Parent child, divorce, boundary setting

[Brighterdays26]

Hello (a lot to unpack here sorry if this is scattered there is a lot), 2 decades ago my parents finalized a divorce in which my dad received custody my sister and I. Parents first separated when I was 3, custody battle finalized when I was 11. It was a grueling time for all of us. My mom didn’t live close, and would often start fights about how we didn’t see her enough - as if that was my responsibility as a child. My dad dropped us off to religious facilities she stayed at without a vehicle, on holidays although we didn’t like going there, and drove us 2.5 hours halfway (more than) whenever we wanted to go, which wasn’t overly frequent but he did not want to force us to do anything. He always supported our relationship with our mom and was there to help when she would lash out at us and we didn’t understand - but he always responded with kindness and tried to help us understand BPD and how to navigate it. I have had seasons of having to completely cut off my mom, and my sister has at this point had more no contact than contact. Essentially I was always the last one standing with my mom for most of her life. I am reaching another breaking point now.

Throughout the years I have been blamed for our lack of closeness, like I initiated a divorce, or even had a car at 11. She has spent decades trying to convince me that I was a victim of parental alienation, but I wasn’t. I am not sure after having so little contact while she was off finding herself, getting married multiple times and moving throughout the country where she came to this conclusion. She has not been able to move past the divorce and that has been the major stress in our relationship. It’s ironic because it’s almost like she’s trying to brainwash me into admitting I was brought up brainwashed about her, but it has been her own actions and words that have caused the strain. My sister and I are so gentile with her, we don’t bring up all of the trauma she has caused us and will only use examples lightly when we are defending ourselves or our loved ones from the blame she puts on us and then for missing the formative years of our lives. She does not listen to anything we say and refuses any accountability aside from an occasional moment of clarity or perhaps just pretending she believes our POV because she is bored of fighting.

I have reconnected with her in adulthood with more effort, and things were better, with semi frequent bumps in the road. It’s pretty typical parentified child relationship, she relies on me heavily for emotional regulation which can be a lot, but I sensed she was trying which made my hopeful. Nonetheless, there is always some other drama or anger towards the past, but she was happy with me. She then began to target my fiance, who is amazing and kind, but not used to walking on eggshells because he didn’t grow up with this specific relationship, pain and trauma. I am highly emotional and empathetic, and I don’t like confrontation -  and I feel like it would be constant if I didn’t pick and choose my battles. But this has affected my life in so many way, and I am at a loss because I am constantly stonewalled and can’t even share my own person lived experiences and perspectives without being stonewalled. There is so much to this I’m not even sure where to begin or end so I will get to my main questions.

I fear my mom sees my fiance as a threat since I believe she is so dependent on me, my time - and my emotional support for her. But even 3 days where I take a break and try to slow down the contact when we talk she is “more down then ever”. I never have time to myself to decompress without worrying about her. Has anyone found a sweet spot for regular but safe amount of contact- and if so, how did you set that boundary?

Does anyone have experience with bpd and divorce/ claims of parental alienation and choosing to not cope with the past?

Has anyone experienced a BPD parent trying to rewrite their own reality that they weren’t even present for?

Does anyone have advice on how to cope with upholding boundaries and personal healing while feeling like your parents life is in your hands? I can’t heal if I am always putting her emotions first.

I am battling so much pent up grief, guilt - and I know it is not my burden but I constantly feel bad my mom has no one left, but I am concerned for my marriage and my future and my future children - but I can’t keep this one boundary - please don’t discuss the divorce we have different experiences.

I think the hardest thing to grasp is that if I, her child, was truly brainwashed by my dad and stepmom into “hating her”, which I don’t, I love her very much, what would that even accomplish? Wouldn’t someone just feel bad their kids were brainwashed and not make them relive it constantly? I’m not sure what she is trying to accomplish by this, but it is really upsetting but nothing I say or do gets through to her. All I want is for my mom to move forward and have a better life, but this divorce and anger has consumed her and it’s hard to constantly (I haven’t gone 1 month when in contact with her without having to discuss her anger) relive a traumatic time in my life to help her cope, as much as I feel ready to move forward and I have forgiven a lot, it was a painful time in my life and I lost a chunk of my childhood to this. Why re-traumatize me about it for decades? And when I bring that up (not having my mom present was hard for me and this is a traumatic topic) she has no empathy of being the child in the scenario. Totally dismissive like no- it’s not as bad being the kid - she had it much much worse. Any advice helps. I can’t continue to pour every last drop of myself into trying to help her heal with 0 progress. Looking to begin therapy soon with a specialist, so I am hopeful for that.

[ForeverDad]

Does anyone have advice on how to cope with upholding boundaries and personal healing while feeling like your parents life is in your hands? I can’t heal if I am always putting her emotions first.

I am battling so much pent up grief, guilt - and I know it is not my burden but I constantly feel bad my mom has no one left, but I am concerned for my marriage and my future and my future children - but I can’t keep this one boundary - please don’t discuss the divorce we have different experiences.

... All I want is for my mom to move forward and have a better life, but this divorce and anger has consumed her ... she has no empathy of being the child in the scenario. Totally dismissive like no- it’s not as bad being the kid - she had it much much worse. Any advice helps. I can’t continue to pour every last drop of myself into trying to help her heal with 0 progress. Looking to begin therapy soon with a specialist, so I am hopeful for that.

When I first learned of the pervasive impact of BPD (shortly before I arrived here in 2006) I recall that it was known as a Blamers disorder.  That's what you've experienced, Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting, Projection, etc.  The problem is that trying to use logical approaches (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) will fail against the aggressive negativity of a person steeped in emotional perceptions rather than facts.

I went through a two year divorce where I had to record my interactions for self-protection, even at exchanges, just to document I wasn't the one posing aggressively as the victim.  You just can't make this up, it's that unbelievable.

Frankly, unless your mother starts and sticks long term with intensive therapy (DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is most helpful) and diligently applies it in her life, then she's unlikely to improve her aggressive blaming and behavior negativity.  Accept that.

So, what to do since she won't accept reasonable behavior boundaries?  Around here we recommend that effective Boundaries are for us.  Think about that for a moment since it's not intuitive.  Our Boundaries are our response to poor behavior.  Consider a bare bones framework such as "If you do or don't do ___ then I will in response do or not do ___."  It's not an ultimatum strictly speaking but simply what you will do in such scenarios.
Link to directory of our topics at Tools and Skills Workshops board

For example, if she starts blaming or is otherwise overly negative, then you - in response - are justified to say you're going to hang up, end the texting or leave and not return until she has had time to calm down or reset.  Then do that every time it happens, ad nauseum.

Be aware that likely this new boundary will trigger extinction burst(s) where she aims to wear you down until you go back to prior failed patterns.  Whether she eventually accepts your new smarter boundaries, only time will tell.  The point is that you set limits to your contact with her, since there is no other choice to not negatively impact your own health or that of your future family.

And good for you for seeking a local experienced counselor or therapist who knows how damaging people with BPD traits (pwBPD) can be.