Exhausted

[Tired1121]

I really don't even know how to start or know what to say. I found this forum because I desperately typed into Google, "what to do when you feel like you don't like your daughter who has BPD." I'm mentally drained. I don't feel like I have it in me to continue with her but at the same time I can't imagine putting her out. Her behavior is all over the place. She's 23. We've known about her being an "alcoholic" for a couple of years now. I'm realizing now that she's an addict... it's not just alcohol. She went to rehab 3 times i think. This last time she went through with moving into Sober Living just to get kicked out not even a week later because someone heard her huffing from a can of nitrous oxide. They searched her belongings and found the cans. I paid to get her back home with her promising she would never do it again bc it caused her to hallucinate. She's been back for about 6 months. Things have been up and down with her lying about drinking and stopping meetings. She was seeing a therapist by stopped after she got a job. She rarely leaves her room despite me constantly telling her she needs social interaction. Anyway, I recently learned she's been huffing nitrous oxide again. I found cans of various sizes... there were around 15 i think. I'm scared to death that she's going to kill herself or end up on the street (I have a homeless schizophrenic brother who we believe caused his schizophrenia through drug use). I was so desperate that I told her to please stop and I would get her THC gummies if she just has to have something. You can guess she's asked for a gummy each day since I gave into that.

Anytime I ask my daughter to do anything, no matter how small, she goes on a 21 questions rant expecting me to explain why for each question asked. She always has a way of making me out to be the bad person. Then, like clockwork, she'll come apologizing within a couole hours to the next day, at which time I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing to listen to actively listen to her.

I don't know what to do. My youngest daughter is also growing tired of this. My son tries to be there to support but he lives out of state and and try not to worry him. My youngest daughter and I basically do all housework while my oldest daughter sulks around all day when not working. I'm sick of walking on eggshells but don't see any other way. I'm terrified that I'll lose her altogether.

I apologize for the stream-of-conscious writing. I'm usually much more coherent. I'm just tired... mine, body, and soul.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Exhausted,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here are in a similar situation.  In my own experience with an adult stepdaughter with BPD, I think that 22-25 was the worst age, and I have theories about this which I've posted on other threads.  Similar to you, I came to realize that her problem wasn't just BPD, but addiction, too, to marijuana--the self-medicating kind.  And my opinion is that today's marijuana is very potent and deleterious, particularly in the gummy and vaping forms, because of the lack of negative biofeedback (e.g. smoke, noxious smell) that might temper usage.  Worse, it's easy to sneak gummies and vaping, making it easy to consume too frequently, too much or both.  Alas, with heavy daily use, I think my BPD stepdaughter did a number on her brain, reducing her IQ by a few points, as well as seriously interfering with her executive functioning and creating paranoia.  Anyway, my opinion is that it's really hard to treat BPD without treating the addiction to illicit substances, first or simultaneously.

I'm familiar with the fear of suicide attempts, and the fear of kicking a "kid" out on the streets.  I've witnessed several suicide attempts and their aftermath with my pwBPD.  I've been through several rebounds too, when my adult stepdaughter would try living independently, only to self-sabotage, give up on herself and land back in my home.  I've lost count of how many rebounds there have been, but they have been occuring for nearly a decade now.  It would be one thing if they were planned, but typically they entailed "emergencies" and "rescues."  All that means a lot of parental time expended, money squandered (lost tuition, lost rent and rental deposits, unrefundable skipped therapy), physical labor, administrative support, uncertainty, arguments, cancelled vacations, gigantic medical bills, etc., leaving us worried, tired, cash-strapped, frustrated, resentful, grieving and sick and tired of living in crisis mode.

Since you mention your daughter's addiction in your first post, and since it seems to dominate your concerns (even though there are many issues with BPD!), I think my advice to you would be that you need to start enforcing some strict boundaries in your home, including no drug use.  It seems to me your daughter isn't working on herself, and that you are enabling her dysfunction, by letting her give up on herself and use drugs, while living in your home for free, not helping, and treating you like crap.  Worse, you have an underage kid with you, while your BPD daughter is an adult--what sort of home environment are you providing for your younger kid, and what sort of example are you setting?  I think you take back control of your home and enforce some house rules.  I don't care if you were OK with letting your BPD daughter use marijuana in the past; you've decided that right now it isn't working for you, because YOUR life isn't working for you.  Like you wrote, you're exhausted, you're desperate, and while you can't control your daughter, you can control what you do, and what happens in your home.  You are changing things up because you deserve better.  It's your home, your sanctuary; your very health and well being are at stake.  There's no place for illicit drug use in your home.  If you find drugs, you throw them out, kick out your daughter or call the cops if you have to.  You want nothing to do with drugs ever again.  You're absolutely sick from seeing how they destroy the lives of the people you love.  You can't live with yourself anymore if you let them in your home.  So don't.

I'll tell you what my house rules are at the moment:  adult children can stay with me in my home, with free room and board, if they are respectful, pick up after themselves and do not use illicit substances.  In exchange, they must work full-time on themselves (i.e. 40 hours per week), through some combination of work, study, training/internships/volunteering and/or therapy.  They are responsibile for paying for their own luxuries, like phones, take-out/restaurants, travel, streaming services, etc.  In other words, they are not allowed to sleep all day, use drugs, skip therapy that I've paid for, leave messes around, be mean or disrespectful, or become idle freeloaders.  They can relax on weekends and such, but if they don't get a job (or work 40 hours per week on their job hunt), they will be asked to leave.  If they use drugs, they will be asked to leave.  If they want to use drugs, they certainly may, just not while they are living with me.  They are adults, they can decide.  But it's my house, my rules.  If they want to make their own rules, they are entitled to do that, but in their own home.  In fact, I would LOVE for them to make their own rules in their own home.  I'm not stopping them in any way at all.  If they want to move to New York, London or Paris, I can understand why they'd want to live there--that would be fantastic!  Go ahead, I'm not stopping them, I can't wait to visit.  But if they stay with me with free room and board, there are no drugs in the house, and they have to work full-time like an adult, and be respectful.  I'd say that's not only fair, but extremely generous on my part.  I'm not even asking for help with utilities or chores (other than picking up after themselves).  If they don't like it because they want to be free to do anything they want whenever they want, then that's OK with me, I totally understand and support that, but not under my roof.