Lies of being virgin and molestation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone experienced girl claim to be Virgin but when it becomes stupidly obvious they aren't tell stories of molestations to cover it up. When I stay stupidly obvious because sex was incredible definitely had experience. But the molestation stories so detailed and why admit to that and not at least to just being with one guy even though I'm almost sure it's more. She's 26 and slept with me first time actually meeting in person. So much more to story but this part connfusing me especially. I never even cared if she was virgin and told her how I been with a lot of girls. She just kept trying to sell herself like that so hard. Like I promised my dad and you'll see I'm telling truth when I bleed. Also she opened about the molestation but she it happened till kept changing each time she recounted it but I assumed because she was ashamed how long it actually went on for. She only told me about it when I confronted her how she obviously know what to do and the other things and just weird she would lie and that I was done with her. She was going to be a psychologist so I assumed she could of got details and mixed them with her life stories from case studies in those classes. But who knows... the story of her is definetly a lot more interesting but just thought I'd start off with this. Any advice or similiar experiences?

[Stringerr]

Has anyone experienced girl claim to be Virgin but when it becomes stupidly obvious they aren't tell stories of molestations to cover it up. When I stay stupidly obvious because sex was incredible definitely had experience. But the molestation stories so detailed and why admit to that and not at least to just being with one guy even though I'm almost sure it's more. She's 26 and slept with me first time actually meeting in person. So much more to story but this part connfusing me especially. I never even cared if she was virgin and told her how I been with a lot of girls. She just kept trying to sell herself like that so hard. Like I promised my dad and you'll see I'm telling truth when I bleed. Also she opened about the molestation but she it happened till kept changing each time she recounted it but I assumed because she was ashamed how long it actually went on for. She only told me about it when I confronted her how she obviously know what to do and the other things and just weird she would lie and that I was done with her. She was going to be a psychologist so I assumed she could of got details and mixed them with her life stories from case studies in those classes. But who knows... the story of her is definetly a lot more interesting but just thought I'd start off with this. Any advice or similiar experiences?

[Stringerr]

Has anyone experienced girl claim to be Virgin but when it becomes stupidly obvious they aren't tell stories of molestations to cover it up. When I stay stupidly obvious because sex was incredible definitely had experience. But the molestation stories so detailed and why admit to that and not at least to just being with one guy even though I'm almost sure it's more. She's 26 and slept with me first time actually meeting in person. So much more to story but this part connfusing me especially. I never even cared if she was virgin and told her how I been with a lot of girls. She just kept trying to sell herself like that so hard. Like I promised my dad and you'll see I'm telling truth when I bleed. Also she opened about the molestation but she it happened till kept changing each time she recounted it but I assumed because she was ashamed how long it actually went on for. She only told me about it when I confronted her how she obviously know what to do and the other things and just weird she would lie and that I was done with her. She was going to be a psychologist so I assumed she could of got details and mixed them with her life stories from case studies in those classes. But who knows... the story of her is definetly a lot more interesting but just thought I'd start off with this. Any advice or similiar experiences?

[SuperJew82]

Question:

How do you tell if a pwBPD is lying?

Answer:

Their lips are moving.

[Stringerr]

Everyone lies. I lie. It's just sometimes people do it for reasons others don't understand and I'm here trying to understand. Maybe I'm wrong and just want to believe she is and somebody story or explanation will make me realize that. You weren't helpful at all.

[SuperJew82]

I should have had more substance to my response. My apologies. I should be more supportive... .I can imagine your pain, as I have been through similar as well.

I went through the same thing with mine, except the virgin part. She had a 3 year old boy, so that would have been a difficult one to pull off.

What I experienced is that there is about 10% truth to what they say. It gets so distorted with time and emotions by the end of the day it's mostly severely twisted at best.

Was she molested?... .likely - as BPD sufferers are often subject to this. I think it's more genetic than anything. My diagnosed exBPDgf's mother had been married 4 times and it sounded pretty turbulent.

Her mom would allow men to abuse her daughters as long as they met her emotional needs. pwBPD never put others above their own emotional needs.

I'm sure that if given a choice between the welfare of her son and meeting her dysfunctional emotional needs... .she would choose to satisfy her emotions - because I have seen her do it many times. I feel sorry for her son and really anybody she crosses path with.

I do stand behind my statement: They always lie and will almost NEVER admit to it. Mine was a terrible liar, ironically.

[SuperJew82]

No, everyone doesn't lie - not like that.

I might lie to my coworker and tell her she has a nice haircut. Maybe on my dating profile I omit my income. I even have lied when I called into work to tell them that I was sick so I could have a day to work on myself.

Yea those are lies - but I cannot remember lying about something that would confuse and hurt someone.

[Stringerr]

Than you for taking time to respond. Appreciate that. I just got so lost in so many stories with her. And her half truths. Which she admitted to telling me half truths as well to " protect me from the truth " I just didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. I feel guilty for doubting her on this. But what's true, what's over exaggerated and under exaggerated I don't know. Also didn't think people were capable of lying about something as sick as that but she still hasnt admitted to being with others guys. So who knows what she is lying about. It hurts to think that happens to someone you care about. I do feel for her . But her whole life story from the beginning was so sad didn't make sense almost. One thing I know for sure she didn't lie to me about is her school. She always been top of her classes and made deans list all that but for the good girl she is she has weird thing god thst came up when I looked into her background stupid amount of speeding tickets two misdeameanors one for shoplifting and other for property damage. I don't know. Just went crazy trying to put everything together or make sense.

[formflier]

   

How far into this relationship (r/s) are you?

For now... .I would focus on listening and not confront.  I would only listen when she brings it up.  Even then... .try to limit time on the discussions, promise to return to the discussion later after you do... .whatever you have to do.


There is a lot you have to learn before trying to sort this out.

It is good that she is going to a P!   I would not bring that up again... .for now... unless she does.

What are your goals in this r/s?  How long?  I assume online first?

FF

[Stringerr]

A few months. I just found it weird she told me when I was ending things because it was obvious there been other guys and this was like her one thing that could somehow explain how nothing else was adding up and of course get my empathy. But the details and how she sounded I don't know. I feel sick for even questioning it. But she could of just admitted t being with even one guy if she was so ashamed of this and never told anyone before like she said. I was really nothing special and was leaving her too. She isn't going to a p, I meant she was taking classes to become one. At least she said. So many half truths about her life.

[SuperJew82]

Mine had multiple degrees. Honors society, deans list, etc. I work with scientists all day and she could make some of them look like simple minds.

Intelligence is not corelated with BPD - but pwBPD armed with high intelligence can be a very scary combo. They can manifest all sorts of stuff with their creative minds and do some very complex scheming, but eventually, nobody can keep up the web of fiction they put up. Ironically, she wasn't a very good liar.

Just like you, I don't know how many stories I have heard that " just didn't make sense " . If you were to keep up with this - you will be sucked into their world of gaslighting and delusions as well.

You made it out, and that is awesome.

Yes, it is hard to believe someone you loved with all your heart - someone that you would do anything for, would lie to you with such ease. To them, lying is just a part of their personality. It's not hard for them. They have grown up twisting reality to fit their emotions. Try not to take it personally - it's just who they are.

[Aesir]

I knew that my ex  wasn't a virgin years ago. She DID say that she had been molested but the fact is that she kept talking about the exact same incidents repeatedly. It also seems that either she may have exaggerated a few details or she wasn't telling me everything. I believe this because what she described to me didn't seem like full on molestation with a adult. It seemed like  kids being kids during her childhood. I did encourage to seek counseling but of course she refused.

[Stringerr]

I know this hard subject to get people to talk about and it hurts to remind people it could or couldn't of happened with there ex with BPD because they say that's usually the cause of it. But also with her who could of been her dad and stepdad passing away within year of each other. Her mom abandoning her as baby and then being a Alcholic. Like I know something bad happened in her life for her to be this way. And I feel selfish when I think this way about her because she hurt and trying to cover something up. By she distorted reality so much that I literally went crazy trying to figure it all out. And this was just in few months. Also since going no contact she has blew me up and saying she's pregnant as well. I felt like a coward ignoring her. But like I didn't know what to do. I just didn't know what was real anymore. But like I only ever questioned things because she questioned everything about me. Or else I'd just leave things alone but the virgin thing made no sense. She was so delusional about it. But I keep thinking this my fault somehow and I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

[Turkish]

Overall,  this has been a common question here over the years.  Here is one example of a discussion on lying and pwBPD: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142056.0;all

In the thread,  Randi Kreger mentions that she discusses it in Essential Family Guide

Lawson, in Understanding the Borderline Mother says that to a person with BPD, lying feels like survival. 

This goes far deeper than "no honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat. " It ties into the disordered world-view of an emotionally raw person (so raw that it's incomprehensible to us) who indeed engages in lies in order to survive.

My mother, for instance, goes in and out of reality.  Her lies are so deep at this point that is fine into the realm of Dissociation and Dysphoria. An hour ago,  I just got off the phone with a sheriff's deputy in the county where my mother lives. Good times... . 

As for the lies about molestation? My then 2 year old daughter told me about her uncle touching her privates. She,  now 4.5, has been safe. After thousands in therapy and countless hours of my research,  I came to the conclusion that these things should always be believed.  I always suspected my ex was molested,  though she denied it vehemently when I once asked,  it came out on a safe session of return therapy that she was as a little girl by her mother's father.  We were in the room with the r/s counselor she abandoned me to in order to support our daughter.  The T picked up on the same vibe I did.  She admitted it to him in front of me. 

My mother was raped by her father from about 7-14... .and the story came out in bits and pieces over 27 years.

Though these aren't direct examples which exactly reflect what most here deal with,  it's worth a pause. All of my research into this horrible topic indicates that these crimes lead to horribly messed up individuals.  The most severe firms of early childhood sexual abuse can lead to disorders like DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).

How does this help Detachers? We're here to get answers, connect with fellow travelers, and hopefully heal.

Lies about sexual abuse can be just that.  We've seen it in families on the parenting board and Coping and Healing, and probably here, maybe even in this case. 

You were possibly lied to (though maybe not), but you were hurt and manipulated,  and that's a truth.  Digging into what exactly drives a pwBPD helps bring clarity. Though Lawson's book may seem more applicable on C&H, I found it very helpful as a Detacher, the original reason I landed here.  At some point,  digging deep is a significant stage in healing and detaching.  Facing the facts.