I did this to myself

[marti644]

I'm gonna say it simply:

I did this to myself I have to take my responsibility for my part of this relationship.

As a narcissist I tend to always make myself the victim with my BPD-ex. In many ways I am. But I made wrong choices too. Choices that left me in a toxic relationship I should never have been in. I chose to have great sex and ignore red flags of sexual addiction and abuse. I chose to apologize countless times for things I didn't do. I chose to withdraw from friends and family that would have steered me in a different direction. I chose wishful thinking over reality. I chose the easy short term road to staying instead of the harder long term road to freedom. I chose to cover for the lies and paper them over with excuses. I chose unhealthy places to vent my anger, depression, and confusion instead of directing these at the culprit. And most importantly I didn't choose to set the boundaries in the relationship that define my self worth as a valuable, ethical, moral, mentally healthy person who deserves the same type of partner. Because I chose these paths it led me down the road to a BPD relationship, which I wholeheartedly took part in until the very end. The courage to leave only came at the end (and it washer who had the courage to leave not me), when it should have came at the start. I choose to begin finding that courage now. It's not too late. It's never too late.

[Mutt]

Hi marti644,

I commend you for being open and honest   maybe we took short cuts in our r/s's or were avoiding our issues but facing it instead of going the long way around after the break-up will speed up your recovery, do the self work, the silver lining with a r/s with a pwBPD teaches us where we're soft in r/s, for example boundaries I speak for myself when I say this but it thought me that the most important thing in life are r/s's and how to attract and be a healthier person in r/s's with friends and family. Fail often, without failure we wouldn't have opportunities to grow as a person.

[Freida]

I came online today because I wanted to say that I also must accept blame for my part in this relationship when I came upon your post, Marti. I don't know who or what label I am but I have very unsteady boundaries and I let my SO walk roughshod over them. I had a gut feeling that things weren't right either but I went headlong into this relationship. When he played the victim over his ex wife who was def BPD, I felt sorry for him but didn't question until later that he doesn't want to stop being a victim.He hasn't divorced her in 10yrs for goodness sake. What the heck did I imagine? That it would be plain sailing? I was there/bought the Tshirt and made the movie, all the time playing my own 'heroine' role. I envy those who will get help and stick it out because I won't and neither will he. I could have left last year, saved money, sanity and self respect. Before joining this site, I saw comments from those with BPD saying that this site was BPD bashing. No, not in my case at least, I saw the writing on the wall and am only going now. I fully understand Marti that being alone is better than this. It can't be worse, can it?

[marti644]

Mutt, thank you ! I feel the same way. Failure can lead to reflection and change. The longer I have gone NC the more I realize that this was an important step for me. In such a strange way I feel like I broke out of a pattern (dating other people with PD or BPD that were incompatible with me) and now have a second chance.

Freida, Honestly being alone cannot be worse than what I went through at least. I am returning the T-shirt and staying out of the movies from now on. Real life is better and more fulfilling I think.

[heartandwhole]

Well done, marti644, for having the courage to look at yourself and your behavior. That is not easy! In my view, doing that leads to growth, peace, and even joy, after experiencing the excruciating pain of these kinds of breakups.

Keep on keepin' on... .and sharing your insights. It helps us all.  

heartandwhole

[FallenOne]

I'm gonna say it simply:

As a narcissist I tend to always make myself the victim with my BPD-ex.

What makes you so sure you're a narcissist? You certainly don't sound like one... And you're admitting faults and apologizing for things... Doesn't sound like you are.

[marti644]

Hey Matt,

Great question. I should have been more specific. I am still learning about this but this is what I have figured out so far.

So I am not a full-blown narcissist for sure. I have narcissistic injuries from my childhood, something called "core damage". I had a very emotionless mother who constantly complained about my father. I acted as a parentified child to her, a confidant. This had several impacts on me.

I was a very well-behaved child, always the responsible, honest, caring one. Most of the reason is I wanted to make my Mom happy, and as a child who doesn't understand their emotions properly, attributed her deep anxiety and unhappiness with my own behaviour.

This meant I didn't express myself properly, and held inside feelings that weren't "appropriate". I tend to "think my feelings" as opposed to "feeling my feelings" because of this. Fast forward to adult-hood this aspect of me has given me a "rescuer" complex. In my BPD relationship I showed too much compassion, didn't address my own wants and needs and was always trying to make her happy (aka like my mother when I was a kid, acting as a helper, confidant, etc.)

Also I tend to victimize myself to march, which is at the core of my emotional injury. Inside I am always saying "why me?", "this isn't fair", "when is my turn to be happy". I have learned this has been very problematic in relationships. Usually what would happen is I would be upset about things and not really be sure about why? Like a ticking time bomb. Not healthy.

[SoMadSoSad]

What makes you so sure you're a narcissist? You certainly don't sound like one... And you're admitting faults and apologizing for things... Doesn't sound like you are.

Well he goes on to say that hes a mentally healthy person so not sure why he said he was narcissist.

[marti644]

SoMadsoSad,

Thanks for posting. Just because I have narcissistic tendencies (like I clarified in my second post) doesn't mean I am or am not mentally healthy (that is not up to me to decide I leave that to professionals). It is a personality trait among other personality traits. There is not one shade of healthy/unhealthy. It's a mixed bag. I'm a mixed bag haha. I have narcissistic tendencies that make me become a 'rescuer' in simple terms.

[once removed]

What makes you so sure you're a narcissist? You certainly don't sound like one... And you're admitting faults and apologizing for things... Doesn't sound like you are.

  FallenOne,  SoMadSoSad, this is an urban legend. narcissists can self reflect, apologize, and admit faults. in fact, 9/10 times, a narcissist will self identify as one. bear in mind that narcissism is on a spectrum, and we all have levels of it, some healthy, some unhealthy. do we want to discourage others from looking closer at unhealthy behavior?

marti644  the first real step toward a healthier future of healthy relationships is taking responsibility for ourselves; i commend you for doing so. its doubtless very difficult coming out of the throes of our relationships, and its very challenging for anyone, in general. but it is the path from moving from victim, to survivor, to thriver 

[FSTL]

Narcissism is a spectrum. People with BPD often have narcissistic tendancies, but will feel shame and have low self esteem. People with NPD usually have very high, grandiose levels of self esteem and would never admit fault or make a posting like Marti's. Marti seems to be saying he has some narcissism, but not NPD levels... .

[marti644]

Hi FSTL,

Exactly. My narcissistic tendencies can be seen in these thoughts I have had in the post-BPD relationship:

"Why me?"

"Life is unfair I don't deserve this"

":)on't I deserve to be loved?"

"I did so much for her why did she leave?"

I see now that these thoughts put me in a victim complex. As my father said to me on the phone the other day "Who the hell do you think you are?" (He said this in a joking manner to get across the point). Why do I think I am so special, that I deserve special treatment because I am so nice to someone? It's because I have aspects of grandiosity. I am a saviour, a white knight, etc.

I realize now that my giving and rescuing was not free. I expected something back from my partner, whether I realized it or not. This is totally unfair in any relationship, and likely if my partner had not been BPD and had been a Non, they would have left me earlier for being controlling and manipulative because there was a price for the things I did.

If I ever want to be in a healthy relationship I have to change this behaviour. It's silly and unhealthy for me to use giving as a form of control. Hope this makes sense.