Feeling hatred

[angry aunt]

I am writing for the first time because I have been boiling angry all week and I need to somehow feel better. My nieces mother is BPD and she has made everyone's life hell for years. She is in a custody battle to get her child back and she is so self consumed I am about to explode. The child is in her early teens and I hate that I have this much rage for her mother when my niece needs a stable aunt. I believe I am usually insightful but just don't have it in me right now... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi angry aunt,



I'm sorry to hear about the issues in your niece's family. I can understand feeling angry during a custody battle. They can be very stressful, with our without BPD in the mix.   

I'm glad to hear that your niece has an aunt who cares about her so much. That is important during times like these.

What kind of contact do you have with your niece? How is she coping with the situation?

heartandwhole

[angry aunt]

My niece just turned 14 and has had little contact with her mother. The custody case took almost 2 years to get resolved (her father got primary custody) and now mother wants family therapy. The requirement for family therapy is all mental health providers must talk with the mental healt  evaluator and she is not signing off for that. Mother is also getting treatment for only depression and not the BPD although that was her diagnosis from 2 others involved in the case.

The increase in my anger is my niece just had her birthday and because MN (my niece) wasn't interested in seeing her mother, dear ol' mom did not give her her b-day presents. The kid doesn't care... .But I am livid. Who does that? One more case of my way or the highway. Punishment is her typical reaction... .To anyone who dare not fall in line.

[angry aunt]

Ha ha heartandwhole... .I ranted without answering you question. I see my niece often (couple of times a week) and talk to her daily. She does not cope well because she never learned healthy copy skills from her mother whom she lived with from birth until she was 12. Her parents divorce went through right after her birth so she never lived in a 2 parent family and she has no siblings.

[heartandwhole]

I'm glad she has you as a support system.    What kind of problems is she having at home?

heartandwhole

[Panda39]

Hi angry aunt,

You are not alone in arriving here really angry.  I came here the same way.  I arrived furious at what my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  She made false allegations of child abuse, had a parental alienation campaign going on, was using her children as spies, neglecting her kids, lying etc... .I'm sure you know the routine.

I've found the members and information on this site truly helpful. 

I'm going to tell you what someone told me when I arrived that I found helpful... .shifted my thinking.

Focus on your niece and not on her mother... .I know easier said then done but give it a try. 

You won't be able to change her mom she is going to do what she is going to do. What you can do for your neice is be a different example of what an adult woman can be and you can listen to your niece and validate her feelings.

You might suggest Therapy for your niece if she isn't receiving it already.  My SO's daughter's both had dysfunctional behaviors they picked up from their mom too.  We call them "fleas" around here.  Therapy was helpful, they felt heard, learned coping skills etc.

You might want to check out the "Co-Parenting" Board for more information on how to support your niece, you can also vent to a group that has been there 

Panda39

[Grey Kitty]

This sounds really tough to deal with, and I'm going to suggest you challenge yourself a little for the benefit of your niece.

Be with her, be a friend, be an aunt, and listen to her. Try to let your niece have her own feelings about her mother, whatever they are. Teenagers are famous for not having good control over their feelings. Ones raised by mentally ill parents and broken homes are even worse. She may be all over the place. She may have stuffed all her own feelings, and decided she "just doesn't care". Don't try to talk her out of any of these feelings.

Validation is a really powerful technique, and I recommend you try it for your niece. We recommend it here as a technique that helps you have a better r/s with a pwBPD, like her mother... .but it actually works really well with everybody and is easier with people who are too healthy to have BPD.

Your niece's mother (I'm assuming she isn't your sister) doesn't seem worth the effort on your part right now. Your niece is. Here's a video on validation and invalidation that might help:

Validation and Invalidation - Alan Fruzzetti, PhD

And let yourself be angry at your niece's mother--it is a very real and very legitimate feeling--Try not to express it or act on it too much around your niece. Instead, let that stuff hang out in other safer places. Feel free to post about it here and vent! Believe me, we understand here.