Exhausted

[Parents! Get help here!]

I really don't even know how to start or know what to say. I found this forum because I desperately typed into Google, "what to do when you feel like you don't like your daughter who has BPD." I'm mentally drained. I don't feel like I have it in me to continue with her but at the same time I can't imagine putting her out. Her behavior is all over the place. She's 23. We've known about her being an "alcoholic" for a couple of years now. I'm realizing now that she's an addict... it's not just alcohol. She went to rehab 3 times i think. This last time she went through with moving into Sober Living just to get kicked out not even a week later because someone heard her huffing from a can of nitrous oxide. They searched her belongings and found the cans. I paid to get her back home with her promising she would never do it again bc it caused her to hallucinate. She's been back for about 6 months. Things have been up and down with her lying about drinking and stopping meetings. She was seeing a therapist by stopped after she got a job. She rarely leaves her room despite me constantly telling her she needs social interaction. Anyway, I recently learned she's been huffing nitrous oxide again. I found cans of various sizes... there were around 15 i think. I'm scared to death that she's going to kill herself or end up on the street (I have a homeless schizophrenic brother who we believe caused his schizophrenia through drug use). I was so desperate that I told her to please stop and I would get her THC gummies if she just has to have something. You can guess she's asked for a gummy each day since I gave into that.

Anytime I ask my daughter to do anything, no matter how small, she goes on a 21 questions rant expecting me to explain why for each question asked. She always has a way of making me out to be the bad person. Then, like clockwork, she'll come apologizing within a couole hours to the next day, at which time I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing to listen to actively listen to her.

I don't know what to do. My youngest daughter is also growing tired of this. My son tries to be there to support but he lives out of state and and try not to worry him. My youngest daughter and I basically do all housework while my oldest daughter sulks around all day when not working. I'm sick of walking on eggshells but don't see any other way. I'm terrified that I'll lose her altogether.

I apologize for the stream-of-conscious writing. I'm usually much more coherent. I'm just tired... mine, body, and soul.

[Tired1121]

I really don't even know how to start or know what to say. I found this forum because I desperately typed into Google, "what to do when you feel like you don't like your daughter who has BPD." I'm mentally drained. I don't feel like I have it in me to continue with her but at the same time I can't imagine putting her out. Her behavior is all over the place. She's 23. We've known about her being an "alcoholic" for a couple of years now. I'm realizing now that she's an addict... it's not just alcohol. She went to rehab 3 times i think. This last time she went through with moving into Sober Living just to get kicked out not even a week later because someone heard her huffing from a can of nitrous oxide. They searched her belongings and found the cans. I paid to get her back home with her promising she would never do it again bc it caused her to hallucinate. She's been back for about 6 months. Things have been up and down with her lying about drinking and stopping meetings. She was seeing a therapist by stopped after she got a job. She rarely leaves her room despite me constantly telling her she needs social interaction. Anyway, I recently learned she's been huffing nitrous oxide again. I found cans of various sizes... there were around 15 i think. I'm scared to death that she's going to kill herself or end up on the street (I have a homeless schizophrenic brother who we believe caused his schizophrenia through drug use). I was so desperate that I told her to please stop and I would get her THC gummies if she just has to have something. You can guess she's asked for a gummy each day since I gave into that.

Anytime I ask my daughter to do anything, no matter how small, she goes on a 21 questions rant expecting me to explain why for each question asked. She always has a way of making me out to be the bad person. Then, like clockwork, she'll come apologizing within a couole hours to the next day, at which time I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing to listen to actively listen to her.

I don't know what to do. My youngest daughter is also growing tired of this. My son tries to be there to support but he lives out of state and and try not to worry him. My youngest daughter and I basically do all housework while my oldest daughter sulks around all day when not working. I'm sick of walking on eggshells but don't see any other way. I'm terrified that I'll lose her altogether.

I apologize for the stream-of-conscious writing. I'm usually much more coherent. I'm just tired... mine, body, and soul.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Exhausted,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here are in a similar situation.  In my own experience with an adult stepdaughter with BPD, I think that 22-25 was the worst age, and I have theories about this which I've posted on other threads.  Similar to you, I came to realize that her problem wasn't just BPD, but addiction, too, to marijuana--the self-medicating kind.  And my opinion is that today's marijuana is very potent and deleterious, particularly in the gummy and vaping forms, because of the lack of negative biofeedback (e.g. smoke, noxious smell) that might temper usage.  Worse, it's easy to sneak gummies and vaping, making it easy to consume too frequently, too much or both.  Alas, with heavy daily use, I think my BPD stepdaughter did a number on her brain, reducing her IQ by a few points, as well as seriously interfering with her executive functioning and creating paranoia.  Anyway, my opinion is that it's really hard to treat BPD without treating the addiction to illicit substances, first or simultaneously.

I'm familiar with the fear of suicide attempts, and the fear of kicking a "kid" out on the streets.  I've witnessed several suicide attempts and their aftermath with my pwBPD.  I've been through several rebounds too, when my adult stepdaughter would try living independently, only to self-sabotage, give up on herself and land back in my home.  I've lost count of how many rebounds there have been, but they have been occuring for nearly a decade now.  It would be one thing if they were planned, but typically they entailed "emergencies" and "rescues."  All that means a lot of parental time expended, money squandered (lost tuition, lost rent and rental deposits, unrefundable skipped therapy), physical labor, administrative support, uncertainty, arguments, cancelled vacations, gigantic medical bills, etc., leaving us worried, tired, cash-strapped, frustrated, resentful, grieving and sick and tired of living in crisis mode.

Since you mention your daughter's addiction in your first post, and since it seems to dominate your concerns (even though there are many issues with BPD!), I think my advice to you would be that you need to start enforcing some strict boundaries in your home, including no drug use.  It seems to me your daughter isn't working on herself, and that you are enabling her dysfunction, by letting her give up on herself and use drugs, while living in your home for free, not helping, and treating you like crap.  Worse, you have an underage kid with you, while your BPD daughter is an adult--what sort of home environment are you providing for your younger kid, and what sort of example are you setting?  I think you take back control of your home and enforce some house rules.  I don't care if you were OK with letting your BPD daughter use marijuana in the past; you've decided that right now it isn't working for you, because YOUR life isn't working for you.  Like you wrote, you're exhausted, you're desperate, and while you can't control your daughter, you can control what you do, and what happens in your home.  You are changing things up because you deserve better.  It's your home, your sanctuary; your very health and well being are at stake.  There's no place for illicit drug use in your home.  If you find drugs, you throw them out, kick out your daughter or call the cops if you have to.  You want nothing to do with drugs ever again.  You're absolutely sick from seeing how they destroy the lives of the people you love.  You can't live with yourself anymore if you let them in your home.  So don't.

I'll tell you what my house rules are at the moment:  adult children can stay with me in my home, with free room and board, if they are respectful, pick up after themselves and do not use illicit substances.  In exchange, they must work full-time on themselves (i.e. 40 hours per week), through some combination of work, study, training/internships/volunteering and/or therapy.  They are responsibile for paying for their own luxuries, like phones, take-out/restaurants, travel, streaming services, etc.  In other words, they are not allowed to sleep all day, use drugs, skip therapy that I've paid for, leave messes around, be mean or disrespectful, or become idle freeloaders.  They can relax on weekends and such, but if they don't get a job (or work 40 hours per week on their job hunt), they will be asked to leave.  If they use drugs, they will be asked to leave.  If they want to use drugs, they certainly may, just not while they are living with me.  They are adults, they can decide.  But it's my house, my rules.  If they want to make their own rules, they are entitled to do that, but in their own home.  In fact, I would LOVE for them to make their own rules in their own home.  I'm not stopping them in any way at all.  If they want to move to New York, London or Paris, I can understand why they'd want to live there--that would be fantastic!  Go ahead, I'm not stopping them, I can't wait to visit.  But if they stay with me with free room and board, there are no drugs in the house, and they have to work full-time like an adult, and be respectful.  I'd say that's not only fair, but extremely generous on my part.  I'm not even asking for help with utilities or chores (other than picking up after themselves).  If they don't like it because they want to be free to do anything they want whenever they want, then that's OK with me, I totally understand and support that, but not under my roof.

[Sancho]

Hi Tired1121
It has been a while since I have been here – things got so chaotic in my world that there was very little space. But here I am, and I could just identify so much with the exhaustion and concern that you have that I had to make time to write – just to pass on that you are not alone.

Goodness you have been/are going through the mill and yes the nitrous oxide is such a worry. There are so many things that are happening – each day you are faced with the ‘atmosphere’ of someone who sulks around etc and it seems there will be no end to living this way.

Just a few comments from my own – pretty awful – experience with BPD.

I found that understanding BPD has been a game changer. For example, when I understood that I was my BPD’s ‘target of blame’ I was able to learn to let all the blaming and abuse fly past me. It sounds like you are the target of blame – it usually is the one most relied upon to accept them.

Another thing is being overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong. I am interested in the fact that your DD has a job. Has she had the job for long, is it full time and does she manage to keep going without too much reliance on you?

I think this is a very positive thing. My DD has never been able to hold down a regular job so there is no possibility of structure in her life.

We want to ‘fix’ things so much – to help take their pain away. We can see the tragedy of homelessness and mental illness looming if they keep making certain choices.

In this regard I think that you did the right thing offering the gummies and it may be that one a day will avert a disaster in DD’s mental health until, hopefully, some way forward is found. Harm minimization is a legitimate way to go, particularly when the possibility of serious harm is on the cards.

I tried to help my DD start living independently and I think I tried too hard and too soon. Every situation and every person who comes here is different and all possible options are on the table for each person. In my case I could not accept DD living on the street so she knows she can always come here. She has been in several domestic violence situations and she has been saved by having a place to go to so that she is able to leave.

But that choice I made meant that I had to find a way to live a very different life. Some of the things that guide me are:
I don’t have huge expectations of my DD around the house. Somehow I feel that the more I try to set up routines etc, the more I am ‘setting up’ confrontation.

I try to have my ‘time out’ from being around DD, and, importantly, put my mind on to things other than DD. It’s an active thing to do – switch my thoughts to something else and allot certain time to having her in my thoughts.

Finally I would like to encourage you to back yourself. You know your child and you know your situation. I followed everyone’s advice for a while till I realized I am the only one dealing with my situation, my child.

If you can take small time outs – just to try to lift the exhaustion a little. Be kind to yourself whenever you can. You are coping with what I think is the most difficult condition of all and here there are people who know just how hard that is.

Thank you for posting. Every time someone is prepared to tell their story it sends the message to others that they are not alone.

[ForeverDad]

I'll tell you what my house rules are at the moment:  adult children can stay with me in my home, with free room and board, if they are respectful, pick up after themselves and do not use illicit substances.  In exchange, they must work full-time on themselves (i.e. 40 hours per week), through some combination of work, study, training/internships/volunteering and/or therapy.  They are responsibile for paying for their own luxuries, like phones, take-out/restaurants, travel, streaming services, etc.  In other words, they are not allowed to sleep all day, use drugs, skip therapy that I've paid for, leave messes around, be mean or disrespectful, or become idle freeloaders.  They can relax on weekends and such, but if they don't get a job (or work 40 hours per week on their job hunt), they will be asked to leave.  If they use drugs, they will be asked to leave.  If they want to use drugs, they certainly may, just not while they are living with me.  They are adults, they can decide.  But it's my house, my rules.  If they want to make their own rules, they are entitled to do that, but in their own home.  In fact, I would LOVE for them to make their own rules in their own home.  I'm not stopping them in any way at all.  If they want to move to New York, London or Paris, I can understand why they'd want to live there--that would be fantastic!  Go ahead, I'm not stopping them, I can't wait to visit.  But if they stay with me with free room and board, there are no drugs in the house, and they have to work full-time like an adult, and be respectful.  I'd say that's not only fair, but extremely generous on my part.  I'm not even asking for help with utilities or chores (other than picking up after themselves).  If they don't like it because they want to be free to do anything they want whenever they want, then that's OK with me, I totally understand and support that, but not under my roof.

People with BPD traits are known to endlessly resist boundaries.  And whenever we make an exception they will behave as though that exception negated the entire boundary.  So what to do?  Something not very intuitive... Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Our boundaries are what we do in response to poor behavior incidents and patterns.

Of course, expect push back.  We call them extinction bursts, determined efforts to get us to retreat back to the prior failed patterns.  Still, there will be setbacks as with any addictions, but they must be overall positive, as in the "two steps forward, one step back" variety.

[CC43]

People with BPD traits are known to endlessly resist boundaries.  And whenever we make an exception they will behave as though that exception negated the entire boundary.  So what to do?  Something not very intuitive... Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Our boundaries are what we do in response to poor behavior incidents and patterns.

Of course, expect push back.  We call them extinction bursts, determined efforts to get us to retreat back to the prior failed patterns.  Still, there will be setbacks as with any addictions, but they must be overall positive, as in the "two steps forward, one step back" variety.

100% agree with this.  I also agree that boundaries can be tough to enforce.  Like mine:  "You can live with me if you are respectful, working full time and drug-free."  Why this boundary?  Because I believe that's what's needed for a peaceful living situation, one in which all adults contribute, are respectful and don't engage in abusive behaviors.  By the way, I define "working" in the broad sense, through some combination of paid work, schooling, volunteering, training, therapy, housework and/or searching for a job--you know, doing something productive for yourself or your environment.  Anyway, my pwBPD would claim she was working "really hard."  Actually, she'd start out OK, maybe working two or three shifts a week, while making a huge show of filling out applications for half an hour, and getting an online interview from time to time.  I'd think, that's not really full time, but it's better than nothing, and she got a couple interviews, so that's a gigantic plus.  To me, she was moving in the right direction (ForeverDad's "overall positive"), even if she was technically falling short of the bargain.  Nevertheless, this situation was short lived.  A few weeks later, she stopped filling out applications, and a month later, she hadn't landed any more interviews.  The hours she worked dwindled, to maybe one shift per week, or none.  Her mood soured, because she KNEW she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, and also because I think she realized that her ideal office job wouldn't just fall into her lap like she expected.  She lost her momentum, and she was slipping back into old habits, namely sleeping and napping most of the days away, when she was supposed to be working, training and/or filling out job applications.  The only reason she could sleep during daytime was because she was living with me for free.  So we had to ask her to leave.  Actually, I think she wanted us to ask her to leave, because she couldn't stand the sense of failure, AND she wanted to be able to play victim and say that she was "kicked out."  Well, she was kicked out, but it was her decision, because to stay she would have had to get a job, any job--and there were abundant HELP WANTED signs within a five-mile radius.  It was her choice, and her dad and I reacted how we said we would, when it was clear there was negative momentum.  Sure, her narrative will be different, but deep down, she knows she gave up on herself.  She just wants to blame it on me and her dad.  The good news is, that when she lives on her own, she HAS to get a job to make rent.  And she has done that, more or less.  The momentum shifted when the enablement ended!