[First post, encouragement needed] BPD wife is 7 months pregnant, help needed

[hermano_miller]

Hello all!

I am male, married and my wife is 7 months pregnant right now. I love her very much but am in one of those "too bad to stay, too good to leave" marriages.

Context about me:
I am officially diagnosed with ADHD-Predominantly Inattentive type and have been taking medication for 7 years and undergoing regular therapy from 2 years to work on multiple facets of my life. I am a very jovial and politely sarcastic person who was always the funniest guy in the room and used to make people laugh through school, college and workplace with my banter. I enjoy making others laugh and bantering with them. I am managing my ADHD symptoms with medication and a lot of work on my executive skills (or lack thereof ;)) but it feels so exhausting to fight that inner battle every single day wrt procrastination, time management, not cutting people off, prioritization, not being late to events, mindful communication etc.

Context about my wife:
She grew up with an extremely emotionally abusive father who got diagnosed by our family psychiatrist as having Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD). She was always walking on eggshells throughout her childhood and had many traumatic events happen to her right from her earliest memories. She is STARVED of love and support from her family and they're dysfunctional to say the least (her words). I pointed out to her that some things didn't seem normal and put her in touch with my psychiatrist and therapist to work with her individually/independently.

She got officially diagnosed with CPTSD, Generalized anxiety, Insomnia and BPD by the doctor after observing her over few months. Since I got to know the BPD diagnosis, I felt so validated and heard that I wasn't a monster who hurts her or constantly makes her cry for no apparent reason. I was sooo guilty and beat myself up mentally for the pain she was going through internally.

The positive thing is that she is very open to medication, therapy and working on herself. She has taken responsibility for her actions, words and lashing out multiple times and with the mood stabilizing medicines, life was actually good for a few months last year where I was cautiously happy during peace times after  having been burnt SO many times.

The sad part is that the things I find challenging even with medicines (mindful communication, patience, remembering stuff, time management, impulse control) are the EXACT things that are expected of me as a BPD-partner. No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving.

If I may sum up her personality in 1 famous trope - "I hate you, don't leave me"

I am currently reading the below books to take accountability and ownership of my life, but it is DRAINING and TIRING to have this battle every single day:
1. Time Management Toolkit for adult ADHD - Risa Williams
2. Procrastination Playbook for adult ADHD - Risa Williams
3. Stop Walking on Eggshells (suggested by therapist) - Randi Kreger

The days it's bad, I feel like giving up and divorcing her. But after a day or two, I almost feel "bad" for her and feel obligated to keep her happy. I also am happy with her when the days are good!

I am just reading and learning about boundaries, JADE, non-combative communication,

My goal is to make this marriage work as divorce is not an option even hypothetically (spiritual reasons, family dynamics).

The doc paused her medication due to her pregnancy and she's back to the anxious, unpredictable, insomnia phase where I am sick of hearing her suffer and also feel guilty for feeling this. Beyond a point I can't help her other than listen to her with empathy.

Her pregnancy has been INCREDIBLY draining for me as I have to manage my highly demanding job, tight work schedule, her mood swings, unmedicated mental state and completely random "do you even love me?" hooks which are impossible to defend/deflect. I was apprehensive of this unmedicated pregnant phase but wasn't prepared for how bad it'd be.

I'm tired of constantly reassuring her, apologizing for nonexistent problems in her head, justifying my intentions, explaining every intonation and word choice when I speak. I have been getting upper back pain and lower back soreness if I even think about conversations with her. I keep having arguments in my head while taking a shower....

It's incredibly hard for me to be mindful of both my super fast distracted mind and her mind while maintaining everything in daily adult life. In times of conflict or impending conflict, it all goes for a toss as I tend to shut down and forget all the acronyms JADE, RAIN, deep breathing, validating phrases etc. She apologizes and cries to me after any huge conflict and tells me she's unable to regulate her emotions, but it doesn't really help the deep wounds that are piling onto my heart and inner being. The worst part is my people pleasing/enabling nature doesn't let me focus or concentrate on my workday if there's conflict in our home. it's a vicious joke...

If I could avoid conflict by apologizing, I am ready to say sorry every single day if that buys me peace. But even that doesn't help as you all know...

How do I survive till the baby's delivery and till she is cleared to get back on her medication post the initial breastfeeding stage? I'm tired

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CC43]

Hello all!
I am a very jovial and politely sarcastic person who was always the funniest guy in the room and used to make people laugh through school, college and workplace with my banter. I enjoy making others laugh and bantering with them.

The sad part is that the things I find challenging even with medicines (mindful communication, patience, remembering stuff, time management, impulse control) are the EXACT things that are expected of me as a BPD-partner. No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving.

I'm tired of constantly reassuring her, apologizing for nonexistent problems in her head, justifying my intentions, explaining every intonation and word choice when I speak.

She apologizes and cries to me after any huge conflict and tells me she's unable to regulate her emotions, but it doesn't really help the deep wounds that are piling onto my heart and inner being.

If I could avoid conflict by apologizing, I am ready to say sorry every single day if that buys me peace. But even that doesn't help as you all know...

Hi there!

Welcome to the group.  I can see you are a jovial guy, and that it hurts you can't really be that way when you're with your wife, because you're focussing all your effort on managing her emotions.

I can also see you have a keen sense of what is going on in your relationship.

My advice?  You be you.  Like you wrote, "No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving."  The reason for this is that you didn't cause BPD, you can't control it and you can't cure it, no matter how much you want to.  Only your wife can do that.  The good news is, she's had some success with medications, she's open to working on herself, and she even apologizes sometimes.  On this site, it's rare that pwBPD recognize how their behavior hurts those around them, let alone apologize for it.  Instead, what seems to be the norm is a pervasive victim attitude, blaming others for causing all their distress, while not taking any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Anyway, I'd say, you be you.  Your wife married you because you are fantastic, exactly how you are, and you need to stay true to yourself.  You're lucky, because you're smart and fun to be with.  You make sure you take exquisite care of yourself.  You focus on doing your job.  You maintain your friendships, because they will help keep you grounded.  You take some breaks, if that's what you need to adjust your mindset and get out of a fight-or-flight state, so that when your wife is in distress, you can listen with empathy without getting "sucked in" to her negative emotions, without JADEing and defending yourself from baseless accusations.  If your wife is lashing out at you and making you distressed, then I'd say, you take a time out, while simultaneously putting her in an adult time out.  Don't blame her; just say something simple like, "This is stressing me out, I'm taking a quick walk."  If she's accusing you of being a lazy, terrible spouse who has never done anything right and who is going to be a terrible parent, you just think silently to yourself, well that's ridiculous, and most likely what wife is worried about, because she's scared of the future.  You go ahead and give her some time and space to self-regulate, while at the same time, giving yourself some time and space too!  You don't "reward" her meanness with your attention.  Instead, you take a walk, do some push-ups, or do a semi-mindless, wordless task like folding clothes, sweeping the front steps, sorting the mail, wiping down the counters or taking out the trash.  I'm mentioning these light, physical activities because I think they help give the brain a little break, a reset, and on top of that, you reward yourself by getting stuff done and tidying your environment, reclaiming a little control over your life.

Anyway, if your wife is accusing you of things that aren't true, or if she's searching the archive of past wrongs and bringing them up when they aren't warranted, that's typical BPD.  Most of the time, she's projecting her own self-hatred onto you.  She's unleashing her negative emotions onto you, in a misguided attempt to rid herself of them, while getting you to feel the extent of her own pain.  She's on an emotional rollercoaster and trying to get you to ride alongside her.  With BPD, misery doesn't like company, misery likes miserable company!  But you don't deserve to be miserable, and you don't have to ride the emotional rollercoaster.  You can wait patiently by the exit.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

[ForeverDad]

There's a saying here, the three C's.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That's why you do what you CAN do... take care of yourself!

As they say at the start of every air flight, "In the event of an emergency, first put on your own oxygen mask before helping others."

Understand that a child - as much as children are such great blessings - will bring a big change to your marriage.  The twosome aspect is in the past.  Having kids makes makes any marriage more complicated.  With mental health issues being present, this will make life that much more complicated.  So be as prepared as possible for surprises.

Family abuse and conflict is a multi-generational issue.  One goal you should have is to do your best to avoid family conflict being passed onto the next generation.  Well, as best you can.