BPD mom had meltdown & I'm her scapegoat as usual

[Our abuse recovery guide]

For the first time in my life, I understand why I’m scared of getting close to people.

Three weeks ago, we heard that my aunt, mom’s sister, had passed unexpectedly. My mom of 80 really wanted to attend the funeral across the country but cannot travel on her own.  So, I offered to help her travel, big mistake for me.  But I’m a good daughter, and my golden boy brother would not have helped her.  Ive known about her BPD for nearly 20yrs, but she is undiagnosed.  She is not well enough to speak to about it.  In fact, she is incapable of admitting fault to anything.

Long story short, the night of the funeral she saw my cousin and I taking a 30min break from the chaos of organizing a casket funeral in just 5 days!!!!  Still not sure how we pulled that off! And mom got jealous and made up a reason she needed to “speak” to me later that evening.  Upon arriving later to speak with her, I was ambushed and she screamed at me and even became physical.  I just told her I would not speak to her until she calmed down and tried to leave.  She blocked me and grabbed my arm twice.  I just kept walking away and saying the same thing.  She then called my cousin and talked with her for an hour.  The next day, she lied about everything that happened to the family that was there. She even told my cousin’s father, her brother, that she’s evil.  Told me I’m not a Christian and I’m evil.    

I believe she was disassociating during her outburst; she gets this crazy looking stare in her eyes. There is no one there and it feels like she isn’t even focusing on you when she looks at you.   No one in the family had seen her like this before, they were all in shock.  I literally came into the kitchen at one point, and she was lying about me to them.  I didn’t say anything because this is not even about her, the others were already grieving, and I didn’t want to cause any more of a scene.

It’s been two weeks since I got her back home.  She isn’t speaking to me except for a few texts, but my brother tells me she keeps changing the story of what occurred there between us.  She is trying to make me look like a horrible daughter, but he knows it’s all lies.  She wants so badly to blame me like always.  She is livid because she cannot assign blame to me this time.  For the first time in her life, it’s obvious I did nothing wrong. It’s the weirdest thing to witness.  After all the emotional abuse from her growing up, it helps me see how much she has injured me.

My brother and I think this episode has made her lose her mind.  She has forgotten how to use her phone, and he says her speech pattern doesn’t make sense often.  Meanwhile, I’m scared she will write me out of the family trust due to this.  I’m not as wealthy as others in my family, and she uses this leverage to control me.  In the past two weeks she kept changing who’s going to get how much and when.  

I know she’s just sick, but I’m so sad.  No one seems to remember or see me.  Ive been through her wrath and survived very well.  But no one wants to hear or see what I have been through because of her.  They all focus on “your poor mother is suffering”.  I’m hoping someone here can help me understand how you can move forward as a victim of this, when no one wants to help you, no one sees you, no one has empathy for you.

[SillyScapegoat]

For the first time in my life, I understand why I’m scared of getting close to people.

Three weeks ago, we heard that my aunt, mom’s sister, had passed unexpectedly. My mom of 80 really wanted to attend the funeral across the country but cannot travel on her own.  So, I offered to help her travel, big mistake for me.  But I’m a good daughter, and my golden boy brother would not have helped her.  Ive known about her BPD for nearly 20yrs, but she is undiagnosed.  She is not well enough to speak to about it.  In fact, she is incapable of admitting fault to anything.

Long story short, the night of the funeral she saw my cousin and I taking a 30min break from the chaos of organizing a casket funeral in just 5 days!!!!  Still not sure how we pulled that off! And mom got jealous and made up a reason she needed to “speak” to me later that evening.  Upon arriving later to speak with her, I was ambushed and she screamed at me and even became physical.  I just told her I would not speak to her until she calmed down and tried to leave.  She blocked me and grabbed my arm twice.  I just kept walking away and saying the same thing.  She then called my cousin and talked with her for an hour.  The next day, she lied about everything that happened to the family that was there. She even told my cousin’s father, her brother, that she’s evil.  Told me I’m not a Christian and I’m evil.    

I believe she was disassociating during her outburst; she gets this crazy looking stare in her eyes. There is no one there and it feels like she isn’t even focusing on you when she looks at you.   No one in the family had seen her like this before, they were all in shock.  I literally came into the kitchen at one point, and she was lying about me to them.  I didn’t say anything because this is not even about her, the others were already grieving, and I didn’t want to cause any more of a scene.

It’s been two weeks since I got her back home.  She isn’t speaking to me except for a few texts, but my brother tells me she keeps changing the story of what occurred there between us.  She is trying to make me look like a horrible daughter, but he knows it’s all lies.  She wants so badly to blame me like always.  She is livid because she cannot assign blame to me this time.  For the first time in her life, it’s obvious I did nothing wrong. It’s the weirdest thing to witness.  After all the emotional abuse from her growing up, it helps me see how much she has injured me.

My brother and I think this episode has made her lose her mind.  She has forgotten how to use her phone, and he says her speech pattern doesn’t make sense often.  Meanwhile, I’m scared she will write me out of the family trust due to this.  I’m not as wealthy as others in my family, and she uses this leverage to control me.  In the past two weeks she kept changing who’s going to get how much and when.  

I know she’s just sick, but I’m so sad.  No one seems to remember or see me.  Ive been through her wrath and survived very well.  But no one wants to hear or see what I have been through because of her.  They all focus on “your poor mother is suffering”.  I’m hoping someone here can help me understand how you can move forward as a victim of this, when no one wants to help you, no one sees you, no one has empathy for you.

[wantmorepeace]

I am so sorry.  It's definitely been my experience that death in the family sets things off.

You know who you are even if some around you do not.  This board is a great place to see your experiences replicated in other peoples' postings and to validate what is happening to you.  If you don't already have such, I recommend getting a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on family members.  You can check out the NAMI chapter near you to see if they have any family support groups.  And sometimes you can find a website of specialized resources in your area.

Hang in there!