need understanding with my situation.

[wolfie123]

i did a lot of soul searching 2 years back and realized i was the perpetrator in many past relationships. using drugs, completely hopeless towards any future. i did the work and 180d my mindset and got 100% clean but the mentality of always being the problem followed me. but this _____ that ive endured in the last year is like nothing else.

even in active use, being completely burdensome to anyone in my circle, actively doing SW, no one had ever treated me like my recent ex did and used the words he did for me. from the beginning he was gushing about me, not letting me go a few minutes in between texts, obsessing about my body, joking of marriage. one of the first things he let me know was that all of his exes were evil and cheated on him. that being cheated on was more traumatic than having a gun pointed at his head. any inkling of suspicion that i am leaving him or cheating on him (this was mostly associated with male friends and reaching out to others including men when he would threaten housing) was met with threats to kick me out, horrible push pulls where i wouldnt be spoken to for days, withdrawal of affection "youre not allowed to kiss me", and constant break ups. id be told i wanna go back to exes thousands of miles away. was told i would not be loved or accepted by anyone else due to my past. when i wasnt in the mood for sex daily he would pity himself which made me cave. he'd tell me head was a good apology for my mistakes and i complied thinking it was silly. ironically despite my past i was given my only STD from him.

what kept me hooked was the "positive" obsession, where hed get soft and tell me how precious i was to him, he took care of every bill for me, proposed an enthralling image of me in his mind, was crazy for me physically. in the beginning i seemed to understand that his behavior was odd and advocated for acknowledgment but never got any. with every push and subsequent dopamine rushed pull i lowered my standing more and more. i would ask him if i was so horrible, why he didnt leave. "because this is what love is", hed say. and i believed i had to learn how to adopt this mindset. the whole relationship revolved around me atoning for my mistakes and trying to convince this guy i wanted him. by the end of it i got rid of all of my friends, stopped interacting with my recovery community, was out of work, all to calm his hypervigilant sense of jealousy. our last fight was about notifications from realtors on my phone, i was searching for a place for us, and i did not reassure him correctly. he told me to GTFO for three days straight, ignoring pleas and concrete my "i dont want to go". after receiving absolutely no warmth from him when i was begging to be reassured i left, no job.

after leaving i was able to get in contact through emails and *67ed phone calls. i tried to explain what the last few days made me feel. he ended up getting resentful and would tell me to die, that he'd kill me, that im only allowed near him if he paid me to come over if i gave him a quick nut. after all hes said to me he wanted me to be his prostitute. invited me over once telling me we had been together the entire time and after cumming in me told me the invite was a lapse in judgment and he needed to "heal". to him i was a cheater and a liar despite being devoted to him through all of his mishaps. some texts i received from him during this time still haunt me; "used diaper of a human being" "you will never be wife material" "i wish i could kill you so you cant do this to another innocent victim". i continued pressing believing this was all stemming from a fear of abandonment and pain.

on to my part, i ended up doing grey area work for rent money that i regret. he had told me he'd help me financially and when i asked for rent help he assumed it was for a date and refused profusely. it was never understood to him why that work made up my past despite him being a drug addict having engaged in sex work as well. three months into "NC" (it felt like a break up to me) he softened and came clean about being miserable and wanting to be with me. i came back and rushed into moving in with him. after 6 weeks of guilt i caved and confessed to what i had done, and he began the process of eviction. not before moving all of my things before the cops arrived to make it seem like i was never there and claiming i was a one night stand. it hurt horribly. during the process of me finding another place to go he would get soft and told me he understands why i did it, that he was cruel, that he doesnt want to get rid of me. and then would switch up and invite me back into his bedroom solely for sex and discard me when i tried to speak about the situation. "i wish i didnt have to do this" hed say. i told him he didnt have to.

i regret what i did. one of my interviews was a success in the same week and ive never looked back. but i cant stand the hypocrisy. this is a man who told me he accidentally killed someone in active addiction, and i never brought it up to upset him. this is a man i forgave for acting cruelly continuously. when i told him, somewhere in the back of my mind id thought we could work through it. he would always tell me i "made" him this way. why wouldnt the same logic apply to me, that his constant pushing, and the condition he left me in, "made" me do what i did? why couldnt understanding and mercy be applied to me, just as i had done with his abusive behavior from the start?

since the breakup hes contacted my mother spewing sensitive and vulnerable information. i saw one of his "evil" exes post a video of her in his car to which i broke the no contact and spewed at him for hypocrisy to which he told me he was "helping her". holy _____ where was my help when i needed it. got two newborn kittens, got a new car and over 20 tattoos, including one that says "know mercy" on his back.. two new face tattoos. posts nothing but stacks of cash in his bare living room, himself at the gun range, 8k designer purchases. reposts about being slighted, signs of a female manipulator, all this toxic masculinity stuff and such. during a situation where i had to house my cat elsewhere i reached out for help he told me he'd only help me if i came with, because he couldnt "leave me out to die". oh.

since then my life has improved in some regard, friends without feeling guilty, work, knowing my housing cant be threatened, i can breathe again, but with improvement comes a lot of stress. i work two honest jobs and some mistakes ive made at one of them has me feeling very uncertain of my capabilities lately. and when i get uncertain of myself, i crave for the times he told me he was proud of me (despite not having any motion during the whole relationship), where the sex felt out of this world thanks to the coldness that came before it, where we'd cuddle and agree that we never felt a connection like this with anyone else. and i agree, the highs will never be replaced by any normal relationship due to how addicting this one became. similar to fentanyl, the withdrawals are hell fire, but once that fix was in my hand i felt more relief than i did under the previous dose.

my social stalkings continue and i cannot let him go, despite me telling this story constantly and getting the same answer. with time i get less confused and understand patterns, yet i cannot let go of the fact that i will never experience such a powerful soul tied connection like that again. i failed. i mourn and grieve him, entering the relationship and hearing of his past traumas i believed i could convince him that he could be loved, that he could be cared for, but i ended up on his list of "evil whres". i wish i could help him understand how much he means to me as a human being, and that i would always be there to help him if he was in crisis. recently ive understood that if i ever want him to come to the conclusions i wish he did with me, i cant be with him. he will have to face the music or run through more girls to understand how his behavior affects others. its been 27 days since ive contacted him last, and i wish i could say its been easy. i ask the universe daily to show me signs of whether we are meant to be or not, and i continuously receive the same answer. i wish i could control that answer.

i am moreso trying to understand if what i have done has warranted this amount of pain, and how to detach knowing logically that this relationship was not for me. i do not want to adopt his victim /rageful "you afflicted me" mindset. i would also like to theorize that if i stay away for a period of time if he will understand the damage caused. id like some thoughts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ForeverDad]

I am moreso trying to understand if what I have done has warranted this amount of pain, and how to detach knowing logically that this relationship was not for me. I would also like to theorize that if I stay away for a period of time if he will understand the damage caused.

I'm so sorry but, No, he likely won't come to understand unless he commits himself to serious therapy.  The extremes of alternating poor behavior including disrespect and disparagement are common traits of BPD.

You can't fix him.  Only he can do that and too often there is no incentive to make positive changes.  Maybe, just maybe he might be receptive to meaningful therapy (DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy - is considered the best).  But, as with everything else you've suggested to him, the baggage of the past relationship has sensitized him from truly listening to you without him turning everything negative and critical.  His overreaction is to reject and retaliate, they are common traits of BPD.

Maybe, just maybe, if he were to start and stick with meaningful DBT therapy diligently applied in his life over months and years, it might make enough impact.

Since there are so many "ifs" above, it is practical and pragmatic to Accept having a healthy and functional relationship with him isn't possible, or at least unlikely.  It might be possible if he starts meaningful therapy and applies it in his life, thinking, behaviors and perceptions.  Only time can tell.

Meanwhile, until you can discern whether or not he is turning his life around, it would be far more productive to continue concentrating on improving yourself as you've been doing the past two years.   As many fishermen know, not every fish you catch in the ocean is a keeper.