Trouble giving my SO with BPD compliments

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been listening to an audio book on strengthening our relationship and one of the suggestions it has is giving my SO a compliment a day for a week. I know for a fact that Words of Affirmation are her love language but this is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I can be encouraging, show support, and I tell her multiple times a day that I love her. The times I try to go beyond that she'll hit me with a "tell me something else" and keep pushing me until I freeze up and it usually ends with both of us upset because, as she says, "you never say anything nice about me" and I end up feeling like I'm not good enough that I can't give her what she craves the most. Alternately, she'll say "you don't have to say that", which stings just as much.

Anyone have any tools to get through this kind of situation? All I've got is to not say much and I don't feel like that is good either.

[BigMac]

I've been listening to an audio book on strengthening our relationship and one of the suggestions it has is giving my SO a compliment a day for a week. I know for a fact that Words of Affirmation are her love language but this is something that doesn't come naturally to me. I can be encouraging, show support, and I tell her multiple times a day that I love her. The times I try to go beyond that she'll hit me with a "tell me something else" and keep pushing me until I freeze up and it usually ends with both of us upset because, as she says, "you never say anything nice about me" and I end up feeling like I'm not good enough that I can't give her what she craves the most. Alternately, she'll say "you don't have to say that", which stings just as much.

Anyone have any tools to get through this kind of situation? All I've got is to not say much and I don't feel like that is good either.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

For BPD, feelings equal facts. 

If I say, "Hey Big Mac, what do you like about me?"  You reply with, "I don't know, I guess you're a good enough person."  I'd probably laugh and think Mac just can't express his emotions.  But with your BPD partner, they'd hear that and think that you've never cared about them, you're just using them until someone better comes along, and you are verbally abusive.

So let's talk about why you love your partner.  Be vulnerable- what do you actually like about them?

- Are they kind, loyal, dependable?
- Are they thoughtful and considerate?
- Do they make any aspect your life easier?  If yes, what?
- Do they stand up for you to others?
- Do you have kids?  If so, how are they with the kids?
- Do they cook meals?  Clean the house?  Organize the pantry?
- Do they have a job?  Do they contribute to finances?
- Are they loving and affectionate?
- Is your partner good looking?  Does she dress well?  Does she turn heads?
- Does your partner show up for you when you need help?
- Does your partner do things for you 'just because'?

As you can see, there's a million things you can compliment someone over and it doesn't take that much thought to come up with a list of 5-10 things that you really appreciate.  For instance, my BPD ex was almost always smiling, always positive.  Her smile made me smile, even when I was having a bad day.  Another thing, if we ate somewhere and I really loved what we ordered, she'd try her best to re-make that at home.  Usually, the failed spectacularly...but she tried for me and that meant a lot.

Find a few things you genuinely appreciate, it's worth the time and effort.