bipolar + BPD wife attempted suicide + asked for divorce

[Mariedes78]

I'm posting because I feel very alone with this and don't know where else to turn.

My partner has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD many years ago.
For the first five years of our relationship (since 2019), things were constantly up and down. She ended things and came back five times, until what I thought was the final time.

Four months later she reached out again. She told me about all the work she'd done on herself: she'd stopped drinking, started medication and was in treatment. We talked for four months and slowly got back together. She seemed so 'together', she was introspective, calm, kind, loving and made me feel amazing. From early 2025, it was genuinely really good. I truly believed the change was real and lasting.

To give her extra reassurance and commit to us, I agreed to get married in October 2025. Part of me wondered if this was mania, but she assured me it wasn't, and she seemed calm and level-headed at the time. We were both thrilled.

About two months after the wedding, the cracks started to show. She would be "off" at times, splitting, and getting angry over very small things. At Christmas she went into a severe depressive episode and talked about separating. I wondered if her medication had stopped working or the dose was wrong.

After that, the arguments became more and more frequent. The hardest part was never knowing whether she was in a BPD episode or genuinely upset with me. So I'd defend and justify myself, and we'd go round and round in circles. I'd walk on eggshells and was worried of the next episode/split/anger or guilt tripping outburst.

About eight weeks ago, after an argument that turned into days of silence, cold shoulder and dismissiveness, I told her in the heat of the moment that I couldn't do this anymore. I said I was breaking and felt like I was going mad, and I asked her to leave. She then attempted suicide.

I haven't processed that. I've felt overwhelming guilt. I tried to give her every bit of support I could while falling apart inside. Her psychiatric team wasn't acting, so I pushed hard to get her an urgent review. When she was seen two days later, it turned out her medication dose was wrong and had been keeping her in a depressive state.

The very next day (which was yesterday), we had a disagreement about holidays and travel. She then told me by text that she wants a divorce, and laid out the logistics: swap belongings, do the divorce online, wished me luck with my new job, "take care x."

I'm devastated and humiliated. I also feel incredibly lonely, because she tends to portray me to her family as the bad, unsupportive one, so I don't feel I have anyone on that side who understands. I have isolated from my friends and family and do not want to talk to them about this as they had warned me when we got back together that this would happen.

If you've been through something like this:

How did you deal with the guilt after a partner's suicide attempt?
How do you grieve someone who keeps leaving and coming back?
How did you stop doubting your own perception of what happened?

Thank you for reading. I just really need to hear from people who understand.

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[Mariedes78]

I'm posting because I feel very alone with this and don't know where else to turn.

My partner has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD many years ago.
For the first five years of our relationship (since 2019), things were constantly up and down. She ended things and came back five times, until what I thought was the final time.

Four months later she reached out again. She told me about all the work she'd done on herself: she'd stopped drinking, started medication and was in treatment. We talked for four months and slowly got back together. She seemed so 'together', she was introspective, calm, kind, loving and made me feel amazing. From early 2025, it was genuinely really good. I truly believed the change was real and lasting.

To give her extra reassurance and commit to us, I agreed to get married in October 2025. Part of me wondered if this was mania, but she assured me it wasn't, and she seemed calm and level-headed at the time. We were both thrilled.

About two months after the wedding, the cracks started to show. She would be "off" at times, splitting, and getting angry over very small things. At Christmas she went into a severe depressive episode and talked about separating. I wondered if her medication had stopped working or the dose was wrong.

After that, the arguments became more and more frequent. The hardest part was never knowing whether she was in a BPD episode or genuinely upset with me. So I'd defend and justify myself, and we'd go round and round in circles. I'd walk on eggshells and was worried of the next episode/split/anger or guilt tripping outburst.

About eight weeks ago, after an argument that turned into days of silence, cold shoulder and dismissiveness, I told her in the heat of the moment that I couldn't do this anymore. I said I was breaking and felt like I was going mad, and I asked her to leave. She then attempted suicide.

I haven't processed that. I've felt overwhelming guilt. I tried to give her every bit of support I could while falling apart inside. Her psychiatric team wasn't acting, so I pushed hard to get her an urgent review. When she was seen two days later, it turned out her medication dose was wrong and had been keeping her in a depressive state.

The very next day (which was yesterday), we had a disagreement about holidays and travel. She then told me by text that she wants a divorce, and laid out the logistics: swap belongings, do the divorce online, wished me luck with my new job, "take care x."

I'm devastated and humiliated. I also feel incredibly lonely, because she tends to portray me to her family as the bad, unsupportive one, so I don't feel I have anyone on that side who understands. I have isolated from my friends and family and do not want to talk to them about this as they had warned me when we got back together that this would happen.

If you've been through something like this:
How do you deal with the break up and the anxious wondering if they will come back?
Despite the very traumatic nature of the relationship and how exhausted I am, a big part of me hopes she will be in contact and regret/does a 180....

Thank you for reading. I just really need to hear from people who understand.

[ForeverDad]

From early 2025, it was genuinely really good. I truly believed the change was real and lasting.

To give her extra reassurance and commit to us, I agreed to get married in October 2025. Part of me wondered if this was mania, but she assured me it wasn't, and she seemed calm and level-headed at the time. We were both thrilled.

About two months after the wedding, the cracks started to show.

There is a phrase BPD FOG as in Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I see two factors here.

First, distance apart typically reduces the exposure to disordered perceptions, conflict and negativity.

Second, getting married was likely perceived by her as making you more obligated to the relationship.  (It's an implied obligation similar to having children together.  The difference is that a marriage can be undone in family court, but having children is a forever link.)  So it is not surprising that it wasn't long before the discord resumes.  While her therapy may have been helpful, the reality is that therapy and some meds are helpful but not complete cures.

She would be "off" at times, splitting, and getting angry over very small things. At Christmas she went into a severe depressive episode and talked about separating. I wondered if her medication had stopped working or the dose was wrong.

After that, the arguments became more and more frequent. The hardest part was never knowing whether she was in a BPD episode or genuinely upset with me. So I'd defend and justify myself, and we'd go round and round in circles. I'd walk on eggshells and was worried of the next episode/split/anger or guilt tripping outburst.

This too is a known pattern, being triggered by holidays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, preparing for vacation, while on vacation, almost anything and often nothing.  The logical approach (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work when dealing this a person immersed in emotional perceptions.  There are better approaches (DEARMAN, SET, BIFF, etc) as described here in topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

About eight weeks ago, after an argument that turned into days of silence, cold shoulder and dismissiveness, I told her in the heat of the moment that I couldn't do this anymore. I said I was breaking and felt like I was going mad, and I asked her to leave. She then attempted suicide... When she was seen two days later, it turned out her medication dose was wrong and had been keeping her in a depressive state.

It is hard to determine whether suicidal threats or attempts are actual distress or manipulation.  So it is best to call emergency services and leave the determination to those trained to assess motivations and proper services.

However, be forewarned that many threatening suicide will Deny it when police or paramedics arrive, so have witnesses or recorded proof available to counter the posturing otherwise.

I haven't processed that. I've felt overwhelming guilt. I tried to give her every bit of support I could while falling apart inside.

You can't save other people, especially when they are impacted by acting-out disorders.  It's difficult to predict a positive outcome here with failure during years of past track record.  You may have to Accept that you tried but were again unsuccessful.  Now is a good time to focus on yourself and your own emotional recovery.  Browse the topic "4.01 Grieving our losses" which is in the above link.

Also, do not discount the benefit of sessions with a local counselor or therapist who has experience dealing with BPD patterns and impacts on those around them.  The peer support here is great, but so is local counseling.

If you do end up divorcing, we have a separate board for those posts.

[CC43]

I haven't processed that. I've felt overwhelming guilt. I tried to give her every bit of support I could while falling apart inside. Her psychiatric team wasn't acting, so I pushed hard to get her an urgent review. When she was seen two days later, it turned out her medication dose was wrong and had been keeping her in a depressive state.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place, know that you're not alone in this.

While it's understandable you feel overwhelming guilt, and you want what's best for your partner, you don't have control over her emotions or her actions.  If you did, you would have waved your magic wand already and made the pain and discord vanish, right?  Alas, it's not in your power to change your partner.  And there's no magic pill for BPD, either.  That's partly why I highlighted the text above:  you can't treat BPD with medications, though medications CAN help with co-existing conditions, like anxiety or depression.  Basically the only way to treat BPD is with specialized therapy.  For that to work, your partner needs to want it to work, and she needs to do the work, because therapy IS work.

The other reason I highlighted the text above is that I'm noticing that YOU are the one fighting to get your partner treatment.  That sounds to me like you want her to get better more than she does.  In my opinion, a sign that your partner wants therapy will be when she advocates for herself and SHE is pushing to get appointments.  Sure, she might "go along with" therapy, probably to get something out of you--namely your attention, your panic, your apologies, your promises to cater to her every whim.  It's possible she just wants to see you frantic and sad, so that you can get a glimpse of the pain she's in, and yet she'll insist that you can't understand it, because her pain is special and extreme.

Anyway, my humble opinion is that if she wants therapy, she has to be the one to make it happen.  She needs to be "ready" to embrace therapy, and to have "skin in the game."  If you're the one pushing to arrange for therapy, my guess is that she's not "ready," and she won't be "ready" until it's her only remaining option.

In the meantime, what about you?  Dealing with the aftermath of a suicide attempt is really sad and disorienting.  Here, we emphasize self-care.  Take care of yourself, first and foremost.  You're no good to your partner if you're a frazzled mess.  Take a break, get some sleep, eat right, get some therapy if you need it.  Talk to a trusted friend, family member or religious figure.  I think friends and family are really important, because they know you, will give you a reality check and keep you grounded.  Only when you're calm should you be dealing with your partner.  With luck, some of your calmness will rub off on her.  In the meantime, I'd say, don't do anything drastic, and defer any critical decisions until you're in a calm place and you can think straight.  Just take it a day at a time for now.