she looks at you.   No one in the family had seen her like this before, they were all in shock.  I literally came into the kitchen at one point, and she was lying about me to them.  I didn’t say anything because this is not even about her, the others were already grieving, and I didn’t want to cause any more of a scene.

It’s been two weeks since I got her back home.  She isn’t speaking to me except for a few texts, but my brother tells me she keeps changing the story of what occurred there between us.  She is trying to make me look like a horrible daughter, but he knows it’s all lies.  She wants so badly to blame me like always.  She is livid because she cannot assign blame to me this time.  For the first time in her life, it’s obvious I did nothing wrong. It’s the weirdest thing to witness.  After all the emotional abuse from her growing up, it helps me see how much she has injured me.

My brother and I think this episode has made her lose her mind.  She has forgotten how to use her phone, and he says her speech pattern doesn’t make sense often.  Meanwhile, I’m scared she will write me out of the family trust due to this.  I’m not as wealthy as others in my family, and she uses this leverage to control me.  In the past two weeks she kept changing who’s going to get how much and when.  

I know she’s just sick, but I’m so sad.  No one seems to remember or see me.  Ive been through her wrath and survived very well.  But no one wants to hear or see what I have been through because of her.  They all focus on “your poor mother is suffering”.  I’m hoping someone here can help me understand how you can move forward as a victim of this, when no one wants to help you, no one sees you, no one has empathy for you.

[wantmorepeace]

I am so sorry.  It's definitely been my experience that death in the family sets things off.

You know who you are even if some around you do not.  This board is a great place to see your experiences replicated in other peoples' postings and to validate what is happening to you.  If you don't already have such, I recommend getting a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on family members.  You can check out the NAMI chapter near you to see if they have any family support groups.  And sometimes you can find a website of specialized resources in your area.

Hang in there!

[zachira]

You are far from alone in being the family scapegoat. The damage done to your mental and physical health during your life time is immeasurable. Do take time to feel your sadness over your mother's recent meltdown. She is using you to avoid being accountable for how she feels about herself.

In my large extended disordered family, there is at least one scapegoat in every generation along with many golden children enabled by the flying monkeys. I am the scapegoat of my generation. What has helped me the most was EMDR therapy and setting healthier boundaries with the whole family. I am a work in progress, though saddened by a lifetime of abuse, am in much better mental and physical health since I set limits on how much I would interact with the disordered family members.

There are many members here who understand what it is like to be a family scapegoat. Do post as often as you need to. I have been on this site for many years and am in a much better place than when I first became a member.

[CC43]

Hi there Scapegoat,

I'm so sorry about the latest run-in with your mom.  To think she would do that after all you did for her sister just adds insult to injury.

You might think your mom lost her marbles, but I think it sounds exactly like BPD.  If you read these boards, you'll see that emotionally charged events such as family funerals and holidays are often triggers for pwBPD.  My guess is that they can't tolerate the high emotions of the moment, let alone the fact that attention is temporarily diverted away from them.  Add to that the stress of travel, logistics and interacting with many different family members, and it's a tinderbox for pwBPD.  My guess is that your mom was jealous of all the nice things that people said and did for her sister, taking it as an insult to herself!  She believes that every second that you spent arranging a nice funeral was a second of your attention and care "stolen" from your mom.  My other guess is that your mom felt that you love your aunt more than you love her.  So what does she do?  She complains, attacks or creates a scene to reclaim your attention.  And yes, she knows your trigger (fear of losing an inheritance), which she uses to control you, like her personal slave.  When you don't do exactly what she demands exactly when she wants it, well, you're going to PAY.  That all sounds like classic BPD to me.

It's possible that your mom is scared, too, because she has intense feelings about her own mortality.  If she was close to her sister, she might feel she was abandoned.  That too could trigger her.  But if I venture a guess, my sense is that your mom and her sister probably weren't very close, because of your mom's BPD.

If your mom seems to have suddenly "lost her mind," it's certainly possible, as she is elderly.  And yet my sense is that she's feeling guilt and shame, because she knows full well that she acted badly, and that she's lying about you to others.  This creates a cognitive dissonance, which her brain can't reconcile.  Sure, she'll create a victim narrative, blaming you.  But she needs you.  And she needs the rest of the family to see her as the righteous one.  That's my read of the situation.

I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.  I'm sure you've longed to have a "normal" relationship with your mom, and you're struggling with how to be a "good" daughter while protecting yourself.  You've had to deal with this sort of thing for a lifetime.  I'd say, if you are feeling bad about the whole ordeal, you deserve a break.  Try to do something nice for yourself, as soon as possible.

All my best to you.